Kneeling before Him...
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Wednesday, April 02, 2008
I wrote Mac an email this morning. I wrote it because before He left for work, we had sex. It wasn't just ordinary sex. It was mean, vicious, but bump safe sex, emotionally draining sex more than physically taxing. And then He had been late and in a hurry to get out, to try and make it in time for work.
I was thinking about Him, and us and what I was feeling and I thought that I should tell Him how it made me feel so I sat down and I wrote to Him. I left nothing out.
When it was done, it was filled with things like 'I love you' and 'You fill me with happiness,' and 'Even when you are not here with me, I still feel you inside me, a constant part of me.' Soppy, I know. Girly too. But it was the truth of what I was feeling and I felt it was very important that I tell Him. I thought that He should know.
And as I was about to hit send, the phone rang and I answered it. It was Him.
"Hello gorgeous." He said.
I smiled. "I was just emailing You!"
"Mmmm." He murmured. "That sex this morning. God. How hot was that?"
"Yes. It was very hot." I said, feeling myself blush. I suddenly felt silly. I was thinking about how much I adored Him and was about to tell Him so, and He was thinking how hot the sex was. I was glad I had not sent the email.
"Is that what you were emailing me about?" He asked.
"No." I said. "I am not going to send it. It doesn't matter."
"Send it." He said and I could almost hear the frown.
"Why?" I asked as I hit send.
"Send it now." He said.
"Ok. It's here. Let me read it."
"I shouldn't have written it." I said. "I should have written about the sex."
"Hush. I am reading."
I waited quietly on the end of the phone. I felt really foolish. I know that of late I have held back on the affection. I have rationed the emotion. I was trying not to overload Him because sometimes I know I can get too much, especially when I am feeling this close to Him. It scares me and I hold back thinking that if it scares me, it must scare Him too. Then I let my guard down and write something like this and I felt like I shouldn't have. I should have just stuck to the lust. I should have kept what I was feeling to myself.
"That is perfect." He said softly. "Sarah that is just what I wanted to hear. To know that I can do those things to you, say those things, have you say them and to know at the end of it all you feel like this, it makes the sex 100 times better. And it was pretty damn fucking good already."
And the foolishness was gone, just like that. It should never have been there to begin with. Just because He speaks of the sex, doesn't mean He isn't feeling what I am feeling. He just has a different way of saying it. I have to remember that He likes to hear that I love Him too.
"Babe?" I whispered when I realised it was ok to breathe.
"Sarah?" He said, just as quietly.
"I want more." I was hiding behind my hair, even though He couldn't see me. I know that He knew it.
"Me too." He said. "I am hard just thinking about it. When I get home tonight, I am going to have more. Aren't I?"
"Anything You want, Baby, it's Yours." I was smiling.
"God you are gorgeous. I just adore you." He said. "Now I have work to do. Shoo!"
"I love you." I said.
We were both grinning when we hung up the phone.
Sometimes you just have to take the risk and tell them what you really honestly feel.
It is worth it. It honestly is.