Kneeling before Him...
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Thursday, June 07, 2007
Some questions were asked by Randi in the last set of comments, good questions that some people have had some input on. I don't know that there is much to add, but me being me, well, I will add it anyway. And before anyone gets upset because this is not how they submit I would like to add that I am writing about my submission and the way that I submit. I am not saying that my way is the right way or is the only way. Whatever works for you is the right way. This is how it works for me.
I guess I do not understand - how is it true submission when you are the one in control of submitting? Doesn't that mean that you take back the control in the relationship? That you are truly the one calling the shots?
Well first up, I am not sure what is meant by true submission. Submission is different for everyone and everyone defines it differently. I think what is meant is a total submission in all aspects of the relationship, not just in the bedroom, at least, that is what I am taking it to mean here.
The truth here is I don't decide when I do and don't submit. I submit to Mac even when I am out of control. One word from Him, one nod of the head, one hand on the back of my neck and I submit. I will fall to my knees and bow my head at the click of His fingers. I will give it all to Him whenever He asks for it. The problem exists when He doesn't ask for it so I can take away all visible signs. I don't kneel when He comes home, I don't go out of my way to make Him more comfortable. I actually don't go out of my way to spend time with Him. I submit, but it is very much a perfunctory submission, I do it as little as I possibly can get away with. I withhold as much affection as I can. I do this to get a reaction from Him, to try and FORCE Him to MAKE me submit. He won't play that game with me. He will just let me go on with it. And when He has had enough of my carry on, He will say "ok, that is enough" and I will stop it.
Doesn't that mean I take back control of the relationship? Sometimes I wish it did mean that. I wish I could bend Mac to my will. Unfortunately (or more likely fortunately) He is a stubborn bastard and try as I might, He will not bend. He will not let me make the decisions. He will not let me rule the roost. I have even tried pointing out that I wear the panties in this relationship, I own the pussy, if He wants it, He had better toe the line. He pushed me onto the bed and took my panties off me and tossed them away. He told me that now I don't wear the panties and if I wanted to start being allowed to wear them again I had better toe the line. It is HIS pussy and He will take it when He wants. I begged Him to take it then. Sighs.
See thing is, my submission, it is not a gift I give to Him. I forget that sometimes. I know other women see it that way, that their submission is a beautiful gift they give to their One, but Mac certainly doesn't see it like that. He would live quite happily without any outward sign of D/s. (When I say without any outwards sign of D/s, rest assured, Mac would dominate any relationship He had. He can't help Himself.) I am the one that needs those outward signs. I need to kneel and to serve Him, to please Him and be called His good girl. I need it, not Him. So it is not my gift to give Him my submission, it is His gift to allow me to give it to Him. That makes a huge difference in where the power lies. My holding back doesn't give me any more leverage with Him. Mac retains the control. He chooses when to exert His authority or not exert it. He will not do it at my whim. No matter how I try to make Him do it. Through begging and pleading or through tears and tantrums, Mac only gives what He wants to give. (Selfish Git.) I am just lucky that He loves me so much and adores my submission so much that He likes to allow it.
So basically no matter what I do I am not in control. Mac is. Even when He is away, the things I do, they are for Him. I keep the house for Him. I shop for Him. I look after myself and Sarah Jane for Him. I do my best to be home when I know He will call and I will always email Him if I have to go out so that He knows where I am even if He is in another country. And I will ask permission for the things I know I have to ask permission for even if it means I have to send Him a text. If He doesn't reply, I go without. I obey the rules we have if He is here to enforce them or not. I can't help it, even when we fight, especially when we fight, I want to be His good girl. I will do anything to please Him. It is just who I am.
I hope that has cleared up what I mean when I am holding out on Mac and also shows more about how our relationship works. As I said it is not how it is for everyone and my way is not better than anyone else's. It is just what is best for us.
And really, that is all it has to be.