Kneeling before Him...
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Saturday, August 29, 2009
I would love to tell you all that it worked, that Mac and I managed to stay close while He was away and we haven't had that separation period when He came back, but it didn't. We had a fight while He was gone. It was a stupid thing, over a stupid thing I wrote in an email, a joke, I thought. Mac took it as a complaint and being tired from a night long flight and working without a break He snapped. And I felt like I was already at my limit so I snapped back and before we knew it, it had turned into a knock down drag out sludge that ended in me telling Him it was enough, that I didn't think we should speak to each other until we could find something nice to say to each other. He agreed then got on another flight to another country and all I could think was that if anything happened those would be the last words we had said to each other. When He landed safely, I didn't want to submit to Him.
He came home (sort of) two days ago. I have probably spent all of 20 minutes awake with Him in those two days. He is busy, really busy. If He is not in a meeting He is preparing for another, meetings everyone else has had two weeks to prepare for. Today on a Saturday, He will be in meetings all day. Tonight He has to take clients out. I will probably be asleep when He gets home. Tomorrow, on a Sunday, He will have to go into work to catch up on the things He missed while He was away. I don't know when we will have time again.
I told Him last night that I felt like we were in a bad place, where His kisses and His whispers of goodnight were coming from a man who felt like it was His duty to be with His wife, not from a man who enjoys His wife immensely. He agreed that He is just too exhausted to enjoy us right now. He felt bad saying it. I felt bad hearing it, but I understood. I understand. Work has to be done.
Still, there is a part of me that is bitterly jealous. I have become a spectator of other people's lives instead of a person living my own life. Mac has been to four countries in eight days. He has come back and is now too busy to enjoy life. I am living this half life, just waiting to be able to live again. I don't want to be the one waiting. I think that there should be a time when He has to wait for me.
I know that over the next few months, I will get back to being the real me again, but sometimes, it feels like I cannot take another minute of this.
I told Him, before He left that I would submit to Him no matter how far away He pulled, but the truth is, I cannot to submit to someone who just isn't there. I can't be a submissive when there is no one around willing to be dominating. I have to wait now until He has time for me.
And for those of you who think I make it sound easy, I am sorry to have misled you. It is very hard to feel the way I do now and not to be able to mend it. It's only when it is fixed I can look back on it and say it wasn't really that bad. Right now I want to throw things and scream that I want Him to take care of me, not work, ME! I want Him to see me and love me and protect me! He can't though, so I just have to wait.
I like it when I can submit to Him. It makes me feel invincible. Nothing can bring me down.
I feel so damn mortal of late.