I find myself with little to write as the status of the relationship remains the same. We are friends, mates, buddies, and we fit together like two halves of a whole. We joke, talk, laugh, finish each other's thoughts and anticipate what the other will do next. We remain close, so close that sometimes it is hard for me to work out if my thoughts are my own or just a reflection of His.

And we fuck each other like there is no tomorrow and if we don't fit it all in, everything, right now, we may never get to feel this way again. We fuck like nothing else matters, but us. We leave each other bruised and aching to do it all again the very next chance we get.

But there is still something missing, something that we don't talk about. I let my guard down the other day and let myself fall in love with Him and He said that it was nice. But He didn't fall in love with me. When it happens like that I am so vulnerable and when He is not in the same place He is unaware of how easily I can be hurt. He doesn't mean it, but that doesn't stop it from cutting me deep. He can't see how much it hurts me because He just doesn't feel that part of me. Talking about it just makes Him pull further away. So I reeled it back in and went back to being His best friend.

I know things are ok, better than ok. I know things are great between us and that we are one of the happiest families I know. I know I am lucky, spoilt and treasured and I know Mac loves me more than He knows how to say. I know given time, without pressure or force this will come back to us. It always has before. But still, I miss it. I miss the feeling of being so full I could burst.

I hope it comes back soon.