This is hard. Very hard. I feel as though I have let you all down. For years now I have been letting you all in on things that were going on in my life and this time I have shut you all out. Instead of writing, I have been looking for my answers elsewhere because I didn't want to look inside myself. I guess a part of me believed Mac would miss us so much that He would come home and I wouldn't have to make up my mind on what happens next. But He isn't coming home anytime soon. I know that He misses us. I hear it in His voice each time we talk. I see it in His face every time I show Him Sarah Jane. I am tearing Him apart. I feel so damn guilty. I should be stronger. I know there are doctors over there that would take fine care of my pregnancy and birth. I know that I would make friends, I would have people to help me out, I know people there for goodness sake. But something is holding me back. Every time I think I should just go to Him, I am filled with a sense of impending doom. My mother says trust the feeling. My sister says that I am so unhappy without him I should just go. My instinct says stay until the baby is born. Just stay home where it is safe. But then, how can it be home when He is not here?

So as you can see, I am still torn up about what to do. I make the decision to stay then I find myself checking flights. I decide I should go, but then I don't ask Mac's mum if she will take in the cats. I am living one moment to the next and it is rattling my nerves and upsetting Sarah Jane and I think she deserves so much better than this.

Military families do this without second thought, I know. But when I married Him, I was not marrying into the military. I expected a husband that would be at the dinner table most nights. I have always been a little afraid to be alone. I don't know why it scares me, but it does. I did live alone for a year while trying to get my life in some semblance of order, but then Mac came along and I felt like I would never be alone again. I want to go to Him so so much. But I am just so scared of what the consequences would be.

Mac tells me that all we need to do is get through the next couple of days. Then the next couple after that. Then the next. Then it will be May before we know it and we can make the real decisions after that. Just let it go for now and get through the next couple of days.

I am trying to do that.