Kneeling before Him...



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Wednesday, April 18, 2007

I was reading some whining on the net last night about the perfect lives and relationships written about in blogs and I realised I have been writing a lot about the perfection of my relationship and that maybe it was time for a reality check, just so you all don't think I have it too under control. I certainly am not perfect.

At the moment, I am sitting here mid morning in my robe, not showered, hair not brushed. I have huge black bags under my eyes from lack of sleep. Mac is away and while that is reason enough for me not to rest soundly, Sarah Jane also has a slight head cold, nothing too bad, it just makes her snuffly enough to be a little unsettled at night, which of course, unsettles me.

My period is on its last day or so and I think I am low on iron. It is a problem that I do suffer with often. I am on meds for it, but it still tends to bottom out when I menstruate. The tiredness is deep down in my bones and I feel like all the energy has been sucked out of me. I think I could sleep for at least 12 hours straight.

I am too tired to do the washing, so it is piling up downstairs and I have not cooked for myself since Mac left. Cheese sandwiches do just fine, though today, I think it will have to be cheese on toast as the bread is no longer fresh. (Toast counts as cooking right?) Every time I walk past my bedroom, I think that I should make my bed, only when I go in there I just climb into it to rest.

Mac will be home tomorrow, so I have to get it all in order. Not because He thinks I have everything under control but because I don't want to fall down on my end of the job while He is out slaying corporate dragons. The house keeping is my responsibility. I know that it is not really messy but I am behind and in danger of falling further behind, so I need to do something other than sleep.

I am actually thinking that I may give in and call my mother. She will at least give me some direction on how to get it all done and of course the motivation to complete it. She won't leave unless everything is ship shape and though I love my mother, after 4 hours, I always wish she would go home. With any luck she will come over and see how tired I am and she will send me to bed and she will take care of Sarah Jane. I will wake to find all the washing has been done, floors washed, Sarah Jane bathed and content and something yummy ready for my dinner.

But I know that it is cheating and that other mothers don't run off to their mummies when times get a little rough. So my pride is interfering and telling me that I can do it all by myself and that is the way that it should be. I am not weak. I am not unable to take care of us. I should pull up my socks and get on with it. I can't rely on my mother to always bail me out. I need to take responsibility.

I would be ok if Mac was coming home in the morning, but He won't be home until late tomorrow night so after today, I have to make it through another day. I think it would be best for Sarah Jane and me if I just swallowed my pride and admitted that this time I just can't make it on my own. I am not other mothers, I am me. I have that option available to me and I am thinking bugger being a perfect mum. Just let me get some uninterrupted sleep!

I know that if I get the sleep today, tomorrow I will bounce back.

I am trying desperately to convince myself that asking for help is ok.

One day I will get this whole wife/mother thing under control. It just isn’t going to be today.

Posted by Sarah McBroden at 10:09 am

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