Kneeling before Him...
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Sunday, December 16, 2007
Mac and I have hit the busy period. We have run into it head first at top speed and both ended up smack on our butts. It has not been pretty. We have both thrown up walls between us to protect ourselves and communication has had to filter through these walls and like a Chinese whisper it never comes out the way it was intended.
For example, sitting on the couch together for the first time in days I started to talk about one of my fondest memories of our time together, one of those quiet little times which mostly go unnoticed, yet mean so much. For me, I was sick and in a lot of pain and the pain medication would wear off in the early hours of the morning, at about 4am. I would get up to take the meds and when I came back, Mac would be awake. He would hold my hand and talk to me until the meds kicked in and I could go back to sleep. I know how much my Male likes His sleep and I know it was a hard for Him to wake every morning and miss out on that hour. But He did it, without me asking Him too, just to make it easier for me.
So last night, sitting there, I told Him this. He asked me if we had sex while we were awake. I told Him we had not and He asked if I was sure it was Him. That hurt me more than I was prepared to discuss with Him and I got up to walk away. Mac made me sit back down and then we argued. I asked Him what was wrong with me that He couldn't just love me. He said that I wasn't being fair. He told me I was wallowing in my own imagined short-comings and that He needed me not to do that. I told Him that all I was doing was trying hard to be loveable. I wanted to be close to Him. I was just trying to show Him that I loved and appreciated Him.
"Oh." He said. "And I was sidestepping like a Welsh fly half. Right?"
"Yes." I sighed.
He grinned. "Well you could have fucking said."
I frowned at Him. "So next time you want me to say that what I am saying is to make you feel loved and appreciated?"
He nodded at sheepishly.
"Doesn't that kind of defeat the purpose of saying it? I could just say, 'babe, you are loved and appreciated' and be done with it!"
"Well, sometimes, just sometimes, the radar is not as sharp as it could be when it comes to interpretation."
"Uh-huh." I said. "That fucking gearbox.". (Those of you that have been reading a long time will know the story.)
"Exactly!" He said.
And I kissed Him. He looked at me like I had done something amazing. So I kissed Him again. He pulled me onto His lap and He put His big, strong Male hands on my back, under my shirt and He held on to me. I rested my head against His chest between reaching up to kiss Him. We talked about inane things and went to bed a lot closer than we have been. The walls have come down quite a bit.
It is important to me that Mac knows that no matter how much He has to protect Himself from the pressures of the world, He doesn't have to protect Himself from me. My intention is not to hurt Him, but to help Him face the world each day, especially when it feels that He is under attack. I believe in Him. He told me a few days back that He is not a god or anything special. He is just a flawed human being like the rest of us. I know this. And I believe in Him. He will always be my One.
Sometimes in a relationship like ours, it is easy to forget that the support flows both ways.
But that is one of the best things about love.