Kneeling before Him...
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Monday, June 04, 2007
Mac: I will call you what the fuck I want and you will call me Sir, or Master. Or, to be more precise, you will WANT to call me Sir or Master. I don't give a fuck if you do or not, or what you call me, but you will always WANT to call me Master
Sarah: I should always want to call you Master but sometimes I don't.
Mac: That's your fault, not mine.
Sarah: Does it have to be someone's fault?
Mac: No, of course not. (Then jokingly) Long as it isn't mine.
So my mind has been going over and over this part of a conversation Mac and I had yesterday. Nothing changed, nothing was resolved, we are still at the same place, marking time.
Is it my fault? Is it His? Is it just a fact of life that I have to overcome and get on with? Not every story has a happy ending, am I being stubborn just to prove a point? Am I looking for trouble because everything was so smooth? Am I being self-destructive just because I can?
Mac: If you are acting like a bitch and angling for me to whack you one, I don't. I leave you alone until you get over it, mostly. I have told you many times, I don't dance to that tune.
I know this. I have said it myself so many times, that Mac will not force me into submission. But why not when it is what I need from Him? Why won't He pull me into line when I am careening around so out of control? I understand that He feels it is being untrue to Himself by letting me force Him to take control of me, but I need it, I need Him to do it. Doesn't that count too?
Why must I be the one that makes this choice when I was the one that asked Him to take the choices away from me? He said He would. Last time we were close I asked Him not to let me do this to us again. He said He would keep me in line. So why am I allowed to do this time and time again?
I know what it would take to end this stand off. I know I have to go to Him and ask nicely for Him to take control. There is a part of me that wants to do that so badly I ache. I should go to Him. I know that by not doing it I let us both down. Yet there is also a part of me that believes I shouldn't have to ask because I asked Him to do it a long time ago. There is a part of me that feels He has let us down too.
I don't want Him to be one of those men that grinds out every ounce of individuality from his girl, who beats her into submission until there is nothing left but a shell. But I do want to know that when I cross a line there will be consequences. I need to know that I have boundaries and rules that can't be bent.
I keep bending them and watching with an almost clinical detachment to see what it is that breaks.
I wonder when it will be me.