Kneeling before Him...
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Saturday, April 07, 2007
A strange thing has been happening to me of late and I am doing my absolute best to over analyse it and turn it into a big deal, as I am prone to do.
Mac and I have been having what can only be described as particularly loud and messy sex, the type of sex that makes you cringe a little if you think about it too much afterwards. We have been very decadent, very indulgent, letting ourselves go with our desires and not thinking about any consequences our actions might have. Mac has become quite good at calling me nasty names and seeming to mean them, the humiliation causing me deep sexual pleasure that makes my body shudder repeatedly. We enjoy each other, completely, sensually.
But afterward, I have a lot of trouble switching back to being His loving wife. At least, I have more trouble than He does at switching the filthy sex off. For Him it stops at the point of His orgasm. He is finished, and He wants to switch off and fall asleep. I know this and I am happy to let that happen. I draw away from Him. And we are fine like that. I curl up into myself and fall asleep. The real problem comes when Mac decides I need to be reminded I am His princess. I can’t cope with that. I just want to be left alone to deal with what I feel.
Mac would tell you that part of it goes back to self-loathing. I think that I don't deserve to be loved, but the thing is that I know He loves me. I know that He feels closer to me than ever. I know I have never been more precious to Him. So thinking that I don't deserve to be loved when I am happy knowing that I am loved doesn't seem to fit this time. It is not that I don't want to know that He loves me, it's just that right then, right after we have had dirty rough sex, I don't want to hear Him say it. I don't want Him to comfort me. I am not out of that rough and dirty place the way that He is and the words almost ask too much of me. He wants me to be loving and gentle and giving and I feel like I am unable to give. I often don't want to talk to Him.
The other night when we were laughing, it was an easier transition. I had space, Mac wasn't asking anything of me, but it was still intimate and still loving and I was able to revel in being the loving wife part of me after the laughter had stopped. I needed that gap to allow myself to come back to being me. Then I could give Him all the love and gentleness that I feel I should give. I was able to be His princess again.
Really I am not sure anything is wrong with me. I am not sure I should be able to turn off what I am feeling, the humiliation, the sluttiness, the feeling of being nothing but a sexual object for Him to use. I don't think I should be able to turn it off the way Mac does. Mac loves that I lose myself in the sex we have, and even though He loses Himself too, there is always that part of Mac that is in control. He is the one that makes sure it doesn’t go too far. He is the reason that I can so completely give it all up to Him, knowing that it is safe to do so. His emotional grasp on the world is a lot stronger than mine has to be. That makes His ability to come back to an even emotional level stronger too.
So is it self punishment, or is it self preservation? Is it normal for me to take some time to be able to come back, or is it selfish of me to push Him away? There will always be that part of me that wants to give Him everything He wants. But sometimes, I am just unable to. Sometimes I need to be the one taking care of me. Mac knows that if He gives me the time and the space, I find my way back to Him, so there isn't really a problem, right? So why does it feel like I am going to lose Him if I can’t be there emotionally when He needs me to be?
I don't want to be away from Him, not even for a minute, but sometimes I have to be.
And that just has to feel ok.