Kneeling before Him...
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Thursday, September 10, 2009
I think we have turned a corner. I think we may have found each other again. It has been a really rough few weeks on us both, but I think we might have made it through.
We had a false start so I am a little wary of this change but Mac seems to be more relaxed this time. Last week, on Sunday night, Mac said we should draw a line under the previous week and just start again. I agreed that it would be a good idea. By the day before, Mac had worked 11 days straight in three different countries. He was working all day until 1 or 2 am, getting on a plane and flying to another place through the night and getting out of the airport at 7am and going straight to an office. That happened 3 times in 11 days and when He came home, He was still working 18 hours a day. On that Sunday, He finally crashed. I had pointed out that taking a day off would make Him more productive in the week to come, but it was just exhaustion that really made Him stop. He woke in the morning, we had sex. He ate. He fell asleep on the couch. It was a pattern repeated all day. He woke, wanted me, wanted food, went back to sleep. Sunday night when we were in bed together, He said we needed to draw a line under the week and start again.
It was hard. I will admit that. I felt I had a lot to say, but because He wanted the line, I drew it. The week was over. We moved on. We had great sex on Monday morning, but then the sex never stopped being good. Then the week wasn't really any different. He would disappear into work and not be home until well after dinner. He wasn't seeing the kids. He was hardly seeing me. No calls, no emails, no text messages. But I didn't let it get in the way. I still sent Him emails, sweet, loving emails. No complaints. No accusations. Just love and lust and an attempt to be close.
Then last night, after a Saturday night where He didn't sleep, Mac told me He had something to confess. I looked at Him and He looked so wound up. I knew whatever He had to say, it had to be bad. The thought that it was another woman entered my mind. I held my breath. He told me He is struggling at work. Really struggling. He thinks that He is hanging on by His fingernails. No one has told Him this, He just feels that He is working behind everyone else. Therefore, the axe can't be far away.
I was relieved. I mean, I thought it was work. But I wasn't 100% sure. I thought maybe it was something else, another woman, a falling out of love with me, there are things so much worse. Mac thought it was strange that I was relieved. As He put it 'It is something as trivial as my WHOLE CAREER!' But the thing is, it is just a job. I don't doubt He can find another. I pointed out that since He is so unhappy with His work (and He is unhappy with it) maybe it was time He took back control and looked for another job before that axe falls. Instead of being a negative, perhaps we could turn it into a positive and He could find a job doing the things He enjoys, the things He is good at. He is honestly wasted spending hours at a time in meetings. He likes it better when He is doing things, instead of telling other people to do things. His company has been good to Him and He can appreciate that without giving them His happiness. Staying in a job you are miserable about doesn't do you or the company any good. Perhaps it is time for Him to say thank you for the experience and move on.
Mac told me He was sorry. He realised that He had caused me a lot of stress and more than a little heartache. He said He felt like a weight had been lifted just sharing it with me. He thought that protecting me from it was doing the right thing. He thought He was hiding from me just how stressed He was. He didn't even realise how different He was acting until He let down His guard. He thinks it is a good idea to look at this as a time for change. He kissed me and told me that He loved me. He said that as long as I love Him, things will be fine. I told Him that I will love Him forever, no matter what.
So we are not quite back to where we want to be, but as Mac said last night, there are times in our relationship when it feels like we have broken through the wall and this feels like one of these times.
We will see how it goes from here.