Kneeling before Him...



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Saturday, February 10, 2007

So trust. How do you know who to trust? How did I know that I could trust Mac? Actually, for me it was quite simple, I trusted Mac because He was always honest with me. He always watched out for me, and always kept me from trouble from the moment we became friends and long before we became lovers. Mac had a girlfriend and was faithful to her, even where I was concerned. The only time Mac ever allowed me to touch Him sexually was when they had separated. And even then, He was brutally honest with me, telling me that He had made a mistake, that right then, He was not capable of loving me. He and His girlfriend ended up back together and even if Mac and I had never become us, I would always have cherished the intimacy that we shared. Why? Because as hard as it hurt to know He loved someone else, He never once made me feel less because of our past. If anything, I think He treasured me more. There were other issues involved and because of those Mac and I didn't speak to each other for a while, but the very first time I needed Him even after I had hurled abuse at Him, Mac was there for me, ready to be my friend and protector again.

I think when you are deciding if you can trust someone, you need to look back at all the ways that person has made you feel. There should never be any pressure, there should be no hurtful lies, there should be no belittling. The person you trust to put you in a helpless position should never have made you feel bad about yourself and they should be concerned about your safety too.

I know it is often hard to see the ways you have been manipulated until you can see it in hindsight and that often by then it is too late. At least it is that way for me. I have put myself into dangerous situations without being able to see that the man involved was only looking out for what he could get from me. Only later have I been able to look back and see that the he in question was always pressuring me to do things that I didn't want to do, that he would withhold affection until I gave in to give him what he wanted. It was only in hindsight I could see that he was always making me feel bad about myself to the point of making me believe that I was lucky that an unattractive fat slob like myself was loved by someone as good as he was. He made me believe that I was unworthy of him. So I know how hard it can be to be able to see an untrustworthy person for what they are.

So how can we trust ourselves to know when someone is trustworthy? If I knew the answer to that, I could make a fortune selling the secret to those of us that suffer from lower self confidence. All I can say is that if at any time you feel like it is something you must do to make him stay in love with you even if it makes your tummy feel ill, trust your gut and walk away before it goes too far.

As for always keeping you safe, Mac has never once left me in a position where I could not undo my own restraints. It would not be too simple. I can't just pull out of them, but it is never so difficult that I can't get them undone within 20 seconds. The cuffs we use are comfortable leather with D rings securely sown in. We use them attached to each other or to ropes, chains or the bed head with snap-hooks which I can undo with a twist of my wrist and a tug on the lever. It takes some concentration, but is far from impossible so if something happens to Mac (like in Stephen King's book, Gerald's Game) then I can easily undo myself and get help. And if we ever got to a stage where Mac was doing something that I did not want to do and I needed Him to stop, I could undo it and do whatever I needed to do to get away.

Neither Mac nor I think we will ever reach that stage, asking Him to stop should be enough to make Him stop, but if we ever do, we both know I will be safe. That is important for Mac as well as me.

I guess what I am saying here is that any guy that wants to tie you up should be more worried about you then he is worried about himself. If all he cares about is how good it will be for him, then I would at least make him wait a while. Seeing how he reacts to a refusal will be a good judge of if you should let him do it or not.

And always leave yourself a way out.

These are just my own personal points of view. Others will disagree with me and I would like to see what others have to say, but please just keep your disagreements to what I have written and try not to attack me personally. That way I don't have to delete your comments. (I am sorry that I had to say that again, but I am still getting personal attacks in comments. It is tiresome to have to be comment police.) Also, please add anything you feel I have left out or anything you want to expand on. I think this is something that should be open for discussion.

I am in no way claiming to be an expert on trust or people, I am just offering up what I feel to be right for me.

Posted by Sarah McBroden at 4:39 am

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