Kneeling before Him...
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Thursday, August 23, 2007
On Saturday I told Mac that He wasn't my One. Well, I didn't just say it out of the blue. Actually I didn't really say it at all, but it was what Mac heard from me, which really is the same thing. Mac and I were having a conversation that started after I reminded Mac that having a conversation with me was one of the things He had put off for the past two weeks. Wait. I don't think this is coming off just right. I need to start at the beginning.
For the two weeks leading up to last Friday, Mac was preparing a huge presentation for the directors of the company. Because of His staff shortages, He had to do most of the research and number crunching Himself. It was big, it was important, and it ate up all of his spare time to the point where we had not really talked. We had sex, we slept in the same bed, and that was really all. Everything else got put on the back burner. Then on Friday, at lunch time, it was over. Just like that. He gave the presentation, the directors were happy with what He told them and life moved forward again.
Friday night Mac took the members of His team out for dinner and on Saturday we woke up together without one of us needing to be rushing off, only Mac was rushing off somewhere. He said He had things He needed to get done. There were things He had been neglecting for the past two weeks, a haircut, some new shoes and other bits and pieces that I really can't do for Him. He was gone again.
It was around lunch time when I called Him and asked when He would be home. He said He would be another hour or so, and I told Him that we needed to talk. I wasn't angry. I was a little saddened. But all I said was for Him not to forget that a conversation with me was one of the things He had neglected. I knew that an hour in Mac time was probably 2 or 3 in real time. He said ok and goodbye and we hung up.
I was very surprised to find that He was home 15 minutes later. He said that He couldn't be assed to go to the last place He needed to go and I am still not sure if He came home to talk to me, or if He really couldn't be assed to do the last thing on His list. Either way, we got to talk. And that was when things really went wrong.
It started out friendly enough. We talked about Him successfully upgrading His plane ticket to business class for when He goes away next week. I told Him that I was afraid for us because we had not really even become close between His trips away this time. I had thought that He would not be going away until the middle of September. This end of August trip had come as a surprise when He had told me the night before as we were going to sleep. At the time I had not even realised that He would miss my birthday. Nor had He. I told Him this. He got defensive, saying that this was the best time for Him to go. He had not picked the timing of it. He had to go. I told Him that I was not telling Him not to go or even suggesting that He shouldn't go, I was just pointing out that this one really sucks for me. Thing is, I didn't want Him to defend His reasons for going, I know He doesn't really have much choice, but I wanted Him to tell me that He was sorry that He did have to go. I wanted Him to say that it sucked for Him to miss my birthday too. I only get one a year. He didn't say it. I guess I have been attacking Him too much for Him to feel that putting His arms around me might have been the right thing to do.
So I was a little stung by the time we started talking about a Master. Mac felt that I had been thinking about finding a new Master. I might have been a tad too cheery when I mentioned that I had thought about it. I didn't lie. I honestly had. I just didn't mention that it had been a fleeting thought, a passing fancy while I was doing my best thinking in the shower. I had thought simply that I had almost everything I could possibly want in my husband, a great lover, a wonderful provider, a witty and intelligent friend, but lately, I didn't feel like He was my protector. I thought if I could just find that, I would have the perfect man. I thought it and discarded it, just like that. Ok well, not just like that. I thought of the men we know and tried to imagine one of them in that role of protector and I got a giggle out of it. Then I forgot about it. If I needed a protector and it could not be Mac then I would have that Big Bad Dark Dom from my fantasies do it. There really was no other man. So instead of telling Mac it all, I told Him that I had thought about it and I had imagined someone in that role. He asked who and I picked a name that I knew would get a reaction. It did. Mac went blank. I knew He didn't want me to see that He was hurt.
I didn't feel at all satisfied. I felt awful. It was not my intention to hurt Him. I was just in ultra protect Sarah mode. Mac asked if I had called this guy or sought Him out. I said no. He asked if I wanted to and I said not really. I told him then that the truth of it was that if I couldn't have Him, I didn't want anyone. I would rather just live without then be with someone else. He asked what it was I wanted in a protector. I told Him it was someone to take care of me, watch out for me, stop me from being hurt, especially by myself. It was someone to guide me and give me boundaries. He was cold. He said that it was all the things I thought I had found in Him. I told Him that it was the things I had found in Him. He said I had stopped wanting them from Him because He could not be here as much as I liked and I told him that it wasn't it. I didn't want Him to be here more as much as I wanted Him to want to be here more. I felt like He was going away and forgetting that I was even here for days at a time. I knew I had said something really bad in there, but I couldn't quite work out what. It was more than just bring up that guy. It seemed like everything I said after that just made things worse. He sat back and said that I had been saying for a while that He and I were just friends and lovers and He said that He had not really understood what it meant. Until now. He said that He was no longer my One. I told Him that He could be. He said "well, gee, thanks."
We sat there for a little while, not looking at each other. I was crying quietly. He seemed a cross between bored and frustrated. It was not good.
"I don't want it to be like this." I said.
"I don't like it either." He said.
Then I possibly said the most stupid thing of the night and I really didn't mean it the way it sounded, but I said it that way.
"Well, we have two choices here, McBroden. We either give up, or we find a way to become what we were." An ultimatum. At least, that is what it looks like no matter how many times I try and explain it wasn't. I said it simply because Mac had said He didn't like the way things were either, so I felt that something had to be done. What I meant was we either made the effort to improve things between us, or we just didn't bother.
