Kneeling before Him...
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Sunday, May 27, 2007
Mac came home two nights ago. I know I said that He would be back on Monday, but things didn't work out that way. The trip got extended to Tuesday, then to Thursday, and then we were not sure if He would be home Friday or Monday, but as it turned out, He took a late flight and arrived sometime Friday morning. Early Friday morning. Like 3 or .
He woke me when He came home. I was very surprised to see Him and in my sleepy haze I was also a little wary. Communication between the two of us had broken down while He was away. Often when He had time to call me I was busy with Sarah Jane and when I had time to talk, He was in meetings. We resorted to emailing each other and even though it was sharing thoughts and feelings, it wasn’t even close to the same, just like being on the telephone is not the same as having Him here with me.
When I whined in email that I wanted a conversation, He teased me that He hardly had time for the important things, let alone time for me. I got hurt and got a little (ok a little more than a little) stroppy. He got annoyed. I got indignant. And suddenly it was a full blown fight, as full blown as an email can get.
The awful thing about email is that I can say things I would never dare say to His face. The other awful thing is that tone cannot be read. Even when one or the other of us had tried to calm it down, the other didn't see it like that. Until Mac finally pulled the plug and let me stew for a day. I apologised and He apologised, but we were still skating on thin ice. We were being very nice to each other, the kind of nice you are when you know that something is not settled yet. I knew I had said some things that should not have been said. I knew that I had hurt Him and that I was wrong, but it was 3 or 4am and I was hardly awake and I didn't want to rehash it right then.
So instead of greeting Mac all loving and sweet, I fell back on that old stand by, smartassary. And smartassary at that time of the morning is not real pretty. I can't even remember what I said, but it got a reaction pretty much straight away. Mac told me that I either show Him some respect or fuck off. I was stunned by this. I tried to laugh it off and that annoyed Him even more, so He told me again, either respect Him or fuck off, the choice was mine.
I didn't know what to do. I sat there in our bed hugging my knees. His anger was palpable. I was suddenly hurt and scared. I wanted desperately to run away and hide. He asked me what my choice was going to be, respect Him or fuck off and I bowed my head and asked Him in the tiniest of voices that He please stop telling me to fuck off. He pushed me back on the bed and climbed over me.
And the fucking was brutal. He ground Himself into me so hard that my pubic bone is bruised. He left marks on my breasts and on my neck. He called me names and slapped me. He told me to call Him Sir. It wasn't until I had trouble saying it that I realised that I was the one holding back. I was resisting Him. I did not want to reconnect to Him and I did not want to submit. I needed to hang onto that part of me that looks after me while He is away. I was not ready to give it back to Him. Not at 3 or . So I accepted what He gave me as a punishment instead of the rough sex that I so desperately craved. I accepted the bruises and the bites and the pain without allowing it to be passion. I would not allow myself any pleasure from it, though I knew deep down that pleasure is what Mac wanted me to feel. I felt that I didn't deserve it to feel good because I had pissed Him off. I was a bad girl and needed to be punished and so I let it become Him punishing me.
After Mac had finished He lay beside me and we talked about His trip, the weather, how Sarah Jane was, all things that had nothing to do with us. Then we fell asleep.
Mac has been nothing but loving since then, and I have been a little distant. I know it is me. I know that I am still the one holding out on Him. I also know He is choosing to ignore it. I have to come to Him. He will not force me too. Thing is, I am still not sure that I want to. I mean, I want to, but I am not sure it is the best thing for me. I am hiding from it because I am tired and I am tired because I am fighting it all the time. I spend so much time looking after myself when He is gone that I have to fight it and then it gets harder to let it go. I know I should go out and find friends to be with when He is not here but with Sarah Jane it is so much harder to meet friends for lunch or anything. I don't go out of a Friday night anymore and I don't meet new people. Most days Mac is my only adult contact and some times that is just so hard, probably on both of us. (I wouldn't give up Sarah Jane for the world.)
I know that I will go back to submitting to Mac and I know that it will be even better than before. We will become so very close again. We will go back to being so completely entwined. It is there inside of me just waiting for me to stop being so stubborn and give in. Mac is there, just quietly doing His own thing, knowing that when I am ready I will come back to Him.
I am not panicking. We are both being very calm and both enjoying some decadent sex while we are waiting. I have stopped punishing myself and let myself feel pleasure in it again. I know why I am fighting it, but at the same time, I want so desperately to give in. I want so much to be His good girl again.
Sometimes, it is so damn hard to get on my knees, no matter how much I want to.
God I can be a stubborn bitch.