I managed to break my computer. It was a lot easier than I thought it would be. First I followed the instructions on the new anti-virus, and I couldn't use the computer for two weeks until I my IT fixed it by removing a program from the old anti-virus that refused to be removed (same brand as the new one). So that was great. It was working fine, as long as I didn't use Microsoft office. Using Word, or Excel or Outlook immediately froze me up and I had to reboot.

What is the point of a computer if you can't use Word, Excel or Outlook? (I wonder how many of you just thought 'Porn'?)

So now I have to turn off the anti-virus to get office to work. My IT is going to try and reinstall the anti-virus, or he is just going to update to Windows 7 and be done with it. All over an antivirus. Made to protect my computer. Yeah.

So what has been happening? Well, I seem to have lost my submission. I am awkward and prickly. (Awkward being my word to describe myself, prickly being Mac's description of me.) I can't talk to Him. I cannot explain how I feel. I cannot find the right words . Me! The expert at dissecting and discussing everything that is going on with me. I am stuck for words. I don't understand the way I feel. I am shutting myself off and I cannot find a way out from behind this wall I have built up. I cannot bring myself to kneel. I cannot relax. I cannot find it in me to submit.

Mac says it is ok. He says I will find my way back when I am ready to come back. He is not stressed and he is patient with my prickliness. I, on the other hand, have absolutely no patience with myself and it hurts to hold back, damn it. It hurts and I hate it but I am too scared to let go.

I don't understand it. I really don't. I want to.

But I just don't