Kneeling before Him...
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Saturday, August 11, 2007
This has been a week of ups and downs. He loves me... He might love me... He just wants to fuck.
I know that He loves me, but boy, at the moment, getting Him to say it is like pulling teeth, a slow and painful process that ends up leaving you with a hole. I would throw up my hands in despair if I didn't know that He has been trying to say it in his own little ways. A pat on the ass, a smile, help with the washing up, a joke that makes me laugh, sex, are some of the ways He thinks He is saying it to me. I know that, but god, sometimes I just want to jump up and down and scream until He just SAYS it.
It isn't that hard. I know He can do it. He can do it unselfconsciously, in public, without a second thought when He is in the mood. But lately it is as though that part of Him is completely switched off and I am supposed to guess by osmosis that it is what He feels. I am no more of a mind reader than He is but I seem to be expected to be. Double standards sometimes suck.
I told Him today that I am crazy about Him, that sometimes when He touches me I forget to breathe. I told Him that I would do almost anything, give up almost anything just to have one minute by His side. I love Him endlessly. He put His hand on my face and He kissed me softly. And I waited hardly daring to breathe. Then He told me that He had work to do and that He would have time to sit with me later. I almost screamed.
I know that the thought was there. I know what He meant. But I so just wanted to hear it. I am a girl and we need, or at least I need, to have it said out loud so that I am not just guessing it. I am not asking for His time, or any effort. I am not asking to be mastered or dominated or protected. I am not trying to infringe on His work. All I want is for Him to say the damned words. Just spit it out. It doesn't hurt!
And yes, I have asked Him, but for some reason asking Him to say it just makes Him blush and go all boyishly shy. He ums and ars and drives me mental before He says "well, I can't say it now you have asked me too!" and then I want to punch Him a few times. He frustrates me beyond belief.
So from the up of being pulled onto His lap to talk about how things between us haven’t changed to the down of having my declaration of love pushed aside. I have been through it all with Him this week.
My life and my love for Him never has a chance to become boring. I don't know how it will be between us from one day to the next.
I promise I will let you know when that becomes a good thing.
Until then, I will just keep grinding my teeth!