Kneeling before Him...
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Wednesday, August 27, 2008
We have just come through what has been a difficult week. Mac was busy with work and my emotions were all over the place. One minute I was laughing, the next I would be in tears, over nothing in particular, just silly things. I warned Mac that I might not be doing well when I cried at an advertisement on television. I was taking everything on board.
He tried very hard to smile it off when I lost it. He tried to be understanding and gentle no matter how out of control I got. He walked it off when I told Him it was His fault and the strange thing was, all I was really trying to say was "hold me, please?" But instead of just asking for Him to hold me, I told Him that He didn't hold me enough. Instead of telling Him I needed some affection, I accused Him of withholding it. I made it hard for Him to love me when I needed it the most.
I knew what I was doing wrong, even as the words came out of my mouth. I knew that I had hurt Him and that was the last thing, the absolute last thing I wanted to do. So why couldn't I stop myself? Why was I being so difficult? I don't really know, though I have asked myself that question many times. I don’t know why I suddenly threw up walls and decided I needed to protect myself from Mac. We were getting along so closely. We were so intimately entwined. This time it was me that couldn’t handle it and took a step back. It is strange how I can do that. Push Him away when I need Him to be closer.
I think in the end, even though He got hurt, He realized that I was not in control of what I was doing. He decided to forgive me and put aside what I had said. It took us a little while to find each other again. A few games of scrabble to make us friends, a few make out sessions to make us lovers, some intimate conversation, whispered secrets, shared lusts to entwine us again and we were ok. Then we were better than ok. We reached another level of understand between each other. He told me that He wanted it all, all the love and all the lust I have to give Him. He wants me to hold nothing back. He reminded me that over the last six years we have learnt so much about each other, more than we thought possible. And He told me that we have only just started on our journey together. We are still at the beginning anticipating what comes next but in no hurry to race there. And I remembered that I go to bed every night feeling warm and complete and I wake each day excited with what is to come.
I am not going to say that the difficulty was what we needed to find ourselves even closer. I think we would have gotten there even if we had not fought. Sometimes though, the road is not smooth and you have to know you have the strength to come back together, that a few misplaced words won't create a gap that is too big to bridge. Mac and I know that sometimes both of us can be careless and at times carelessness can hurt even though there was no intention. We both can forgive and put it behind us.
And we don't let it stop us from being close again.