Things in the McBroden household are still up and down. Mac is still having a rough time at work and we have to remind ourselves to find ourselves again. I find that I take on His stress and the more stressed I get, the more I withdraw from my submission when really, when Mac and I are stressed is when we both need it the most. Yes! I said Mac needs it. He does sometimes. He needs me to be submissive and I am not sure if that is because I am calm when I am submissive and that helps calm Him, or if He just likes it better that way. I guess it's all combined anyway.

I have discovered that Mac can be very patient with me. He will take time to make me feel safe enough to come back. It is something that has really just started to happen between us. Before, when I withdrew, Mac would withdraw too and we would spiral down quite a way before we caught it and built up the submission again. He never forced it on me. He never saw a point in making me do something I was fighting against, but He would just leave me alone to work it out. Lately though, instead of leaving me alone, He has taken the time to hold me. He will sit with me, talk to me, and remind me how much He loves me and how important my submission is to us. He brings me back to Him little by little until I can't stand not to give in to it. It actually hurts trying to hold it away. And when I give in, He will hold me tighter and kiss me even more gently and say 'welcome home, angel.' It is such a relief to give in to it. It is euphoric. It's like a drug and He is giving me a hit. I always wonder why I tried so hard not to give in to it. It makes no sense.

But I know the chances are that I will do it again.

I have had the second operation and all is apparently well with my injury. After 8 weeks of non weight baring the muscles have wasted and I am suffering from what they call plaster disease. (Weakened bones, muscles, tightened tendons and ligaments.) I am currently learning to walk, for the third time in my life.

I don't think I have told you this, but I had some bad luck as a child. I have been hit by a car on two separate occasions and I have been in four car accidents where the car I was in was either hit by another car, or the car hit something else. I was only at fault when I was hit by the cars.

The first occasion was the worst one. I was three. My older brother and sister were already at a fair at the school, my mother took me to the school in the afternoon to take part in it. I travelled to the fair sitting on my mother's lap in the front seat while a friend drove. When the car stopped I could see my brother and sister on the other side of the road, calling out to me and my mum put me on the sidewalk and went to climb out of the car herself and by the time she stood up, I was already on the road. The door handle of the car hit me on the forehead when it passed me. We joke that I really hit the car. It didn't hit me. My mother picked me up put me back in the car and we went to the hospital. I was unconscious for a few hours and had head x-rays and other tests but they all came out clear. I just had a huge lump on my forehead that took ages to go away. I was sent home that night even thought I wouldn't walk. For well over a month I wouldn't walk. I regressed to crawling around everywhere. My mother had to take me for more brain x-rays because there were not the you beaut tests they have today, and when the x-rays showed nothing out of the ordinary, I just had to learn to walk again. Maybe with the hit to the head my balance was affected. I don't remember much of it, except seeing my sister and brother, the grass on the curb, the brown car right in front of me, the pain, then crawling up my nanna's drive after we got home from the hospital. I cannot remember why I didn't walk. I just couldn't.

And now after not being allowed to walk for just those 8 weeks, I have to learn to walk once again. The surgeon said after about 4 weeks I should have found a 'sort of' walk rhythm of my own. It will get better through use. Walking is still painful and when I overdo it, it swells up something awful. I have a tens machine for the pain and ice bags for the swelling. I am trying not to overdo it, but honestly, I am so damn impatient. I just want my life back.

Mac is going through another bloody time at work. We hardly see each other but after a period when we moved away from each other and Mac felt that He could not be what I needed Him to be, we have come together in a way that is wholly enveloping. I decided that O/our house should be the place that He comes to for respite from the pressure of the world and the thing is, when I make Him happy, I am happy and so I make Him happier. An upward cycle! Mac is managing to smile and relax at the end of each day which gives Him the energy to face the next day, and the next, until we come to a weekend and we have lots of time to be a family.

Now if only I could walk!

