Kneeling before Him...



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Sunday, December 09, 2007

This is just a short bits and pieces post.

First up the baby inside me is doing just fine. We are now past the 12 week mark and into the 2nd trimester and while I don't have a lot more energy, I do have some, and we are developing just as we should be. My iron levels are staying up. I obviously just need more sleep. If only I could squeeze some extra hours in at night, stretch the day into 26 hours. Of course then I would find better things to do with those two extra hours than sleep, so it is probably best that I can't.

Sarah Jane has started her career as a social butterfly, sitting in her carriage like she is a queen whenever we go anywhere. She likes going out better than any day where we are staying home, especially the days when Daddy comes with us. She knows she has that Man wrapped around her little finger and can con Him into picking her up with just the tiniest of threat of tears. I think that is as it should be.

Mac is working hard. I won't say too hard, because whatever else is going on, He thrives on being so busy. Sometimes it is hard for Him to stop. It is still something that I don't understand. I have no desire to succeed at anything other than being the best mum and wife I can be. My life, my career, my goals and ambitions revolve around my family. Job satisfaction comes when Sarah Jane puts her arms up for a cuddle and I know she feels safe when she is held by me. A promotion happens at every stage of their little lives. And even when they don't need me anymore, you can bet your boots that Mac still will. When I need some rest from my position, I can always let myself get lost in painting, when I know everyone else is comfortable, of course. That is enough for me. Good job it isn't enough for Mac, or we would starve.

And me. I am doing just fine. Still a little tired, but not as completely drained as I was. I am capable of lucid and sequential conversation, which I was having trouble with there for a while. I do catch myself talking out loud when no one else is around, but I have decided that I just do it because I forget Sarah Jane is sleeping. I am always talking to her, about anything and everything. She has been in on the whole thought process about buying new curtains and matching them to the existing decor or changing everything completely. She has taken in the pros and cons of sturdy fabrics versus fabric that falls right and she has put forth her opinions on bright colours over soft muted tones. So when I talk out loud to myself, it is simply because I have forgotten she is not there. I am not going insane. Other than that, everything is under control.

The other night when Mac and I were discussing the whore thing, about if I am one or not, He decided that what I really am is a slut. He said his definition of a slut is a sexy girl who lets men do what they want to her. ANYTHING they want. And by that definition, I am a slut. He says that the excitement for Him is not in what I do, but that I will do anything for Him, without hesitation. He has to be careful not to take advantage of that. Apparently it is tempting to take advantage of. I look at that definition and a part of me is thrilled, and a part of me is horrified. There are times that He makes me do things that I would never do by myself. I am inherently a good girl and He constantly takes me outside my good girl zone. I hate it and I love it and it turns me on. I ache for Him to do it to me again.

So slut or whore, He loves the way that I am.

I love that He loves me who I am, not for who I could be.

Posted by Sarah McBroden at 7:36 am

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