Kneeling before Him...
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my scratching post
Sunday, March 08, 2009
I have been writing. I have been writing a lot. I have 12 pages written of a story which I am not sure is any good, but it is just spilling out of me so I just keep writing. I haven't stopped to read it yet. I can never get distance from something I am writing while I am writing it. Once it is done, I need to leave it for a few days so I can see it objectively.
And then I have to get Mac to read it of course.
If it passes through that without me cringing away from it or Mac cringing away from it, it might end up on the blog, but I am not sure about it yet. It is not a love story, or a nice story. It is deeply disturbing and darkly sexual. I guess that is what is in me right now. Well, that is in me often. I have a deeply disturbing and darkly sexual side to me, though Mac assures me it is not as unusual and exotic as I think it is. He feels that lots of women, if not most of them have a deeply disturbing dark sexual side to them. Most of them just don't get to tell anyone about it.
Sometimes I get to tell the blog and you all get to read about it. Sometimes I just tell Mac and he gets to use it against me. When I have a dark thought, a dirty thought, a thought that makes me cringe, I have someone to tell me it doesn't make me a bad person to have those thoughts and it usually just makes Him want to fuck me. I am lucky like that. I certainly don't think I am as much as a freak as I used to think I was, but still, sometimes I have trouble putting it out here, where anyone can read it. That doubt, that maybe I am some deeply perverted dirty girl is still there, just under the surface. Scratch me and it comes out.
So a lot of the time, I write it, and Mac reads it, and he gets the final say.
I know that He will stop me from getting scratched.
I need to get back to it. It is aching to get out of me.
It feels like I don't have a choice.