Kneeling before Him...
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Monday, August 27, 2007
Mac and I had another long conversation. We needed it. As I said, there were still things between us that needed to be sorted. I think with this conversation we sorted them.
Through talking to each other Mac came to the conclusion that He needed help sometimes. Sometimes He forgets that He is supposed to help me because He doesn't need to help me to validate Himself. He goes off on a tangent, loses Himself in the immediate problems in front of Him and forgets that His is the hand I hold onto. He came up with an analogy which I think fits perfectly.
We are on a steep hill and Mac is at the top. Sarah can't make it to the top without Mac's help. Mac doesn't need to help Sarah to get there Himself but Sarah needs Him to help her.
He said that it is the difference between what I needed and what He needed. He just needs to get me to the top of the hill. It doesn't matter how.
He looked at me openly and without guard and told me that it is much better at the top of this hill when I am there with Him. He might as well have reached into my chest and stroked my heart. I feel completely and utterly, amazingly, deeply, out of control in love with Him. I felt us go click. And we were back. Really back. Where we want to be.
I don't expect this road to be smooth. In fact we hit some bumps the very next day when immediately both of us pulled out our defences when something I didn't say was heard in the wrong context, when something He said was misunderstood. But instead of me retreating to hurt silence and Him scowling at the void, we talked about what was happening and discussed how we had both reached the wrong conclusions. We made it right again because we want to be understood. It will take time to learn how to not immediately assume the other person is being uncaring, simply because we have both felt under attack for some time.
Also, as strange as this sounds, I have to learn to submit to Him again. I mean I do submit, I can't help myself really, but sometimes, I find myself wanting to withdraw. Mac has reminded me that I do not get to pick and chose when I do and do not submit. He says I need this, so just fucking do it. When I hesitate even further He gives me that look, the one that lets me know that He isn't playing with me. I obey, because as we keep reminding each other, this is not a game.
And our home has been a much happier place since the first conversation and a much more loving place since the second. I see it in Mac's eyes whilst I am kneeling on the floor. This is where we both belong.