I wrote a story a while back about a whore and the man who paid for her. I felt a compulsion to go looking for it today. I can't remember why I wrote it, but the last line hit me hard. "She was a hell of a complication he did not need."

Right now, to be perfectly honest, I feel that I am a hell of a complication that Mac doesn't need. It is nothing He has said or done, nothing that He has even implied. I just feel like I am too much. I feel like I am too hard. I feel like the things I feel don't matter at all.

I showed Him this, what I wrote above. I needed to show Him because He told me that He misses me. He wants His voracious little slut back. I have pleased Him and I have pleasured Him, we have talked and laughed and teased each other too, but my interest in sex, in being His slut, my happiness and my self confidence is at an all time low. I would blame it on the pregnancy, but it isn't just that. I am caught up in a period of sadness that I just have no control over. I am lost and can't find my way back. I know it saddens Mac to see me this way. But I just don't know how to be who I am. I can't find my happy place. I miss being me, too.

So Mac has decided that it would be best for me if He took control, more control, for a while. He has decided that for a while I will do as I am told when I am told and that until He decides otherwise that is how it will be. He didn't ask if this was ok with me. He knows I will obey Him. As He said, some things between us never change.

I need Him to take that control, I know that I do. I have felt out of control for some time now. But I worry that He hasn't got the time, that He hasn't got the energy to take the control of me right now. I worry that I am too much, that Mac will see me as a chore, a complication He really does't need. So I tried to talk Him out of it. It didn't work.

He told me to stop thinking that I am too much for Him. He said that we are talking about HIM, not about some other man. He said that He is my One, He really is my One and so nothing about me is ever too much for Him. He said that He is not like the other men I have had in my life. He will not abandon me. He promised me that He will not abandon me. He adores me. He loves me more than He ever has, more than anyone ever has. I believe that. I feel it when He looks at me.

You would think that it would be enough, that knowing that He loves me would be everything I need, but right now, it is just what I am holding on to so I can get through.

That and that I love Him too.