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Wednesday, May 23, 2007
I spent some time yesterday going over some of my previous writing, stuff that was written back in 2005. I didn't mean to start reading it, I just started by looking up the date Mac and I got engaged because it had come up in conversation with my sister and I couldn't remember exactly when it was. Then I read the rest of the entries for February and I was struck by the power with which I wrote. I don't know if this happens to other people that write, but sometimes I get so close to the piece of writing that I can't tell if there is emotion in it. Sometimes I have to leave it a while before I can look at it and see if it makes me feel. And my writing back in 2005 does make me feel. It brought back each and every moment that I shared.
Then I read some of the stuff that I have written recently and I wondered what happened to the girl who wrote with such emotion. I wonder what happened to the girl that questioned everything. Have I grown up or just grown bored? Or have I grown tired of being a crusader for living my life the way I want to? I don't know anymore. I do know that I once considered myself to be a pretty good narrator of my life and now I seem to be just churning out the same things that ninety-nine out of a hundred blogs are filled with. I used to write to stand out of the crowd and now write to just blend in.
Maybe that is appropriate. My life fits into main stream life now. I have a husband and a baby. He has a job and I take care of the house. We love each other with great passion, the way I think love should be. We no longer have sex with numerous people the way we once did. We no longer have adventures. We no longer have a girlfriend that we share. It is just Mac, Sarah Jane and me. We are just another family on the net.
But there is a side of us that I am no longer comfortable admitting to here. I have started to censor myself in order not to offend the people that come here to read. I am two dimensional, our relationship seems flat, my writing lacks the passion that it once held. I am holding back when it comes to the blog. I am cheating all of you, but most of all, I am cheating Mac and me.
Why am I doing that? Why am I holding back? Well for a long time now I have maintained that if you put your life out there on the internet for everyone to read, then you cannot ask people not to judge you. You have opened yourself to that judgement and not everyone will agree with you and not everyone will be kind. I know this and I accept it and so will not ever tell anyone they have no right to judge me, harshly or favourably. But every comment has an affect. No one out there lives in a vacuum. I always pretend that those that chose to attack me in the name of helping me, those that say "I don't mean to be rude" then go ahead and be rude anyway (by the way, saying "I don't mean to be rude" does not excuse you for being rude, if you don't mean to be rude, don’t be) mean nothing. I now delete these comments and hope that only a few of you have seen. But I still have to read them. I still have to see what they say. And I have to question myself with each message sent. Are they right about me? Do they see an illness I am unable to see? Do I need help? Is there something wrong with me?
I look at Mac. I hold Him and I love Him and I feel that there is nothing wrong with us, that the illness is in the people demanding that I live my life by their rules but still, I have to question us. It is in my nature to do so and pretending that it does not affect me is just that, pretence.
So now when I come here I often leave out things that are important, the things that mean so much to me. I lie by omission about our lives and make us out to be ordinary. I just want to be seen like everyone else out there. I don't want to share with you my doubts because I am told they mean I am depressed or bi-polar. I don't want to share with you my happiness because I am told that it makes me self-centred and fake. I don't want to tell you about my sex life because it makes me sick and twisted and my submission means I am letting women down.
It makes me angry that I have allowed this to happen, angry at myself for not letting the comments slide off my back. I have let these comments move me away from what I wanted to achieve here. I want to be me, not fit into some predetermined mould. Being me means a lot to me. Having Him allowing me to be me means even more. Mac allows me to be the me I enjoy being. If I can’t be who I am, then this blog is useless to me. I don’t want to pretend anymore.
This does not mean that I am quitting this blog. It just means that I want to start writing more that is relevant to me. I have to stop writing filler and start writing with the passion I once felt for this place. I need to take it back again. So if I am miserable and feeling un-submissive expect to hear about it and the trouble we have sometimes, the fights, holding it together, the love, the sex, the depravity, the doubts, the good times and the bad, all of it. It is all a part of me. Just like this blog used to be.
I hope that I can get this place back again.