Kneeling before Him...
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Saturday, December 06, 2008
Lately I know what I want to say, yet I have a lot of trouble expressing it. I am blaming it on the medication. It makes me drowsy and it is much harder to concentrate. It is almost like there is a wall between my mind and my fingers, or even my mind and my mouth. I am having trouble expressing myself with Mac too. I can't even begin to count the number of misunderstandings that have happened because my mouth is working without my brain as back up, and my brain means much different things then what is coming out of my mouth. The bright side is that I realise when I have said the wrong thing and sometimes I manage to correct it before I get the look. Sometimes Mac knows I didn't mean it because I slip into a submissive pose to let Him see it wasn't meant. And sometimes we just stumble through until we find each other again. We always manage to make our way back.
Still, I did want to address the second last comment made on the last blog entry. This one "Anyone who likes being humiliated and treated like shit is here because of low self esteem issues-otherwise i have found alot of subs/ and slaves ARE strong."
It made me smile a little when I read it. I am not sure how liking being humiliated and treated like shit means you have low self-esteem. I didn't say I deserved it. I think if you believed that you deserved to be treated this way, you might have low self-esteem but if it just makes your pussy throb unbelievably hard and your tits ache with lust, well maybe it is just a fetish, something two consenting adults can use and abuse for their pleasure. It made me forget about my whining and whinging and made me focus my needs on Mac. It worked quite well. It doesn't always go swimmingly. There are times that I will arc up and instead of submitting I will scowl and call Him names and at those times, the sex is unbelievably hot too. God knows angry sex can be damn hot. Does angry sex indicate someone's level of esteem too?
And if it does, what do rape fantasies indicate about a person's mental state?
Sometimes I think we are so quick to want to fix things we believe are broken without even checking if they are. I am not broken. My self-esteem is fine. I mean, I often write about how damn fine my life is to the point where I am accused of being self absorbed! I happen to think that since I have become a mummy, I have come into my own in the self-esteem ranks. I am really good at this mummy business. And I adore it. I was made to be a mother. Just as I was made to be submissive to my Husband. I am not saying I am a super-mum because I know there are women out there doing much more than I am on their own, while I don't hold down a job and I have help, but I am there for the tantrums and tears, teething and potty training, dirty nappies, night feeds, bad dreams, fevers, scraped knees, missed steps, as well as the cuddles and the sloppy kisses, story time and block building, all three of us crashing out on the couch at nap time. I love it. It just feels right.
Low self esteem? Nah. No lower than the next persons, but boy, when you have me on my knees, slap me and call me bad names and I will suck harder than a mosquito.
Mac calls me a strange creature and He wouldn't want me to be any other way.