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Monday, March 12, 2007
These last few weeks have seemed to last a long time for me. I am not sure why, but when Sarah Jane is sleeping and I have some time to myself, I find myself feeling very lonely, even though I am not alone. I try not to dwell on it, keeping myself busy with cooking, washing (for someone so little, she sure wears a lot of clothing), cleaning, reading, and crocheting when everything else is done. Painting is very hit and miss, mostly miss, as I can’t get into a flow while I am waiting for Sarah Jane to wake up so I work distractedly and it shows. The painting lacks consistency and cohesion, it ends up being a disjointed mess. This frustrates the artist in me more than it should, so I mostly only paint so I can play with colours. There is no substance to anything I paint.
Mac has been busy, but not unusually so. We treasure the time we have together and as a family. We don’t just love each other. We enjoy each other’s company, so we try to find time to relax together everyday. Mac allows me to submit to Him. It can be a simple gesture, such as me serving Him a drink, or more involved, with me serving as His pleasure in which ever way He desires. He takes time out to make me feel like His princess and His slut. It makes everything else we have to deal with seem easier when we have made time to be ourselves.
So really, I am not missing anything that I can put my finger on. Yet sometimes, when Sarah Jane is sleeping and the house is suddenly quiet, I have periods of time where I feel lost. And as much as I clean and cook and fill my day with crafts or books, it never quite keeps the emptiness away.
My sister says I am focussing too much of my energy on giving to Sarah Jane and Mac and not doing enough for myself. She says that mentally, I am letting myself stagnate and so as soon as I stop doing something my brain jumps up and down wanting some attention too. I would argue that I have been reading, therefore forcing my brain to work, but in truth, it has been a long time since I have felt involved with the characters in a book. There is a distinct lack of feeling being put into today’s mass fiction as authors find a theme that works and then write the same story over and over again. This leaves the characters two dimensional and the story too fast paced. People fall in love over one conversation and we are expected to believe they would risk everything they have for someone they don’t even know. I think they underestimate the intelligence of people with the way they write. Or maybe it is just that in this fast paced world, they are scared that we no longer want to have to think for more than 3 minutes at a time. I want something more. I want substance. And that is twice now I have used that word.
So I guess I am feeling a lack of substance in my life. Mac and Sarah Jane are great. They fill me with happiness and love when they are around, so it is a lack of other-substance that I am suffering from. Does that come from within, or do I find it by losing myself in a good book? Can I perhaps learn a new craft, or take up a class to satisfy my idle mind? I just need something that stimulates that empty part of my brain. I want to be made think. I need something to make me think.
Why has that become so hard to find?