I think we have turned a corner. I think we may have found each other again. It has been a really rough few weeks on us both, but I think we might have made it through.

We had a false start so I am a little wary of this change but Mac seems to be more relaxed this time. Last week, on Sunday night, Mac said we should draw a line under the previous week and just start again. I agreed that it would be a good idea. By the day before, Mac had worked 11 days straight in three different countries. He was working all day until 1 or 2 am, getting on a plane and flying to another place through the night and getting out of the airport at 7am and going straight to an office. That happened 3 times in 11 days and when He came home, He was still working 18 hours a day. On that Sunday, He finally crashed. I had pointed out that taking a day off would make Him more productive in the week to come, but it was just exhaustion that really made Him stop. He woke in the morning, we had sex. He ate. He fell asleep on the couch. It was a pattern repeated all day. He woke, wanted me, wanted food, went back to sleep. Sunday night when we were in bed together, He said we needed to draw a line under the week and start again.

It was hard. I will admit that. I felt I had a lot to say, but because He wanted the line, I drew it. The week was over. We moved on. We had great sex on Monday morning, but then the sex never stopped being good. Then the week wasn't really any different. He would disappear into work and not be home until well after dinner. He wasn't seeing the kids. He was hardly seeing me. No calls, no emails, no text messages. But I didn't let it get in the way. I still sent Him emails, sweet, loving emails. No complaints. No accusations. Just love and lust and an attempt to be close.

Then last night, after a Saturday night where He didn't sleep, Mac told me He had something to confess. I looked at Him and He looked so wound up. I knew whatever He had to say, it had to be bad. The thought that it was another woman entered my mind. I held my breath. He told me He is struggling at work. Really struggling. He thinks that He is hanging on by His fingernails. No one has told Him this, He just feels that He is working behind everyone else. Therefore, the axe can't be far away.

I was relieved. I mean, I thought it was work. But I wasn't 100% sure. I thought maybe it was something else, another woman, a falling out of love with me, there are things so much worse. Mac thought it was strange that I was relieved. As He put it 'It is something as trivial as my WHOLE CAREER!' But the thing is, it is just a job. I don't doubt He can find another. I pointed out that since He is so unhappy with His work (and He is unhappy with it) maybe it was time He took back control and looked for another job before that axe falls. Instead of being a negative, perhaps we could turn it into a positive and He could find a job doing the things He enjoys, the things He is good at. He is honestly wasted spending hours at a time in meetings. He likes it better when He is doing things, instead of telling other people to do things. His company has been good to Him and He can appreciate that without giving them His happiness. Staying in a job you are miserable about doesn't do you or the company any good. Perhaps it is time for Him to say thank you for the experience and move on.

Mac told me He was sorry. He realised that He had caused me a lot of stress and more than a little heartache. He said He felt like a weight had been lifted just sharing it with me. He thought that protecting me from it was doing the right thing. He thought He was hiding from me just how stressed He was. He didn't even realise how different He was acting until He let down His guard. He thinks it is a good idea to look at this as a time for change. He kissed me and told me that He loved me. He said that as long as I love Him, things will be fine. I told Him that I will love Him forever, no matter what.

So we are not quite back to where we want to be, but as Mac said last night, there are times in our relationship when it feels like we have broken through the wall and this feels like one of these times.

We will see how it goes from here.

I would love to tell you all that it worked, that Mac and I managed to stay close while He was away and we haven't had that separation period when He came back, but it didn't. We had a fight while He was gone. It was a stupid thing, over a stupid thing I wrote in an email, a joke, I thought. Mac took it as a complaint and being tired from a night long flight and working without a break He snapped. And I felt like I was already at my limit so I snapped back and before we knew it, it had turned into a knock down drag out sludge that ended in me telling Him it was enough, that I didn't think we should speak to each other until we could find something nice to say to each other. He agreed then got on another flight to another country and all I could think was that if anything happened those would be the last words we had said to each other. When He landed safely, I didn't want to submit to Him.

