Kneeling before Him...
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Saturday, September 29, 2007
I was a very stupid girl. Hangs head in shame. Really, Mac was not impressed with me last night. I put myself in a dangerous situation, one I didn't mean to put myself in, but a little bit of forethought and an earlier call to Him could have avoided. Except I didn't want to bother Him. Big mistake.
Yesterday, Sarah Jane and I went to the shops late. We were just going to grab a few ingredients I needed to go with dinner. I thought I had them in the cupboard, but apparently I didn't so I grabbed my purse, my phone and Sarah Jane and jumped into the car. It would only take me 20 minutes, 30 minutes at most.
So we raced into the shop and I grabbed what I needed. I strapped Sarah Jane back into her seat and I got into the car. I turned the key. Nothing happened. I turned it again just in case it had missed the first time. Nothing but the click of the key. I thought it maybe the battery but I had not left the lights on and even if I had, they would not have been on long enough. I tried again. Still nothing.
I got out of the car and looked around. There were plenty of people walking around so I opened the bonnet and looked at the engine, hoping it would give up some clue. It just looked kind of dirty to me. I waited looking lost, hoping someone would take pity on me. They did. A nice young man came over and asked if I was ok. I told him that my car wouldn't start. He looked at the engine and tried the key. Nothing. It was getting later. He twisted something on the engine and tried again. Still nothing.
He said it could be the battery. I told him I didn't think it was because it wasn't really off long enough for the battery to die. He said he could try and jump it, but of course my car was parked front into the parking space and there were cars both side of me and the car owners had not appeared. So I thanked him and called the roadside service company. They told me there would be a 45 minute wait. I grabbed Sarah Jane out of the car and went back inside to buy her nappies, wet cloths and something to eat. I had not brought anything with me.
After she was changed we went back to the car and sat down and waited. I fed her some of the strained fruit from a jar. We cleaned up again. She chewed on a bit of bread. We waited some more. Finally an hour later, just as it was starting to get dark and some of the shops had started to close, the service van arrived. He checked the charge on the battery. He tried to start it. Nothing.
"Alternator." He said.
I called Mac. He told me to get it towed to the nearest recommended mechanic and said that He would pick up Sarah Jane and me. Only thing was, He was an hour away. The service van driver called the towing service. Then he left. Suddenly it was just Sarah Jane and me and some unsavoury people milling about, the type of people you wouldn't ask for help. They had seen the service van there and seen that Sarah Jane and I were on our own. I started to get a little worried. I sat in the car with Sarah Jane and waited some more. The tow truck took about 30 minutes to arrive and left about 15 minutes after that. It was dark now. Everything was closed. There was nowhere left for Sarah Jane and me to go.
The next fifteen minutes standing there waiting for Mac were the longest fifteen minutes of my life. They were dealing drugs not twenty feet away from me and I was standing there with my purse, my groceries and my baby. I didn't even have her carriage. I didn't think I would need it. All I could do was stand there, out in the open where hopefully people would be watching should something happen. I was approached three times and asked if I had any spare money. Each time I casually said no, that I had spent it all on my shopping. I didn't dare pull out my phone. I was being watched and spoken about. I could hear them saying 'look at that cunt, thinks she is so good' and 'if that fucking kid don't shut up'. Sarah Jane was fussy. She did not think it was a lot of fun standing in the dark waiting for daddy. She was tired and cranky and wanted to be home. It probably didn't help that her mummy was afraid. She was probably picking up on that. I rocked her and hushed her and tried to get her to fall asleep. She wanted me to breast feed her. I couldn't do it. Not there like that.
When Mac arrived He sized up the situation in seconds. He saw the boys slink away, ducking their faces behind their hoods, hiding from the headlights of the car. He got out and grabbed the groceries while I strapped Sarah Jane into the car. I sat in the car and put on my seat belt and I covered my face with my hands and I cried. It was just tears of sheer utter relief. I knew Mac was angry, I knew it was at the situation I had put Sarah Jane and myself in, but He took pity on me because of the tears and He saved the lecture for later. I knew that I was not getting away with it.
So for now I am housebound unless Mac takes me somewhere. I don't think it will worry Mac that I can't go anywhere on my own for a while. He said I endangered both Sarah Jane and I and how dare I be so flippant with His family. I should have called Him as soon as I had car trouble. He would have headed home early. If He wasn't needed then it would all have been good. He can work from home. I know that. The thought of calling Him had crossed my mind, but I thought that He would be busy and I would be annoying Him. He told me He was disappointed that I thought that He would find our safety an annoyance. I was and am horribly ashamed. I tried to point out that we live in a nice neighbourhood, a relatively expensive neighbourhood where there are supposed to be no drugged out teenagers and violence. But apparently we also live in a place where there is not a lot for kids to do and a lot of parents don't get home until much later because they commute to their jobs to be able to afford to live here and bored teenage kids are becoming a problem. Bored teenage kids with money attract drug dealers. I didn't know. I didn't think. And that is what makes Mac angry. I just didn't think.
I am not being punished. Mac has accepted my apology and He knows that I will not do that again because next time He will not be so easy on me and also because I frightened myself horribly. So He has forgiven me. But I am not going to be allowed to go anywhere for a while without letting Him know where I am and when I will be home. He has told me to do that for my safety. He wants to make sure He knows what I am doing because I did not look after us.
But I have not forgiven myself. I put not only me, but my baby in that situation. I should have been more prepared, more careful. I had time to think through what was going on. I had time to feed Sarah Jane strained fruit! I should have called Mac as soon as something went wrong. I should have at the very least let Him know what was happening. I always speak of trusting Him in our relationship. I speak of knowing that Mac will always do the right thing by us. Yet when it came down to it, I took the choice away from Him. Instead of telling Him what was happening and letting Him choose what to do, I kept it to myself to protect Him from being annoyed. It is just so stupid when I think about it. He has never berated me for telling Him what I was doing. He likes knowing where I am and what is going on. There was no reason at all for me not to call Him. It is His part of the deal to take care of us.
I am kicking myself. I deserve to be kicked. I know better, damn it.
Shame on me.
I promise I will never do anything like that again.