Kneeling before Him...



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Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Not every day is quite as perfect as our shopping day. I am sort of a little embarrassed about this, but, well, Mac and I really are just human after all.

One day last week Mac came home from a long day at work to find a screaming baby, a crying wife, dinner burnt, and three cats that had decided that He was the only sane thing in the house so they figured they should stick as close to Him as possible. So instead of this nice calm loving atmosphere, the world inside our house was chaos.

Mac looked at me with a cross between exasperation and bewilderment which had an immediate affect. I cried harder, Sarah Jane screamed louder and the cats decided that there was way too much wailing going on and that maybe Mac wasn't all that sane and they got the hell out of there. I wished I could to. Dinner just stayed burnt.

Mac took Sarah Jane off me and told me to go shower. He didn't know what was wrong, but apparently I didn't seem to be in a fit state to be calming Sarah Jane down. I was relieved to be handing her to someone else. She had alternated between fussing, crying, screaming and having hour long naps all day. You can get nothing done in an hour. I did not realise that before, but honestly, an hour is a very short length of time. She wouldn't eat, not properly. She would suck four or five times then pull her head back and fuss, then reattach and do it again. This went on all day, every feed. She didn't seem to be in pain. She wasn't bringing her legs up the way she does when she has wind. She didn't have a temperature and when she slept for that hour, it was a peaceful sleep. She seemed to be hungry, she just wouldn't feed.

And of course, through the day the more Sarah Jane fussed, the more out of control I felt, the more tense I became, which of course made Sarah Jane worse. I called my sister, who said in a very kind and helpful way that sometimes babies can be like that, that Sarah Jane would settle down and most likely have a much better day tomorrow. That was great news, but it didn't really help me that day.

When I got out of the shower Mac gave a still upset Sarah Jane back to me and I tried to feed her again, with the same success that I had been having all day. She did tire herself out and fall asleep. While I was feeding her Mac ordered dinner to be delivered and threw what I had been cooking away. When Sarah Jane had stopped feeding Mac took her off me and burped her which she happily slept through, then He took her up to bed and tucked her in.

When he came back down I was curled up on the couch, not crying, but completely exhausted and drained. Mac sat down beside me and asked if Sarah Jane had been like that all day. I told him that she had been. He hugged me and I gratefully fell into His arms and decided never to come back out. But of course dinner arrived and I had to let Him go. The cats slunk back in some time after we had eaten.

When Sarah Jane woke next Mac went up and changed her and had her cooing when He brought her downstairs. She still fussed on my breast but not as much. I think she was just too tired to. She drank the best meal of the day and promptly went back to sleep. Mac burped her again and put her back to bed. Then He put me to bed too. He tucked me in and snuggled up to me until I was sleeping. I knew He would get up and do some work after I was asleep. I felt guilty wanting Him to lay there with me, but as He said, He wouldn't do it if He didn't want to. So I enjoyed it for a few minutes before I drifted off.

When Sarah Jane woke for her next feed my period had arrived. I felt a lot less tense and Sarah Jane didn't fuss, just latched on and sucked. I don't know if Sarah Jane was reacting to me when she wouldn't feed. Or maybe because I was tense my milk wouldn't come as easily. Sarah Jane has been feeding fine ever since.

Mac asked me if it was going to be like this every month. I was honest and told Him that I hoped not, but this being the first baby I have had, I have no clue what any day is going to be like. I do know that I am still tired and even though Sarah Jane sleeps longer through the night I still don't get enough continuous sleep. I still have a zombie day now and then where all I do is sleep whenever she does. There was only one last week so we are getting better at all this.

But with all of this, I love being her mum. I love being His wife. I couldn't imagine doing anything else right now.

It's all a part of being me.

Posted by Sarah McBroden at 8:55 am

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