Kneeling before Him...
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Saturday, May 03, 2008
Sometimes, even when we think we have talked something out,we both hold things back and that leads to trouble.
Mac came home last thursday and told me he had gotten a call from a friend. Some of 'the guys' were going to a cabin for some 'fishing' for the weekend. (None of them own fishing gear. They really go to play poker and drink a lot of alcohol.) It was late notice, but that is the way they always do it. They are never big on planning. I have been sick and Mac has been busy at work, so there has not been a lot of us time and Mac said He was not going away because I needed Him.
I guess it came from not wanting to be selfish, I pushed the point. I didn't want Mac not to go because of me. I told Him that I didn't need Him. I have had lots of people around to help me. He should go if that is what He wanted. He said again that He wouldn't go because I wanted Him around. I told Him that me wanting Him here was not a good enough reason not to go if He wanted to go. I told Him that He should do what He wanted to do.
He said OK. He would go.
And He went. He had a good time. He came home dishevelled, tired but somewhat content. Alcohol and poker with just the guys is a good cure for stress. He showered and He came to sit with me. I was happy to have Him home. He held me and told me some funny stories that the guys had shared. I laughed with Him. Then He asked me what was wrong. I was surprised that He could feel it. He asked if it was because He had been out and about while I had been stuck at home again. I told Him it wasn't that. I was happy that He got to go. Then I asked Him not to be angry or upset at me if I told Him the truth. He said that He would not be angry.
So I told Him the silly truth, that I had not really wanted Him to go. I had just wanted Him to not want to go. But then He had said He wanted to go, and I wanted Him to have what He wanted. He seemed surprised. He said that He had told me He didn't want to go, but I had pushed Him into it. I said that what I had heard Him say was that He wanted to go, but wouldn't because of me. I had not wanted Him missing out because of me. He smiled and held me tight. He said He honestly would not have minded if He had not gone. He would have liked spending time with me. He had wanted to be with me. He figured when I kept pushing, that I didn't want to spend time with Him. I sighed. He kissed me.
He said it is ok to have missed out on a weekend together because we didn't say what was really on our minds. We have a long time to be together and next time we would take more care with what we said. We both learned a lesson from this.
This weekend we are spending it together. I am still not 100% so we are staying in, playing with Sarah Jane, taking it easy. It is nice. I still like being around Him.
I hope that never changes.