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Sunday, April 20, 2008
I have been sick with the flu for two weeks. It sucks big time. I was feeling much better last weekend then it somehow freshened up and the same symptoms happened all over again. Mostly I have been lying around doing nothing while my mum has done all the house work. I have been so tired. I have read so many books. I have napped with Sarah Jane who has not caught it. I have slept in Mac's arms and He has not caught it either. I am getting better now. It is good to be able to breathe without feeling like I am drawing air from underwater. Both my mum and Mac have been wonderful and supportive while I have been ill. I just want to say, if you know you are sick, stay away from pregnant women. Their bodies are already under a lot of strain and they can't take the same drugs that you can to alleviate the symptoms. It really has left me feeling drained.
Last night I was snuggled up with Mac watching a movie and the young women in the movie were swearing like they were men. It reminded me of a trip I took into the city recently. Mac had gone in early in the morning to work. I followed Him at lunch time. Sarah Jane has been having one night sleep overs at her nanna's in preparation for the arrival of the bump. As Mac was staying in the city, we thought it would be a good chance to have a nice dinner and a night in a nice hotel together. We had a lovely time. But the trip in I was in the middle of a train carriage. Three girls and two boys aged somewhere between 16 and 19 (guessing here!) were sitting at the end of the carriage. I can offer no reason why they thought the whole rest of the carriage wanted to hear about their plans for a party, why they hate their parents, where they were going when they got to the city and why the girl they were meeting was a skank, but they spoke at the TOP of their voices for the entire trip, screaming with laughter at things only they found funny and just generally being selfish and uncaring about the people that had to share the carriage with them. A request from another person in the carriage for them to keep it down was met with threats and bravado which made others roll their eyes. It was a relief to be away from them.
But what I remembered most was they were three pretty girls who thought that the word 'fuck' made them sound more sophisticated or something. It didn't. It made them sound cheap. Sure, I say it. I admit to using that word when I am made but you will never hear me say 'This fucking train is fucking slow.' And then there was the word 'cunt'. Again, I use the word to name a part of my body. I do not use it to say 'fucking show me the fucking message, you cunt'. And even when I am using it in the blog or during sex talk with Mac, sometimes He will put a total ban on it because He feels I am using it too much. It is a powerful word that should be used for its shock value in bed, not because you are annoyed with one of your friends. Overuse of it makes it just another word. If it is banned for a few weeks, it goes back to being a dirty word for erotic purposes. "Stick it in my cunt, please?" Mmmmm.
I wish someone would tell the young women of today that swearing in public doesn't make you cool. It just makes you look like you don't have a big enough vocabulary to express yourself. Read some books, expand your world and you will discover that swearing for the sake of it just makes you look uneducated. You should strive to improve yourself, not sink to the level of the local thugs. They are not cool either. Most of them are heading for an early grave. Is that really who you want to be like?
The bump is apparently developing nicely according to the doctor. My flu has not affected the bump at all that we can tell. It has gone on growing properly and the rest I have been getting is probably doing me good. I am a little concerned about Sarah Jane as I am sure Daddy's Little Princess is about to get her nose put out of joint when she has to share us with a squalling mass of blankets. I was discussing this with my mum and dad as Sarah Jane dragged one of her baby dolls around the family room by the hair. My dad said that as long as the baby was born with a lot of hair, Sarah Jane will be able to show the baby around. Mental note to self: Always make sure the baby is out of Sarah Jane’s reach when you are not watching them.
I had an epiphany the other day. At least it felt like an epiphany to me. I was all snuggled up on the couch by myself. Mum was off in the kitchen making a nice thick stew for dinner and Sarah Jane was upstairs taking a nap. I had the television turned off because it was making my head ache and I was just sitting, my hands in my lap, thinking about Mac, when suddenly I realised that He was a part of me. I don’t mean just a part of my heart or a part of my soul, but, I could feel Him inside me, living, breathing, His heart beating. He wasn't just a part of me. He was alive in me. I realised that no matter what is in store for us in the future and I am sure there is a hell of a lot we have not even imagined could happen, Mac will always be there, right inside me, guiding me, loving me, protecting me. If I just think about it, I can find Him there. It feels warm and beautiful and safe.
I told Mac about it when He got home. I told Him because I promised myself that I won't protect myself from Him. He put His arms around me. He kissed me on the lips, on my eyes and on the tip of my nose and said He understood exactly what I meant. I knew then that right now, we are in sync. These are always the best of times.
"Say it?" He asked.
"I love you." I said.
"Yes, but say the other thing."
"Yes. I love the way you say that."
"I love you endlessly."
You are most welcome, Babe.