Kneeling before Him...
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Monday, March 02, 2009
Mac called on Saturday morning. He went away Thursday evening and He isn't back yet. He should be here any time now. I know He is on His way. But on Saturday morning while He was in another country, on another continent, He called me, because He missed me and because He knew I would be missing Him.
It started out as a good conversation, a loving conversation, a sexy conversation. We talked about me fucking other men, of me enjoying being fucked by other men. It makes Mac horribly jealous and fills Him with lust. He says it is jealous lust and it wouldn’t be quite so hot if it didn’t hurt, which just stuns me, because if He does it to me, I want to stab someone. He just wants to fuck me.
So it started out that way, and then we were whispering to each other, cute things and sweet things which I won't repeat because Mac will blush and deny them. We were very much in love, very comfortable with each other. We have done so well, staying close, even while we have had little time for each other, so it was a surprise when our conversation took a turn that made me feel alone.
It started because I had gone quiet. I was just listening to Him talk. It didn't really matter what He was talking about. He could have been reading the dictionary for all I cared. I just wanted to hear Him talk.
And He asked why I was being quiet. He asked if I was being a good girl. I told Him I am always a good girl and that I was listening to him and imagining being kissed. In typical Male fashion He completely missed the romance of the situation and asked who I was imagining being kissed by. He asked if it was HIM.
I think that readers here would know about my HIM, but just in case I have forgotten to mention HIM, I will give everyone a little background. HE is the Big Bad Dark Dom who I have always imagined was around. From the time I was a little girl HE has been with me. He protected me from a rampaging mother, and forgave me when she told me I was such a bad girl. HE would punish me HIMSELF at times. HE would punish me with painful dirty sex and then always hold me afterwards. Sometimes, when I need HIM, HE is still there for me. But HE is imaginary. Always has been.
I told Mac He would be disappointed if I told Him the identity of my imaginary kisser, because of the sexual discussion we had just finished. He guessed then that the kisser was Himself. He suggested that Mac was really the same as HIM and I told Mac there were some differences. Our conversation went on, about HIM and Mac and eventually Mac said that perhaps HE, that Big Bad Dark Dom was my One. That I had just settled for Mac because the perfect man for me didn't exist. I told Him that was sad, a very sad thought. He said that it might be sad, but there was a grain of truth in it. And the saddest thing was, now that He had said it, it was there, planted in my mind and I couldn't think around it. It became a wall I was bashing myself against. We discussed it a little while longer, not reaching any conclusion, or disproving this new theory, and I could feel the distance between us. We were both rather subdued when we said goodbye.
As always, when these things happen, Mac can process these things straight away. He has probably not given it any thought, other than accepting it is what it is and moving on. Me on the other hand, I need space and time to go over and over it. I need to be able to process it in my own time. He often says to me "go have a bath and think what you need to think, and come back and talk to me when you have it sorted out."
You see, the thing is, I have never felt that I settled for Mac. I do have this imaginary BBDD who I do use when I need to, for fantasies, for safety when I need it, to remind me to be kind to myself. But that imaginary BBDD is me. I know that. I know that there is no such thing as perfection, and I have never sought out the perfect man. If Mac was perfect, imagine the things we would have missed out on. We would not have had the chance to grow together. And as much as I hate to admit this(and don't anyone tell Mac this) but sometimes it is good for me not to get everything I want. It reminds me to appreciate the things I do have so much more.
And no matter how much I have thought about it, I have never thought, not even for a second, that I settled for Mac. I settled for my former boyfriend, who I met at the same time I met Mac, because at that time Mac was with another girl. I settled for the next guy because Mac told me He couldn't love me. I settled for the last guy because Mac went away. Then I stopped settling for other men for a while and was on my own. I did this because I needed to be on my own for a while and when I look back on that time now, I realise I was just readying myself for Mac. When He came back into my life, I was prepared to settle for being His friend if it was the only way I could keep Him in my life. Then He took me as His and for the first time in my life, I didn't have to settle. I had what I wanted and what I needed. I once tried to explain to Mac that it was like He switched off all the voices in my head that were telling me that I wasn't worth it. When I was His, I found peace.
And sure there are times that we get it wrong. There are times when I need more from Mac than He realises. There are times when He needs things from me, that I just misunderstand, or don't have the energy to give. We are not perfect. We are far from perfect, but we have grown together, we will continue to grow together and as long as He continues to want to grow closer to me, then He will be my idea of the perfect Man for me. He will be my One.
Actually, I have a feeling He will be my One even if He decides He doesn't want to be anymore.
I didn't pick Him. I didn't set out to make Him my One. It just was. It just always will be.
I can hardly wait for my One to be home.