He came home (sort of) two days ago. I have probably spent all of 20 minutes awake with Him in those two days. He is busy, really busy. If He is not in a meeting He is preparing for another, meetings everyone else has had two weeks to prepare for. Today on a Saturday, He will be in meetings all day. Tonight He has to take clients out. I will probably be asleep when He gets home. Tomorrow, on a Sunday, He will have to go into work to catch up on the things He missed while He was away. I don't know when we will have time again.

I told Him last night that I felt like we were in a bad place, where His kisses and His whispers of goodnight were coming from a man who felt like it was His duty to be with His wife, not from a man who enjoys His wife immensely. He agreed that He is just too exhausted to enjoy us right now. He felt bad saying it. I felt bad hearing it, but I understood. I understand. Work has to be done.

Still, there is a part of me that is bitterly jealous. I have become a spectator of other people's lives instead of a person living my own life. Mac has been to four countries in eight days. He has come back and is now too busy to enjoy life. I am living this half life, just waiting to be able to live again. I don't want to be the one waiting. I think that there should be a time when He has to wait for me.

I know that over the next few months, I will get back to being the real me again, but sometimes, it feels like I cannot take another minute of this.

I told Him, before He left that I would submit to Him no matter how far away He pulled, but the truth is, I cannot to submit to someone who just isn't there. I can't be a submissive when there is no one around willing to be dominating. I have to wait now until He has time for me.

And for those of you who think I make it sound easy, I am sorry to have misled you. It is very hard to feel the way I do now and not to be able to mend it. It's only when it is fixed I can look back on it and say it wasn't really that bad. Right now I want to throw things and scream that I want Him to take care of me, not work, ME! I want Him to see me and love me and protect me! He can't though, so I just have to wait.

I like it when I can submit to Him. It makes me feel invincible. Nothing can bring me down.

I feel so damn mortal of late.

Mac asked me how I could keep myself entertained thinking about kissing. I think He underestimates just how many different ways He kisses me.

Sometimes, when He kisses me it is a simple little kiss. His lips meet mine and He pulls away, nothing more than a peck, a quick hello, a quick goodbye, a quick 'I love that you are here'. That type of kiss that makes me feel welcome, makes me feel happy, makes me feel like I was missed. Sometimes that type of kiss turns into something more. Instead of just the one, He will murmur His enjoyment and move into me for more. It will become two or three, or just a much longer kiss that involves just a slight touch of tongue. There are times when He still can't get enough of me. It makes me smile as I send Him off to work.

Sometimes what starts out as that simple gentle kiss with just a slight touch of tongue will turn into so much more. He will use His tongue to lick the tip of mine and entice my tongue to chase His back in between His lips so He can suck on my tongue, forcing a moan from the back of my throat. He will release me only when He is ready to, and He often chuckles when I wobble away from Him on unsteady legs.

Other times, without any sort of prelude, He will give me one of those lip bruising, mouth raping, breathtaking kisses that leave me in absolutely no doubt as to what He means to take from me.

He kissed me many times when I was in the hospital bed, both before and after the surgery. I had an overnight stay and Mac stayed as long as He could before leaving to go home to our babies. He left me in absolutely no doubt that He would have stayed right there with me. But I wanted Him to go, I needed to sleep and I needed to know that He was sleeping properly so He kissed my lips, the tip of my nose, my eyes, my forehead, the top of my head and my lips again. Then when I had dropped back into the post-surgery semi-conscious state, I felt Him kiss my eyes again. It was hard for Him, harder than He would ever admit. He hates feeling helpless. He likes to be in control. And all He could do was watch. It is still hard for Him when I am in pain, but the good news is that the pain is much better. I have halved my pain medication and I am feeling no pain. I think He will be very happy when He sees how much better I am doing.

So I have not got bored thinking about kissing.

