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Saturday, June 17, 2006
I am sorry that I just disappeared. I didn't mean to. I got a call on Tuesday morning from my Mother to tell me that my Grandfather had somewhere between 24 and 48 hours to live. It was not unexpected. Pop has been sick for a few months. They told us he would not see out the year, but to find out he only had a couple of days still sent me into shock. I found myself selfishly wishing that he would stay around to see my baby, even though his dementia meant he wouldn't know who we were.
My mum was a wreck. She couldn't make up her mind if she should go to him or wait. I made the choice for her. We caught a plane Tuesday afternoon and we were with him when he passed away early Wednesday morning. It was very peaceful. He just stopped fighting for air. Then his heart stopped beating. He slipped away. The hardest moment was when we left my Nan alone with him in the room. We could see her through the door and she kept smoothing back his hair and holding him. We could see her talking to him. When she came out she told us she sang him their love song. My heart broke for her. Their love was an amazing thing to see two people share. I will always count myself as lucky to have had that love in my life.
I decided not to stay for the funeral (which will be on Monday), mainly because I felt I had said goodbye. I had my time with Pop. I said what I needed to say and felt what I needed to feel and it was enough. I needed to be back with my Husband. Besides as each new member of family arrived, I felt myself withdraw more and more. There were too many ideas, too many people making choices, too many people changing things after they were decided. The tension was hard on everyone, including me. I kept hiding away from all the people, picking jobs that required me to be on my own. The only time I felt even slightly like me was when I could talk to Mac on the phone.
Mac was absolutely wonderful, loving me and supporting me when I needed Him most and letting me make the decisions I needed to make. If I had wanted to stay for the funeral Mac would have come on Sunday and been with me. He left that choice for me.
It was hard being away from Him during this time, but sometimes that is the way things have to be. I would have been happy to come home on Wednesday but my mother was in no condition to be without support and my Dad couldn't join us until yesterday. I came home last night. Now I feel like I can start healing from the loss instead of just being in a holding pattern. It is good to be home. It is good to be with Mac. I belong with Him. This is where I need to be.
I love you, Pop.