Kneeling before Him...



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Wednesday, August 19, 2009

I am sorry. I know I have been gone a long time again. I had some minor surgery on my foot. It would not be a big deal, except I can't put any weight on it at all so I am feeling a little trapped right now. I have to hop on crutches even moving about the house. It is easier not to move much. I have been this way for 4 weeks now. I have 4 more to go. Then I start physiotherapy. Yay.

Mac has been great. He has been very supportive, holding me through the worst of the pain and letting me be His little girl when I needed to be and making me laugh when I let things get on top of me. He has had to go away with work now. It was unavoidable. He could not get out of it. I didn't want Him to get out of it either. His world outside of me shouldn't be put on hold because of me. We have had family looking after me and Sarah Jane and Nicholas anyway. So He went away for work, on Sunday night.

And we did that thing we always do, the withdrawing from each other for the whole week before He left. We kept ourselves at a distance from each other, because neither of us wanted to be vulnerable. Then yesterday, one day into His being away, I was cleaning up my phone when I discovered some old messages from Mac, from when we started the 'adore and submit' times. The messages said He loved it and He asked if I realised that He was going to keep me forever. It made me remember how much those times meant to us and how when I had withdrawn I had taken it away from us. It made me feel sad that I had done it and sad that Mac had also let it go.

So I emailed Him and I told Him about the messages and how much I had missed it. He replied that He had missed it to and when we talked, we talked about remembering that I need that time, even if it is just sitting here on the couch, to close my eyes and take some deep breaths and remember that I am His. We agreed on the timetable for this to happen, so when it does, He knows that right then, I am taking time out just to belong to Him and I know He is thinking of me.

And it works. It honestly does. I was seeing a counsellor for pain management before the surgery. (I can't get to her office now. Too many stairs. I will go back once I can put weight on my foot again.) We have been practicing visualisation. I take time everyday to see my injury healing. There have been studies done and this apparently aids in the healing process. Our brains are powerful things. By using my brain to see Mac and I together, the ache of Him being gone is easier to handle. When I imagine us together, my brain gets a dose of the same hormones that are released when we are together. It makes me feel good.

So Mac will be back in a week and instead of being anxious about Him being gone, I am looking forward to Him coming home so I can do some of the things I imagine us doing. (Mostly kissing. Kissing is just so good.) I don't think we will have that awkward emotionally withdrawn period that we usually go through when He gets here. If I could, when I knew He was coming, I would kneel on the floor naked and wait for Him. But because I can't, I will just tell Him it is where I want to be and when I look at Him, He will know.

That will be enough until I can.

Posted by Sarah McBroden at 12:08 am

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