Kneeling before Him...
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Wednesday, February 25, 2009
"You will do it." He said. "I told you that I want you to do it, and that is all you need to know."
She looked up at him from her submissive position. She was naked, vulnerable, on her knees with no way to protect herself, but she had decided she wouldn't give in. This time she knew she wouldn't give in. He couldn't make her do something she really didn't want to do.
"No." she said, clearly and loudly. "I will not do it. You cannot make me do it. This is my choice, my body, my mouth. You can't make me. You can't." She was not upset. She was not angry. She was just being honest with him. He had told her that it was all she had to be.
"You fucking little bitch." He spat. "How fucking dare you. Do you think you get a choice about when you submit and when you don't? It's not your choice, bitch. It's my choice. And I have decided you will do it, so open your fucking mouth and get on with it, NOW."
"No." she said again, but this time her voice trembled. She knew he was part right. She shouldn't have a choice about when she submits and when she doesn't. She made a choice to submit to him and here she was fighting him. But this was something she didn't want to do. She had a good reason to not want to do it. She didn’t believe it didn't bother him. She knew it DID bother him. Doing this would make him lose respect in her, even though he was the one telling her to do it. He had told her he wouldn't kiss her after she had done it. He would not want her mouth anywhere near him. How could he respect her for what he wanted her to do when he could not touch her after it was done?
He slapped her. He slapped her hard and then harder. Tears sprung immediately to her eyes. She sucked in a breath and blew it out slowly so she didn't sob. She needed to sob. She wouldn't let him see it. Not now. No.
"Do as you are fucking told, slut." He said. His voice was threatening. It was a voice she had heard him use before and she had always caved into it. She had always been scared of what came next.
"Do you think you can beat me into it? Do you think that making me too scared not to is the right thing to do?" She let the tears run down her cheeks. She wanted him to understand what he was doing.
He looked at her, studied her almost. She didn't lower her eyes.
"You are right." He finally said. He sighed. "I can't beat you into this. But I want you to know that you misunderstood me. You are not going to lose my respect for you if you do this. In fact I find it disgustingly hot. I find you disgustingly hot when you do these dirty things for me."
He got down on his knees in front of her. He put himself on her level. He took her hands in his and he rubbed his thumbs across the back of her hands.
"Beautiful girl," he said softly. "My beautiful girl." He leaned forward and he kissed her.
She wanted to fight him. She really really did, but she felt herself melting with his lips on hers. She felt herself giving in. He pulled away from her and she couldn't help it. She started to cry.
"Shhh." He whispered and he pulled her to him "It's ok. You don't have to. We won't do it."
"But I do have to." She sobbed. "You want it, I have to do it. I can't help it. I have to."
He chuckled, a deep throaty sound. She loved that sound. She had heard it many times and yet she hadn't heard it enough.
"I am confused." He grinned. "First we were fighting because I told you to do it, and now we are fighting because I am telling you not to?"
She smiled too. "I don't want to do it." She said. "But if you want me to do it, I will do it for you."
"That should be enough." He said. "It should be. Normally it would be. But this time, this time I want you to do it. I want to watch you do something you hate just to please me."
"What if I hate you for it?" she asked. She thought it was a reasonable question.
"It is a risk, but I think it is a small risk, don't you? I am willing to take that risk."
"What if I hate me for it?" She knew that was a reasonable question.
"Is it possible for you to hate what is mine, princess? Is it really possible?"
"I hate you." She said. She smiled. He smiled too.
He stood up and looked at her. "So you really don't want to do this?"
"I really don't." She said.
"Good job it is my choice, babygirl." He slapped her. "And I don't give a fuck what you want." He said and he grabbed her hair and dragged her across the floor.
I am not saying that this happened between Mac and me. It didn't. Our conversation was somewhat different, but He did say this to me:
"Our sex is about arrogance and selfishness and more than a little cruelty...but a lot more than a little love and tenderness and ....us."
He meant the same thing I did. He just used less words.