Kneeling before Him...
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Friday, January 11, 2008
I am still here! I am just mostly quiet because we, Mac and I have had a lot to sort through, a lot to work out. We have been doing this slowly, with lots of conversation and with lots of consideration. There were things said before Christmas that left us both a little hurt and a little defensive. I withdrew, He withdrew, and we both have carefully considered which paths we should take.
There has been a time where we did consider not being who we are, but for both of us, that is just inconceivable. I can't help but offer up my submission. Mac says that He cannot resist. We both realise that to continue this path together there are things that have to change between us. Concessions have to be made by both of us. Sarah Jane is getting older and more knowledgeable and at times she imitates what she sees. So some things that we have used to reconcile in the past are now not available to us while she is awake. Mac's work is becoming busier and He feels a lot of pressure on Him to excel. Sometimes we make plans, only to have them completely swept away by a sudden baby illness or a crisis at work. And other times, we find ourselves with unexpected time on our hands and we spend it falling in love and lust and finding satisfaction and contentment within each other again.
Underneath it all, below the submission, below the friendship, below the lust and adoration, there has always been this tremendous amount of love. I think that I am only just beginning to understand how vast and deep this love is. During this time when Mac and I have had difficulty communicating our needs and accommodating each other's goals for the future, I have been surprised to find that this love of ours is just so overwhelming that the thought of not being able to find a way to work together towards a goal is just impossible. We have to make it work because the alternative is just not an option for either of us.
So we kiss a lot and we talk a lot and through the tantrums and tears, through the frustration of two people trying to share a life, through the uncertainty that each step brings and even through the walls we build around ourselves to protect us from each other, neither of us would ever want to be anywhere else, but here.
I don't know if this makes any sense to anyone but me and that is enough, for now.