Since Mac fucked me with the spoon there have been other things He has fucked me with. Not all of them have been of a phallic nature. Not all of them have been comfortable. I have learned to hate it. It is humiliating and sometimes it is painful. I feel degraded and am disgusted that this can turn me on so much.

I think about it all the time.

I hate it and I ache for it. I dread it and I long for it to happen again. I find things for Him. I buy things in the hope that He will use them on me. Then I hide them, scared to show Him because He will know why I bought it. He will think that I want Him to do these demeaning, perverted things to me. I don’t want Him too. But I do. I really really do.

My body betrays me again.