Kneeling before Him...
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Monday, May 15, 2006
I am now just over 21 weeks pregnant. My belly is definitely the belly of a pregnant woman now. I no longer have to tell people I am pregnant, they can tell by looking at me. I still get tired a lot easier than I used to and am in need of more sleep than usual, but I am not feeling the same level of emotional exhaustion I was feeling during the first months. I am still emotional at times and often without reason, but it is not as frequent and draining on me.
The baby moves a lot, less like flutters and more like something in there is really moving. It's strange, having your body suddenly feel something inside it unexpectedly. If the baby hasn't moved around for a while, I start to worry, eventually talking to the baby hoping to wake it. I am not sure if little bump can hear yet, it doesn't seem to respond to my talking. I admit to talking to the baby at other times too, like when I am home alone and need to go to the bathroom I will tell the baby we are having a bathroom break, or let it know I am going to make tea, just general things. Sometimes I read out loud to the baby, nothing special, just whatever I am reading at the time. It's nice to have someone around to share things with, even if the baby is not listening properly.
I have been feeling a little isolated lately. It feels like no one understands when of course I am not the first woman to ever do this. I get a little frightened at times. I ask myself if I am ready for this, to be this responsible for a tiny little defenceless human. What if I get it wrong? Whenever I have tried to tell someone about how I feel, it gets pushed aside with a "don't be silly, you will be fine" and I get annoyed that no one will listen to my fears and let me talk about them. But then, I get annoyed rather easily.
Of course there are other times when I can't wait to meet this little person. I already love this baby of ours so damn much. Bump is a huge part of our focus right now. We don't even give ourselves time off from baby thoughts during sex. Our sex is a lot tamer than it used to be. Nothing goes inside me but His cock or fingers. There is no rough stuff at all. We both seem to have come to the conclusion that right now my body is not my own. It belongs to both the baby and I so Mac and I have to take care not to do anything silly with it. I miss it, I could really do with a hard, intense, hair-pulling, neck biting, fist clenching, pussy aching, ass burning, mouth hurting, please-don't-ever-stop type fucking, but I keep thinking that it would be selfish of me. I would never forgive myself if anything went wrong. So when we have sex we tend to take it easy on my body.
When we do have sex, it is not enough. I can't seem to get enough of Mac right now no matter how much He gives me. I would be quite happy to spend all day every day in bed fucking Him. He keeps trying to tell me that there are other important things He must do, like eat, sleep, work, bathe, hydrate, boring things like that. None of them seem to be as important to me as sex is right now. It is actually putting distance between us as I feel rejected when Mac says no and He is saying no often because I am asking all the time. I can't talk to Him without touching Him and I can't touch Him without kissing Him and I can't kiss Him without groping Him and I can't grope Him without trying to get inside His pants. It's usually at the kissing stage that Mac gently tries to disentangle Himself from my roving hands and lips. It doesn't seem to matter how gentle He is though. I seem to get hurt anyway. It is almost like I am trying to prove that He still finds me attractive. He just wants to get on with His work. It's driving me crazy that He doesn't want more.
So this was just a little update on where the baby and I are.
A little less than half way to go.