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Friday, August 03, 2007
Sometimes it feels like there is just not enough of me to go around. Sarah Jane needs me. Mac expects me to be available to Him. The cats rely on me for food. My sister is in a lot of pain and is going to have her back operated on in two weeks and she needs help with her kids. My mother is behaving like a spoilt brat.
I am not really complaining about any of it. I love being there for all of them. But it leave me little emotion for other things. Like friends.
The two weeks I spent away were really good for me. It often felt like I had another brain on call. If I overloaded on Sarah Jane, my friend would happily step up and take her for a while. It gave me a chance to recharge and Sarah Jane didn’t miss out on any of the attention that she needed.
And boy does she need attention. She hates sitting still for more than 5 minutes at a time. I am constantly on the move with her. I have tried to introduce new and exciting brightly lit sparkly toys that do things to help keep her entertained, but after five minutes it is old news. She wants to see what is happening in the other room. Of course, I have to carry her there and play with her there or that is boring too.
So she needs attention from me all day and my sister's kids need attention and my sister needs attention then Mac gets home and wants attention and in between my mother is calling me and carrying on because she isn't getting attention and the cats are curling around my legs because I haven’t fed them yet. Sometimes it just all gets too much and I just want to be on my own for a while. That is a luxury I just don't have right now.
These things are also the reason there is not a lot of me left to give you. I seem to have very little to pour out here. I need to keep it all inside just to keep me going from morning to night and even though I promise myself each day that I will write today, it just never seems to happen. I promise I have not forgotten about the blog and I am not writing less because I am bored with it. I just don't have the emotion to put into it and anything less, well, we go back to being false.
With any luck though, I will force myself out of this self-induced rut and get back into the social swing soon. I miss you all too.