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Wednesday, August 13, 2008
What I did mean by last feed for the night, was the last feed before I get into bed. I feed Nicholas and do my best to get to bed pretty soon afterwards, or I find that just as I am falling off to sleep, darling little Nicholas is waking up for another feed. Seriously, those few hours between feeds go so fast that if I don't get the sleep when I can, I miss out on it completely. Not only is Nicholas not sleeping through the night, but my nocturnal wanderings to and from his room sometimes disturb the baby girl who then wants reassurance that everything is ok before she will settle down too. A quick cuddle is usually all that is required, but let me just say that at 3am, even that can sometimes seem like a huge ask. I find that the time spent with Mac makes all the difference because it revitalises me. It fills me up with love to share.
I admit I often find it odd that people like to find little tiny things that make them believe that what I say is not true. I have never minded when people did not believe me. It is their choice to read what I say and as some people have said, even though they don't believe it, they enjoy reading here. But to use a small turn of phrase to 'prove' that what I am saying isn't true, well I just wonder why that is so important. Believe me, or don't. I have nothing to prove so I am not going to help you out.
Things around here have been a little unusual of late. I guess I have had a lot less time to dwell on the 'me' of things. I have been accused of being self-centred here before and I agreed both then and now. I am self-centred on my blog. After all, it is all about me. But lately I just haven't had time to dwell on my own short-comings and despair about why Mac didn't react the way I wanted Him to, or beat myself up over some wall I have put between us. Perhaps I used to have too much time on my hands. I can hardly even remember what I did before the children filled my life. What did I do with all those hours that just fly past now? Whatever it was, it could not possibly have filled me the way it does now. I sometimes think I was made to be a mother. Everything I did was leading up to this. All the soul searching, the questioning, the need to understand Mac inside and out, the need to understand me, my moods and dreams and my desires and ambitions, all of it, was preparing me to be the best mother I know how to be. I feel so secure. I know who I am.
I love my husband. He allowed me to step into the light and shine.
I love my children. They are the very best of us both.
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