Issuing an ultimatum to a dominant man is never a good idea. Never. Mac did not at all appreciate the fine points that I failed to mention in my little line about giving up or trying. He took it at face value, which is something I cannot blame Him for. Your intentions hardly count when you don't explain things properly. So of course, Mac said we should give up, only He used other words to say it. He told me that He was not prepared to write cheques He couldn't cash. He said that He was going away again and that things would be strained between us and He could not promise things would be fine. He told me that if I wanted this other man then I should go for it, but don't think that I could have Him as well. He said the very idea was ludicrous.
My immediate reaction was to tell Him that He had seemed to miss the part about me not wanting anyone else if I could not have Him and He said He didn't miss it, but He had not missed the 'not really', either. And I realised again that what I had meant and what He had heard were two different things. For two people who tell each other a whole damn lot, we can really get our wires crossed sometimes. When I said not really, what I had meant was that I did want a protector, but I wasn't about to go looking for one. I wanted the one sitting across from me. I somehow expected Him to understand that. I got it wrong.
So I said it properly. "I don't want that other guy. I don't want to look for anyone. I do want a Master and I want Him to be you. Without you it is just posing. I can't be any clearer than that."
He looked at me. "Then shut the fuck up about it and stop whining!" He said.
And I laughed and told Him that He was the one whining and we argued about whining and discussed the ultimatum and I tried to get across that it wasn't one and He pointed out it was saying that when I tell Him we must take action a or give up, it only gives Him two fucking options and that is an ultimatum! I pointed out that He took give up! He grinned and said that He knew I would panic and retreat. I told Him I didn't retreat, that I still thought that we were better than wear we were. He wasn't listening to me.
"And another thing," He said, "while we are fucking at it. Come here and kiss me gently."
I smiled at Him and went to Him and sat in His lap and kissed Him.
"Love me?" He asked.
"Only whole damn lot." I said.
"As do I, you. So every thing will be fine, angel." He said.
I frowned. "You keep saying that like you know it is true, but isn't that writing cheques you can't cash too?"
"No." He said. "It is knowing what you seem to have forgotten. We always find a way to be us. And see, here you are squirming in my lap and kissing my neck. It is also knowing you and your lows especially after your highs."
I sighed. "I haven't forgotten that we find ways, babe. I am just tired of being unsubmissive. I never wanted to be the one holding me up."
"I couldn't give two fucks if you submit or not Sarah. I just allow it when you need it."
I hid my face in His neck. "Last time I needed it, you told me it was too much and you wanted me to stop needing you."
He looked shocked. "When did I say that?"
"A couple of months back." I said.
"You were probably pissing me off." He said. "I don't remember it."
We sat there for a while, kissing, touching. It was nice, just being together.
"Hey?" I finally said.
"What?" He looked at me a little suspiciously.
"Do you want to be my One?" I asked.
"I already am." He said. "For me not to be I would have to stop being your One." I thought about it for a moment and He is right. He would have to walk away from me to stop being my One and even then, I would probably follow.
"You really don't remember telling me I was too much?" I asked.
"Nope." He said.
"Do you have any idea how much that changed things for me?"
"Uh, well, as I don't remember it, no. I do know things changed, haven't liked it much. Knew you would come back though."
"Mac! I was a mess! Don't say shit like that if you don't mean it!"
"I haven't seen evidence I said it! If I did it was probably something like "God babe, you are too much" after we had just had unbelievable sex!"
"You said that I told you that other men had always seen me as too much and you were starting to see why."
"Am I not allowed to get a little impatient at the height of a woman's PMS just once? You can be bloody difficult you know? All girls can be! Am I not a man? If you prick me do I not bleed?"
"That destroyed me! It was all I could think about!"
"That was it? Good god woman! And I had forgotten about it."
"Yes." I said. "For me that was the start."
"Well, this is the finish." He said. "It ends right now."
Only it wasn’t really the start. It started before that. That was just the point where I became completely lost. Before that had come a few weeks of Him being too busy and me clinging tightly to Him in the hopes that He would come back. The tighter I clung, the more distant He got until finally He told me it was too much and I just let go of every thing.
All He had been able to hear from me was that I wanted Him here, constantly. He felt like I would not be happy unless He spent all His time with me. What I was trying to say to Him was that I felt a gap between us and I wanted Him to dominate me in ways that would close it. We have clips (that went into retirement when we didn't need them, and we didn't bring them back out when we did need them again) and He used to write things on my breasts and thighs before He left for a trip and He would make me write over them if they faded while He was gone. He sometimes would order me to go and kneel beside the bed until I calmed, or just kneel beside the bed for ten minutes before masturbating. He would make me email Him and tell Him what I thought about while I masturbated. All those things did not require His time. I just wanted Him to be my Master after the sex stopped. I hated that He seemed to just forget about it the moment we were done. Maybe that was not His intention, but again, intention doesn't always matter.
Later I asked Mac if I could kneel at His feet to watch the game. He said He would like it very much. Then He told me a number of other things He wanted back between us. There were certain things I had stopped doing over the previous months. He said that enough was enough and we needed to go back to get it back properly. So we have. He also told me no more hints. He said that hints just don't work. If I need to tell Him something then I should say it loud and clear and He said He would try to be more careful with listening. We both accepted that it was a lack of communication that let us down.
I won't say it has been perfect. We still have some things to work through and we still have the trip away coming up. We know it will be a hard time for us both. Mac is sure we will find a way to be just fine and I have put my trust in Him.
The best thing is that I no longer feel completely out of control.
I feel like I am a part of Him again.
I know this was a long entry. I thought about breaking it up, but really this one was just for me to get it all out, so one long entry it is. Thanks for sticking it through to the end.