Kneeling before Him...
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Wednesday, June 06, 2007
Sometimes for a really intelligent woman, I can be so stupid. Sometimes being stubborn is not an admirable trait. Yesterday I came to the conclusion that the person I am hurting the most by fighting Him, is me. And I don't deserve to be hurt, especially not by me. So I decided to cut it out. I decided to stop pushing. I decided enough. I am tired of it.
Of course it might have something to do with Mac saying stop pushing now. He said He had enough. He was tired of it. So maybe, just maybe, He had something to do with my growing tired of it too.
See thing is, He loves me. I know that doesn't come as a shock to anyone except me, but He really does love me. More than I deserve. He loves me so much that my tantrums and complexities and stupidity don't deter Him. I am not sure if that makes Him even madder than I am, but He loves me like I never believed I could be loved.
And this holding back, this keeping one foot on the ground so I won't fall, what is the point in that? What is the point in living a life half afraid of what might happen next time He goes away? He will go away again. It is what He does. He can't help Himself. He gets itchy feet if He sits still too long. New countries, new challenges, new jobs, are what He lives for. He gets bored waiting for things to come to Him. So He will go away again for a few days or a week or two, but He will also come back home to me, because no matter what, I am the one that holds His heart.
So I should revel in it. I should give it all to Him. I should love Him so hard and for so long that He can hardly stand it. I need to kiss Him so much that He tires of my lips on His. He says He won't, but I am willing to try and find out if He does. I am willing to fill up on His love.
We made love last night in a typical Mac and Sarah way, loudly and messily. We were close to finished when Mac just stopped, just like that, and told me that I wasn't getting any more from Him unless I asked for it nicely. He said He wanted me to beg Him to start again.
I begged Him like I have never begged before. I asked Him sweetly and said please. He told me to beg Him again. I did. He told me later that right then at that moment He thought that it was impossible for anyone to love more than He loved me. He felt so full of me. Of course, Mac being Mac, He whacked me one and called me a greedy little pig. I have never come harder in my life. I was full of Him too.
Yesterday I forgot to keep that foot on the ground and I fell head over heels in love with Him again. And it felt so damn good that I am not going to put that foot back down. Not until I have to.
Keeping me safe from Him can wait.