Kneeling before Him...
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Monday, May 29, 2006
There were questions asked of me a few posts ago, about how much of love is about sex and can a sexless marriage survive. I can only say what I believe about this, it may not be what anyone else feels.
Mac often tells me that He loves me enough that He would keep me with Him, even if we no longer had sex. And the sex is so good, that He would keep fucking me even if He was no longer in love with me. I understand that about Mac. He is very able to separate love and sex and if necessary keep them separate.
I on the other hand, have trouble with that and I know I would be unable to have sex with Him if I no longer loved Him. At least, not for very long before I hated myself. But if we could no longer have sex, it would not in any way lessen my love for Mac.
For me, sex is an act of love, it is all entwined and I don't just have sex for the sake of it. Sex is a way of expressing what I feel for Him. When I feel comfortable with myself and with our relationship, I am extremely sensual and sexual. I am constantly in lust with Him. When things are disconnected between us, it is always my libido that suffers first.
This doesn't mean my love for Him lessens. In fact, part of the problem with us being disconnected is that I am full of love for Him and suddenly have no way to express it. We are disconnected so I can't say it. We have stopped with the little kisses and the touches as we pass in the hall. We tend not to take the time to snuggle up on the couch and just be together. We don't go to bed at the same time so we are not able to wrap ourselves around each other and murmur pretty little loving things before we fall asleep. I can't find a way to get it out. The love gets all tangled up inside of me and suddenly feels like a burden He doesn't need.
It is always a relief to me when we are able to let it out again. When it is twisted up inside me, it becomes so heavy I can't stand it. Mac says I have always been a person that wears her heart on her sleeve and I am unhappy when I have to try and hide my feelings from anyone. I am one of the worst liars in the world. No one believes me when I lie. Even if it is something as simple as "That dress is lovely" I cannot make it sound sincere if I do not mean it. My true feelings always somehow manage to come through. I need to be able to express myself. I need an outlet for the things I feel. That is part of the reason why I have a blog. I can purge myself here. And you guys only see a little of what I actually write. I think most bloggers have things they have written that they will never show.
So how much of the love is about sex? It isn't, as far as I can work out. But for me, sex is about love, it is an act of love, an expression of the deep intense feelings of love that I feel. And can a sexless marriage survive? I believe it can, so long as the people in it allow other expressions of love. I do not believe an affectionless marriage can survive so there must be contact between the two people, there has to be a sharing of thoughts, of kisses, of feelings, of simply just touching, connecting with the other person.
Mac and I are not about the sex. The fact that we do it and do it so well with each other is just a bonus. The love, the protectiveness and the friendship come first. Without those, the sex would just be a physical thing.
And almost every body has the correct working anatomy to fuck physically.
It's love that makes it something magical to share.