Kneeling before Him...
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Tuesday, June 09, 2009
I keep having this dream, well, a day dream, a fantasy, which has ended up in my dreams. Sometimes I feel so vulnerable, so unprepared for the things life throws at me that I want to retreat into submissiveness, I want to use it to shield me from things. I can't of course. I have to face the world like every grown up living in the world. I have to stand up to it, smack it when it needs smacking, yell at it when it needs yelling at and clean up after it when it makes a mess. I can't hide from my responsibilities or from the bad bits of life.
I can however, find security and strength within submissive fantasies. I can use them to remind me that when life throws up on me, I can handle it.
So this dream, day dream, fantasy I have when things get tough is very sweet and very simple. It involves me being beneath Mac, on my tummy, pressed between the mattress and His stomach. He is loving me, His cock is inside me, my muscles squeezing on it while He kisses and licks and bites my shoulders. I can barely breathe beneath Him, I know that from experience, but it never seems to matter. What matters is pleasing Him, pleasuring Him while He has me cocooned, protected by His body. I think about it during the day when I need to calm myself and it sneaks into my dreams at night when I have had a particularly rough day.
And when the day leaves me feeling completely out of control, when I reach the end of what I think I can deal with, He will put me on my knees and tell me to stay there quietly until He has time to calm me. He knows this act alone is calming enough, but He will use me as well, because He enjoys using me. I enjoy Him using me. Pleasing Him restores the balance for me.
It doesn't have to be complicated. It doesn't have to be rough or painful. It doesn't even really have to be sex. All it has to be is submissive.
I guess in a way, my submissiveness is the blanket I use to keep myself sane.
It works well, for me.