Mac is home safe and there is a slight distance between us. Mac says He feels it too but it is ok, He can wait me out, because I always come back to Him. I am not quite sure it is just me. I feel distance from Him too, but I am never sure if it is a reaction to how I am acting, or if I am reacting to Him. It can quickly spiral like that. The trick is to stop it, to stop reacting and start loving Him properly again.

When it is like this, I often wonder what the point is. What is the point of not loving Him the best I can? Isn't that like trying to be half happy? If I am going to love Him, it seems sensible to love Him with everything I have, to express it every way I can, to show Him and tell Him that I love Him and give myself to Him.

I can't figure out how to get close to Him. Of course I have to wait until He is open to it too. And as usual, when He gets back from a week away, He is a week behind in His work so He is stressed as well. There will come a time when it becomes too hard to hold it in and then we will find each other again. Trying to force it just puts us both on edge. You can't force love.

So for now we are in a nice holding pattern. We kiss lots. He holds me lots. We have sex lots. We enjoy each other but it is without the mad driven passion we feel so often. One day, when we are not looking for it, it will be there again and we will embrace it with everything we have.

Every day is still an adventure with Him.