Kneeling before Him...
Creative Commons License.
Cunning Linguists Journals
Yes Master BDSM Bedtime Stories Toplist
BDSM is Love
danae Within Reality
Daze Reader Sex News Blog
ErosBlog: The Sex Blog
Gloria's Oversexed Mind
Mistress Matisse's Journal
my scratching post
Friday, March 13, 2009
I write out the dark stuff. I write it out, clean it up, read it. If I like it enough, if I am comfortable enough, I send it to Mac to read. He decides what to do with it. I guess it is kind of good for me like that. I tell Him and then what happens with it is out of my hands.
I say that I guess that is a good thing for me, because sometimes Mac will use it against me and sometimes that is really hard for me. I have had some bad reactions to my own dark fantasies being brought up during sex. The absolute worst reaction happened at the end of last year.
He guessed something from an email I sent to Him while He was at work. I thought I was pretty sneaky about it. It was certainly not obvious. But Mac knows me. He knows my tendency to use metaphors in stories, so He guessed, and He asked if that was it. It was something I never thought I would ever, ever tell anyone. Not a single soul. It was something I was sure I would take to my grave because it repulsed me. It still does, and yet, it is my most common fantasy. When I am masturbating, this is usually the thought that works for me. I could not even imagine telling Him. I didn't even want to admit He had it right, but, when it came down to it, I couldn't lie to Him.
We exchanged a few emails back and forth about it. It got pretty hot and I might have been a little breathless at being so disgustingly dirty and admitting to such vile things. I wanted Him home from work, but I also dreaded it. I knew it had made Him hot too and I knew I would have to face Him and He would ask me about it without the computer screen to hide behind. I was going to have to admit it out loud.
He came home that night and we had a very sane family evening, dinner, play time with Sarah Jane while Nicholas went down for the night, then reading time and bed time for Sarah Jane. Very normal family time, but I was very on edge. Mac kept smiling at me, enjoying my discomfort. When the children were both sleeping, we sat on the couch together. He was very gentle with me, letting me snuggle up and rest against Him. I was still on edge, waiting for it and He drew it out, knowing it was driving me crazy.
He decided when it was time for bed and we went up together and did all the get ready for bed stuff, checking the babies, washing of faces, brushing of teeth. When we went into the bedroom He told me to undress and kneel. He undressed and He was already hard. I knew He was thinking about it. He stood in front of me and grabbed my hair. He put His cock into my mouth. He has done that many times. I sucked it. He used my hair to rock me back and forth. I was groaning and slobbering on Him. He seemed to be enjoying it. I was enjoying it.
Then He said it. I can't say what it was He said, I am not ready to publically admit to it, but it really wasn't half as bad as what we had discussed in email. But this time, for the first time ever, I could really feel it. It was more real than just imagining it. I reacted violently. I pushed Him away. I called Him a prick. I got up and walked out.
I think Mac was too stunned to react or He would have stopped me. I went into the bathroom and shut the door. I stood in there for a few moments and then I realised how stupid my reaction had been. Before I could think about it too hard, which would have made it too hard for me to go back, I opened the door and went back into the bedroom. Mac had just started to come and find me.
"Are you ok?" He asked.
"Hush?" I pleaded and I got back on my knees. His cock had started to soften but it didn't take me long before I had Him hard again.
He looked down at me, His cock in my mouth. "Don't think you are getting away with that shit." He said. Then He said that thing to me again. I shuddered violently but Mac grabbed my hair and wasn't going to let go. Then He got dirtier.
It was disgusting, but my fingers ended up between my legs as I sucked him. I came violently. So did Mac.
Then He pulled me up off the floor and He held onto me. He asked if I was ok and He asked what had happened. I explained to Him that I really couldn't explain what had happened. It was just a reaction, a very physical reaction to Him saying what He said.
He told me that He was sorry, but when I came back, He felt that letting it go, not bringing it back up would make it worse than making me face it. I think He was right. I still do have a reaction when He decides to use it against me. I am still repulsed by it, especially when He says it, but I don’t stop sucking or fucking Him. I let it arouse me. I can say it out loud to Him, during sex. I can even sometimes admit that I want it, beg Him for it. It took a long time, but sometimes I can do it.
That was the absolute worst reaction I have had to a dark admission. Mac has always been very careful with me when He has used something like this with me. He has always held me afterwards and told me how much He loves me, how much He lusts my lusts, how much I turn Him on and how I always make Him come harder than any lover He had before me. He lets me know that even though I might be disgusted by my own dark fantasies, He is never disgusted in me. He has never rejected me for anything I have told Him. I hope He never will.
He tells me all the time that He is certain that our sex will become more depraved through the years and whenever He says it, I get the feeling from Him that He is quite looking forward to it. I think He really enjoys discovering these nasty dirty little things about His sweet little wife.
So when I need to deal with a deep dark thing inside of me, I write it down. I show Him without having to say it out loud. I send it to Him while He is at work. I prefer not to see His immediate reaction, just in case it is bad. He has time to be gentle if He needs to let me know nicely that I am a sick freak. It gives us kind of a buffer zone. I don't think He has ever needed it. He has certainly never politely rejected me. I think Mac has discovered the most about me through the things I have written for Him.
And the funniest thing about it is that we really came across writing as a form of communication between us accidently. We never set out for it to be that way. He certainly never even suggested I should do it. He just wasn't with me one day when we were first together and I wanted to tell Him that I was thinking about Him and what I was thinking about Him and instead of saying it straight out, I put it into a story and made it happen between two other people. He saw it for what it was and He wrote back, "That was the most erotic thing I have ever read, Sarah. Please write more for me?" I couldn't refuse that.
Sometimes we do move away from writing to each other. The pressures of work and the children, life, can get in the way of not only writing, but also in being sexual with each other. We have just been through a period like that. I am writing this blog after just writing a quick story for Mac, one He suggested to me in email when He had a moment at work today. He gave me the outline and told me what He wanted from me. I had to tell Him what happened next, what I wanted to happen next, the things that would absolutely turn me on. He said that we should never forget how sexual we are with each other. I agreed. We shouldn't. It is an important part of who we are. So I wrote it and sent it to Him. He got it while He was in a meeting.
His reply was just "Gorgeous." I smiled wondering what the other people in the meeting thought He was looking at. With any luck, He didn't have to stand up for a while after reading it.
I hope He makes me read it out loud to Him, tonight.
I am ready to fall in lust with Him again.