Kneeling before Him...
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Sunday, June 25, 2006
Well, I have been having a pretty hard time getting motivated to write here. I am having trouble deciding which path this blog should now take. It started as a sex blog, then moved more into a relationship/emotional/personal opinion type thing but I pretty much think I have said everything I have wanted to say. All I seem to do of late is cover the same ground over and over again. Even the sex between Mac and I, as exciting and orgasmic as it is, often feels repetitive when I type it out. There are only so many ways you can describe a blow job before it becomes 'oh that again'.
I think everyone that reads here is aware that I have moments of crisis, times when I pull away from Mac and question my submission and it's value to both of us. I have times where I feel like I am a bad, weak, worthless person. I have times where I feel like Mac shouldn't love me because I am not worth love, I am not worth affection, I am not worth His time. These times always seem to occur during moments of extreme pressure, usually when Mac's work responsibilities leave Him little time for me and something outside of Mac and I occurs that I feel I am responsible for.
But even with these moments of questionable self-esteem, I am happy with the choices I have made. I live my life the way that I want it to be. Mac and I have a very loving relationship that keeps growing stronger and our sex life is unbelievably hot.
This blog has always been so important to me because I made different choices to what our society told me to make. There are so many messages out there everywhere that tell us everyday that to be happy a woman must have a career, be young, be independent and a wife and mother. That the only way a woman is successful is if she manages all of this and maintains her body perfectly as well. We see it constantly on television. It is reinforced all the time in magazines. Where years ago a woman's magazine had in it recipes for home made cakes, now days they contain the latest fad diet to try and instead of patterns to sew, they tell you where you too can buy a $300 skirt and jacket so you can power dress. And these are not the career women's high gloss magazines, this happens in the mother magazines too. It is thrust down our throats constantly. And we as a society are taking it to heart. To be an intelligent and serious woman, you have to have a career and a family, or you really aren't trying hard enough.
And here, on the blog, was my place to say that it's not necessary. You don't have to achieve everything yourself to be successful. You only need to do the things that are important to you and it can be done as two people working as one. I don't have a brilliant career, but my Husband does. He doesn't have time to clean the house, but I do. We are building (and we are still building, 3.5 years is not a long time to be together) a life together, a family and making a home. Neither of us is more important than the other. Neither of us thinks our role is better than what the other gives. I don't have to be everything all by myself because Mac and I together can be everything we need to be. That is what we need to make a good us. It is how we are happiest. This is what my blog was for, to say hey, I do it differently and this is what is best for me no matter what the rest of the world says.
I have said that here now, time and time again. Sometimes it is believed. Sometimes it is questioned. I will never make believers out of everyone. Some people will always see me as weak and ineffectual because I chose to be Mac's other half, because I want to make a whole with Him. But many people, mostly women, have told me through the blog that they have felt what I feel, that I am not alone, that they think it is wonderful that they are not alone either. So many women have found it a help to know that they don't have to be afraid of being themselves. I have received many emails of thanks and understanding and many comments telling me that I have helped in however small a way. It has meant so much to me to know that there are other women out there that do or want to try to live like this. They want nothing more than to live with someone else as a part of them. They want to try it differently than how the rest of society says it has to be. As I have always said, without Mac, I would survive, but with Mac, I live. Life is way too short to spend it just surviving.
So I have said all this many times and now don't know what there is left to say. I am really not sure where I go from here. I am not saying goodbye, just that for a time it may keep being a little quiet around here, at least until I find something more I need to say. Maybe it will be sex, maybe a baby update (we are doing just fine by the way) or maybe just an opinion to share or some fiction if I get the mood to write. Maybe it will be just to capture a feeling, like the way my tummy drops when Mac looks at me that way. (You all know the way I mean, right?) I guess we just have to wait and see what it is that comes out of me. Hopefully it will be sometime soon.
Thank you all for coming this far with me.