Kneeling before Him...
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Sunday, August 05, 2007
So, I did it. I stopped the sex. Not all sex. Just the violent and humiliating sex that Mac and I were getting so much enjoyment out of. I didn't stop it just because it was suggested to me by you guys, but you did make me take a step back and have a second look at what was going on. I didn't like what I saw. I stopped it because I was not handling the aftermath. I was kidding myself that everything was fine with it. I wanted it to continue, no matter how much I was hurting. The way we were doing it, fucking violently and humiliatingly, then Mac getting up and going to work, or Mac falling asleep then waking up and going to work, I was falling apart. I can't fall apart.
I don't have time to molly coddle myself. I don't have time to spend half a day on the couch curled up in a little ball in tears. I just can't be that selfish. And I needed to do that to be ok with what we had done. I needed to either self sooth or be soothed and Mac didn't have time to be there for me either. I found I was bottling a lot of feelings up inside me. I had started to resent Mac's work, Mac's book, Mac's time for anything but me. I started to hate Mac and the feeling wasn't really going away before we were doing it again.
It came to a head for me when Mac was leaving for work again last weekend. He had taken some time off in the morning and he had slept, much needed sleep, but still, it wasn't time with me. When I put Sarah Jane down for her nap Mac called me into the bedroom and we enjoyed some violent sex and then He got up and showered. He said He had not realised how late it was and that He really had to get going. I got upset. I told Him that He was confusing me, wanting me then saying that He was late. I needed Him. He said He had to work. He said that I 'refuse to understand'. I was hurt. I just let Him go.
I realised then that He was not meeting my needs. I was not getting the love and support I needed to keep this sort of encompassing sex going. I felt so alone. I weighed up my desire for the sex and my need for something more and I decided that I needed to get away from the sex. I needed time to find me again.
I told Mac I wanted it to stop and I told Him the reasons why. He accepted it calmly and without judgement. He didn't ask questions or make me question it. He just said that if I thought it should stop then we would stop. And that was that. We slipped back into having passionate and loving sex without the violence or humiliation. It is still hot and exciting. We both enjoy it.
Last night Mac talked to me about violent sex. It was the first time in almost a week that it was mentioned between us and I think Mac had waited to see how we would go before He asked questions about it. He pulled me onto His lap and started the conversation.
"The absence of violent sex hasn't made any difference at all." He said. "I know you miss it and desire it. But it really hasn't made a difference."
I thought about it for a moment. "I feel closer to you." I said.
"I don't think the lack of violent sex causes that." He said. "We ebb and flow just like anyone else, Sarah. Sometimes a distance appears, work, schedules, put a strain on us. Then for very little reason I realise how gorgeous you are. Like now. You know?"
"Uh huh." I said. "Do you miss it?"
"No, I don't. It was always more important for you than for me. I miss YOU not having it." He admitted.
I nodded. "I hoped that one day we would go back to it, but I don't think we will." I said.
"Yeah, we will." He said. "Tell me this, do you love it?"
"I love it but I also hate it."
"Do you lust it?"
"Then there will come a time when the opportunity is there and you will beg for it. I know you do hate it and you really don't love it, but you really lust it. You are just in a period now where the hate is winning over the lust. That will ebb and flow, Sarah."
I sighed and let my head rest against His chest.
"For me," He continued, "I don't need it. You can make me come spectacularly without it."
I grinned against His chest. "Uh huh."
He laughed. "Smug bitch!" Then He got all serious again. "Were you worried that stopping the violent sex would change things?" He asked.
"I was worried it would change things, but I was more worried that if it didn't stop, it would change everything. I needed it to stop" I answered.
"You were worried you would walk away from us." He said. It wasn't a question.
"There were times when I hated you. Really hated you. And I hated that I felt that way."
"Well," He said. "There will be times that way again. I can be an arrogant and selfish prick. You will have to resign yourself to that."
I smiled, because I could smile, because I was sitting in His lap and He was stroking my hair and whispering to me and right then His being a selfish prick was a long way away.
And although we are not yet in the best place we could be, we are moving towards it instead of moving away.