Kneeling before Him...
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Monday, April 03, 2006
We learnt a lesson together over the weekend. We caused each other a little bit of discomfort. We are still learning, even after over three years of being together, how to be the best us. I am not sure the process ever stops.
Mac and I know each other so well that sometimes He tells me to stop voicing His thoughts before He has them. He knows me so well that sometimes He scares me because it is like He is reading my brain. This makes us sometimes believe that the other should know what is going on without it needing to be said. That isn't always the case. This is not that different to how it was for us before the new rules were put into place. It is a timely reminder that we still need to talk a lot about things. Mac can't always see the whole picture and nor can I. Honesty is so important. I can not stress that enough. Mac and I have to be honest about how we feel.
Mac has had control of my orgasms for a little over two weeks now and I have to admit, this was not something that I found easy. It was a struggle to give them over to Him. I have always been able to take care of myself that way. I have never been that big on coming during sex with Mac, I could always come afterwards if I didn't come with Him. I always just concentrated on Him. When I did come during our sex, it was usually because Mac wanted it. I am wired that way. It is what works for me. So not being allowed to masturbate at will was tough and being told no, that I couldn't come, was not pretty. I argued and carried on big time. Of course, I already wrote about that. Mac didn't give in. (Bastard.)
This didn't mean that I went without orgasms. Quite the opposite in fact, Mac let me have more than I would probably normally have, but He let me have them on His terms, not my own. I have to admit that despite the pouting and foot stomping, I was very sexually satisfied. And on the whole, I felt very safe and very owned.
The one side effect that I did have real trouble with is that I stopped fantasising. That evil wicked dark man that wanted to hurt me in very hot sexual ways no longer came to visit me. This is where Mac and I found ourselves in a bit of bother, when we were talking about our sex and fantasies.
Saturday afternoon Mac remembered that I had written about lipstick on nipples in the blog and He was musing about the difference between our fantasies. His are simple, slutty and easily satisfied. Mine are elaborate and dark and usually best left in the realm of fantasy. I mentioned to Him that the hardest part of giving Him my orgasms was the cessation of these dark fantasies. Mac looked a little shocked. He hadn't considered that it could happen like that for me. It wasn't supposed to be that way. He said He had no intention of controlling my sex, that it was symbolic, reassurance for me. He didn't like it. I could see this was a problem for Him. I was thinking how to make it right when Mac said that I should have control of my orgasms back. Suddenly the one in shock was me.
Mac went on to say that it had served its purpose, that we didn't need it anymore, that we had moved on from where we were when He took them from me. He sounded so sure, so in control and completely confident, that I couldn't bring myself to tell Him that I still needed it, that I wasn't strong enough to change this. It was very important to me. I managed to squeak out that I had not asked for them back. Mac said He knew that, that this was not my choice. It was His. I felt the door close on the subject. I couldn't look at Him. I suddenly wanted to be all alone. I was about to make an excuse to go to my room when Mac said He had to make a trip to the office. I was relieved that He was going away for a little while. I couldn't think with Him there talking to me.
I kissed His cheek and said goodbye, but Mac could tell I was distracted. He got a little terse with me, telling me He couldn't help having to go to the office. I lost it and hands clenched by my side I told Him I had kissed Him, told Him I had said goodbye, asked what exactly had I done wrong. Mac didn't understand where the hostility had come from so He changed direction and said it didn't matter and kissed me and said goodbye. He closed the door and I burst into tears.
Saturday night there was a tension between us that hadn't been there since the last fight over Him saying no and nothing seemed to make it go away. I couldn't bring myself to tell Him that I didn't want my orgasms back. I felt that He didn't want them anymore. He had seemed so sure giving them back was the right thing to do. I wanted to show I trusted His choice. But I couldn't escape the feeling that we had taken a step backwards and Mac had said time and time again that there is no going back for us. I kept wondering which rule would be left behind next. That wasn't fair of me, but it was where my mind kept wandering to.
On Sunday I woke absolutely exhausted. I was just completely drained before the day even started. There was still a lot of tension between us and I found myself hiding away from Him. We talked very little all day. I slept a lot of it away. It wasn't until last night as I was about to climb into bed when Mac looked over at me and simply said "I love you, angel. I really do." I felt ever so guilty that I hadn't talked to Him. I knelt beside the bed and hid behind my hair and in the tiniest of voices I told Him that I was having a hard time accepting my orgasms back. Mac told me that it wasn't an easy thing for Him to do, He was happier owning them. I looked up at Him and He was frowning slightly.
"This one was happier when You owned them too." I said.
"Then," He said, "there is no point in me giving them back. Give them to me again."
"Yes Master." I said and my whole body relaxed. Mac smiled.
"Relieved?" He asked.
"God yes." I said. "This one thought You didn't want them anymore. This one thought You had tired of them. It felt like we were stepping back."
"Christ, Sarah. I ached giving them up. I thought it was the right thing to do. I didn't realise that was what was causing the tension between us. I should have known." He said.
Mac thanked me for bringing this to Him. I pointed out that I had stewed on it for a good 36 hours before letting Him know. "True." He said. "But that wait has made it so much sweeter."
And god, it was sweet. Very much so.
I climbed onto the bed and fell into His arms. My hands reached for His cock and found that He was already hard. I drew back to look at Him. He shrugged. "I like owning you." He said. "It's a very sexually powerful feeling." I grinned and kissed Him a lot while we kept talking, sorting out a few little things that needed tweaking to be right.
"It feels very right again." He whispered. "How could I have made that mistake? Jesus. To think giving you ANY choice could bring you anything but discomfort?"
I smiled and kept kissing Him and gently, ever so gently stroking His cock. "We are still feeling our way, this one is sure there are more mistakes to come." I said.
"Yeah." He said, His breath catching slightly. "But now that we have made this one, let's never take a step back again."
"Yes Master." I breathed into His mouth.
"Now kiss me." He said "I need to come."
And I did and He did and we snuggled up really close and grinned and murmured some more.
He says that my submission to Him right now makes Him feel very Male. I think His dominance over me makes me feel very female. It is a very powerful, filling feeling. It feels just right for both of us.
Mac was right, if we took a piece of it away, or even all of it, we, Mac and Sarah, would be fine. The things we do are only an expression of the dominance and submission. The D/s exists in who we are, not what we do. We would be ok if we took that expression away. But there is no need for us to be ok when instead we can be wonderful.
I woke this morning feeling very happy. Mac called my happiness obscene. Then He pinned me down and used me like a whore. I giggled and gurgled and grunted and groaned the whole time He was fucking me. I can't remember the last time I made so much noise when Mac said I could come. He strutted to the bathroom when He had finished, loving that He can do that to me. I grinned.
It's just delicious that my Male loves to make such a whore of me.