Kneeling before Him...
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Friday, July 27, 2007
"You're hurting me." I growled through clenched teeth.
He smiled a sly, knowing sort of smile. "You like it when I hurt you." He said.
I arched my back into the pain and screamed again.
And while I was screaming, somewhere in there, I had the hardest and strongest orgasm I have ever had. So did He.
We fell apart and both lay on our backs panting to catch our breath. Parts of me were still throbbing in pain while other parts of me were contracting in pleasure and my mind was struggling to catch up. I started to cry. It wasn't a soft gentle lady like cry, more of a snot-inducing sobbing that forced me to curl up on my side and hold onto myself to stop it from running away with me. He hesitated. I felt His discomfort at being forced to soothe me and I steeled myself against His touch. He held me, but neither of us wanted it and when He fell asleep I moved away. He didn't wake.
I know He is trying and I know that He makes the effort to make the right noises and gestures, but it isn't enough. Or maybe it is not that it is not enough, it just doesn’t feel right. He shouldn't need to try and it shouldn't be an effort. I don't want Him to hold me because He feels He should or because it is His responsibility. I want Him to hold me simply because there is nothing else in the world He would rather be doing. Anything less than that is just false.
I know it is not His fault. You cannot force your self to feel things that just aren't there. That would also be false. I just wish that neither of us had to force ourselves to do the things that usually come so naturally. There is a gap between us that is slowly growing. I stopped trying to breach it a couple of days back, thinking that if I stopped rushing towards Him, He would stop pulling away. It hasn't worked. The gap is still widening. We sit apart and say very little. We especially don't talk about us. As much as I know that it will come back I am impatient for it to come back now. I don't want to have to wait.
Of course, the sex is mind-blowingly good. I can't remember a time when it has been more intense and more gratifying and it has always been pretty intense. Every time is like starting on a new adventure. I am excited just by being around Him. I get an adrenaline rush just from His smell.
With sex this good, I shouldn't be complaining.
I guess I am just greedy for it all.