Kneeling before Him...
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Thursday, August 09, 2007
The trouble with a blog is that people only get to see one side of our story. My side. And while I always endeavour to tell the truth, it still is only my side of our story. Yes, I am not getting what I need from Mac right now and no, His saying that He is a selfish prick is not good enough, but Mac isn't doing this to me on purpose. He has not set out to deliberately hold back from me the things I need. Mac has also been under a lot of stress and His time has become much sought after and He just has very little left over for us.
Now right or wrong, it is what it is. He is the boss of His team and He is responsible for His team and when He has two team members move on to different companies and one of His team get homesick and leave and another team member that Mac had palmed off onto Him not doing his job, well, the buck stops with Mac. He has to make sure all their jobs are done as well as try and fit in time to find replacements. He has found two replacements. They start at the end of the month. He is still searching for the third member and the guy who is rude to customers and takes sick leave even though he has none left and is scruffy and surly and unpleasant to deal with has been sent to counselling, because HR said Mac is not allowed to take him around the back and kick him. Apparently it is frowned upon. So counselling is the best they can do for him.
So whilst I may complain that He doesn't have enough time for me, I do understand why He doesn't. I know that He has no more desire to work His weekends than I do having Him work them. It’s just that, knowing that He wants to be with me only makes Him not being here a little better. It doesn't heal the whole. I am still left without Him looking after me and that is a part of the deal.
It is also a part of the deal that I take care of myself when He needs me to and He does need me to right now. He knows that cutting off that decadent and wild sex is me taking care of me which is why He let me let it go. If He truly wanted to be an utterly selfish prick, He would have forced me to keep going with what was pleasing Him. He would not have pulled me onto His lap and said it was ok. He is nowhere near as selfish as He likes to think He is. He just happens to take His responsibilities seriously.
Also I have come to believe that Mac and I prioritise differently. I believe in being there for Mac and Sarah Jane. They are my number one priority and catering to their emotional needs and well-being come first. But Mac believes in taking care of the substantial things first, food on the table, clothes on our back, and a roof over our heads, these are the important things that He sees. So by doing His job, He is taking care of me in His own way even though at times it is tough for me to see it that way.
I understand Him. I really do. But that doesn't mean that our needs always meet when we want them too.
The good thing is that they usually do get around to meeting at some time. I am hanging my hope on that for now.