Kneeling before Him...
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Thursday, March 27, 2008
I was about to write something artistic and airy here, something that tried to convey the deep satisfaction I feel from a simple action in as few words as possible when I read the comments on the last post and realised that it would just be meaningless gumph written in a feeble attempt to satisfy the readers here, which, despite what some people think, is not the purpose of my blog. Yes I can write artsy and gusty and with feeling and sometimes I can make you cringe and sometimes I can make you melt and sometimes I can make you feel what I am feeling, but that is not my purpose here.
It was claimed that I need you all more than you need me. I have never seen this relationship with my blog as a need. I have never thought of any of you as needing me. I may be arrogant (and yes, I admit that at times I am arrogant) but I was never arrogant enough to think that people out there, strangers, read my little piece of the human race puzzle and needed me.
Nor do I feel that I need you. I am not saying I don't love you. I do. I love my readers and sometimes, because I know how slack I have been of late, I come here especially to write for you, which is what the artistic airy writing would have been. I love you all and there are times when I feel that I should give you something, even if it is an airy fairy part of me, I should give that to you because you are waiting so patiently for me to come back from whichever crisis I have been lost in. Sometimes I do lose sight of what this place is for and sometimes I do need a good kick up the bum to remember. This is my place, the only other place in the world where I do not have to be afraid to be me.
If you read me, thank you. I do enjoy your company. Thank you for coming along for my own little ride through life. I hope you come back again. If you can feel some of what I write then I am glad that I can touch you in some way. It does bring me happiness that I can do something so simple as share what I feel and have others understand. Yes, sometimes my Husband is a selfish git that frustrates me beyond belief. Sometimes I could just wrap my hands around his neck and shake until He listens to me. But He is MY Husband, MY lover, MY love, MY heart, MY gorgeous darling Male whom I just utterly and totally adore, even when He isn't doing what I want Him to do.
And this may surprise some of you, but our family, well, I hate to admit this, but it's not just all about me. Some of you saw Mac as an ogre that left His pregnant wife behind while He was out having some sort of party time. Yes, I felt abandoned, but the truth is, I had every opportunity to go with Him. If He had a blog, maybe some of you would have seen me as the ogre that refused to support her husband's career. I don't bring in an income. I leave that up to Mac, and yet, when He made the choice He thought was financially best for His family, I refused to follow Him. Maybe, just maybe, He felt abandoned too. And maybe, just maybe, I hurt Him, though in truth, He would never tell you that. He had a really hard time even admitting it to me, and He only did that after it was over.
I am not weak, I am not helpless, and I am not the only victim here. I am not alone. I am part of a couple, of a family. Mac is a part of me and I am a part of Him. When we fall apart, the simple truth is both of us get hurt. I am just able to express it more freely then He can. It does not mean I hurt Him any less. I am the only person who knows how much I hurt Him. It saddens me that I could do that, just as it saddens Him that He could do it to me.
I am not saying that Mac was right for going overseas, but nor am I saying I was right by not going with Him. Maybe there was some compromise the both of us missed. Maybe we were both so caught up in what we wanted as individuals that for a while that we forgot that we are a family. I think in hindsight that both of us got it very wrong and now we are working together to rebuild what we had, because we are good together. We love each other. We adore each other. We want to be a family, so we have worked through the tough times in order to enjoy the good times again.
Because of this, I do not see my husband as a pig. I see Him more as an honourable man willing to put in the hard work to make things between us right. I am not sure why people think that I can do better than a man who wants to come home to me at the end of the day. Why they think I want something more than the man I absolutely and totally adore. I don’t get it, but if you can tell me why, without resorting to name calling and rudeness, I will certainly listen. I will listen and consider what you have to say. I believe you do have a right to your opinion on my life. I put it out here, in public where everyone can see it. But I do not set out to insult you with my writing and I do not see why I should have to put up with insults from anyone else. I used to. I would leave up all the rude and ugly things people had to say because I felt that I deserved it in some way. I don’t. No one here does. So read and pass judgement. Tell me why you hate what I write, or why I should live my life a different way, or why I should leave my husband, but do it without being rude, without being nasty, without resorting to calling of names. Because if you have to do any of those things, if you can't say it nicely, then maybe instead of commenting to me, you should take some time to think about why you need so badly to use your time and your words to try and hurt me. I don't think the problem is me.
Once again, thank you all for taking the time out of your day to read my little piece of the world. I do appreciate you stopping by. Mac, Sarah Jane, the new bump and I are all doing just fine. If possible, Mac and I are even more crazily in love, more appreciative of each other. Maybe we had to give up some of us to realise just how much we needed to be together.
Lesson well learned.
We are not letting go anytime soon.