Kneeling before Him...
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Friday, October 12, 2007
I had a conversation with Mac last night. It is not an unusual occurrence but the topic of the conversation was not your usual bedtime talk. I had been trying to write a blog before bed, but had given up as everything I wrote sounded snarky. I guess it was the mood I was in. So instead I was looking around blogger and I ended up at a site they recommended. It's called PostSecret. You can find it at postsecret.blogspot.com.
On it I found some very touching secrets, things that I connected with. I felt a lot of emotion in the things people had written there, jealousy, anger, sadness, love. One of the postcards stood out for me on which a girl had written that she submits to her boyfriends rape fantasies, because it is just make believe, right? I felt her uncertainty and I understood her fear. I have never had a boyfriend that expressed rape fantasies to me, but it would have scared me if I had. I don't know why it is ok for me to fantasise about being the victim of a rape but it is wrong for a man to fantasise about being the rapist. I mean, he might never act on it, just as I would never set myself up to be raped. Yet there is something sinister about it, something evil and wrong to want to hurt someone that way. It is different to fantasise about being the one that is hurt.
So when I climbed into bed, I told Mac what I had found. He frowned at me.
"You know," He said, "I think rape fantasies for women are normal but I would worry about a man who had them."
"That is the point of her card, she loves him, but she is very unsure that it is ok, that this is right. She is afraid. I felt for her." I said, laying my head on His chest.
"She is right to be afraid, don't you think?" He asked. "She is also guilty because she finds it hot. But she is a girl and most girls do."
"Most of us feel guilt about it too." I said.
Mac nodded. "But most girls are submissive and it's not "rape" they want. It's just the domination."
“Yes.” I agreed. Huge statement, I know, but I do agree with it.
"Now I am trying to think if I have ever fantasised about rape." Mac said thoughtfully. "I don't think so, although I guess with some of our sex there's a line that's not too wide."
I smiled. "Baby, you don't even like to force me in a fantasy. You always want me to tell you that I want it, that I want to go with some strange guy and do things. You always make me choose to do it."
"Yes." Mac said. "It's not that I have consciously thought "better not make this rape!" It just isn't that way."
I smiled and kissed His chest. He twisted his hand absently in my hair.
"God." He said. "Can you imagine a man saying to his girl, "I have a great idea, I will put on a phantom mask and you pretend to be 12!"
I ever so eloquently said "Ewwwww."
Mac had screwed up His nose. "God. You would worry wouldn't you?"
"Oh hell yes!" I said.
Mac sighed. "You are going to have to put up with boring old "you, slut, get your laughing gear round this."
I gave Him a look. "Laughing gear?" I shook my head.
He grinned. "Could be worse." He said. "Could be sturdy schooners and fragrant harbours."
I cringed. "Let's not go that far."
He nodded. "Let's not." He pulled me closer. "Smack in the mouth and a neck chain." He whispered. "Nice and simple. Innocent. Sweet."
"Innocent?" I asked. "Sweet?"
He shrugged. "Compared to a phantom mask and a rape it is."
Then He showed me just how sweet it can be.