I doubt I will before He comes home and I can use Him to make more kissing memories.

I am sorry. I know I have been gone a long time again. I had some minor surgery on my foot. It would not be a big deal, except I can't put any weight on it at all so I am feeling a little trapped right now. I have to hop on crutches even moving about the house. It is easier not to move much. I have been this way for 4 weeks now. I have 4 more to go. Then I start physiotherapy. Yay.

Mac has been great. He has been very supportive, holding me through the worst of the pain and letting me be His little girl when I needed to be and making me laugh when I let things get on top of me. He has had to go away with work now. It was unavoidable. He could not get out of it. I didn't want Him to get out of it either. His world outside of me shouldn't be put on hold because of me. We have had family looking after me and Sarah Jane and Nicholas anyway. So He went away for work, on Sunday night.

And we did that thing we always do, the withdrawing from each other for the whole week before He left. We kept ourselves at a distance from each other, because neither of us wanted to be vulnerable. Then yesterday, one day into His being away, I was cleaning up my phone when I discovered some old messages from Mac, from when we started the 'adore and submit' times. The messages said He loved it and He asked if I realised that He was going to keep me forever. It made me remember how much those times meant to us and how when I had withdrawn I had taken it away from us. It made me feel sad that I had done it and sad that Mac had also let it go.

So I emailed Him and I told Him about the messages and how much I had missed it. He replied that He had missed it to and when we talked, we talked about remembering that I need that time, even if it is just sitting here on the couch, to close my eyes and take some deep breaths and remember that I am His. We agreed on the timetable for this to happen, so when it does, He knows that right then, I am taking time out just to belong to Him and I know He is thinking of me.

And it works. It honestly does. I was seeing a counsellor for pain management before the surgery. (I can't get to her office now. Too many stairs. I will go back once I can put weight on my foot again.) We have been practicing visualisation. I take time everyday to see my injury healing. There have been studies done and this apparently aids in the healing process. Our brains are powerful things. By using my brain to see Mac and I together, the ache of Him being gone is easier to handle. When I imagine us together, my brain gets a dose of the same hormones that are released when we are together. It makes me feel good.

So Mac will be back in a week and instead of being anxious about Him being gone, I am looking forward to Him coming home so I can do some of the things I imagine us doing. (Mostly kissing. Kissing is just so good.) I don't think we will have that awkward emotionally withdrawn period that we usually go through when He gets here. If I could, when I knew He was coming, I would kneel on the floor naked and wait for Him. But because I can't, I will just tell Him it is where I want to be and when I look at Him, He will know.

That will be enough until I can.

I am sorry that I haven't written for a while. Mac has been keeping me busy with submission. We found a way to fit it in around the children, remembering that it is an important part of us. We came upon this memory in a roundabout way, starting with Mac receiving an email from an ex-girlfriend whom apparently wanted to unburden herself about their previous relationship. (Yeah right. That is why you contact an ex, to tell Him what went wrong. Not to see if He is still interested in screwing you. No, not anything like that.)

So anyway, this ex of Mac's went on to say that she felt Mac had not given her enough of the dominance she wanted. She wanted it formal and proper, all kneeling and titles and head always bowed and when she said that she moved on to a relationship like that, I scoffed. I was quite vicious about it actually. No one can submit all the time. Life gets in the way. At work, or even as a stay at home mum, sometimes I just have to be the dominant one. The kids need it from me. Telemarketers need it from me (or at least I need to be dominant when I speak to telemarketers). It's just the way it is. Mac let it go, let me have my rant about it and didn't seem to think anything more of it. I put it away and didn't think any more of it either. I just got on with being a wife and a mum.

Then one night we were talking about submission and Mac mentioned the type of submission which involves belly crawling on the floor. It had been a rough day with one baby with a runny nose and the other with no patience. I needed to relax. I needed something to help me calm and when Mac said to me that I would like that sort of submission, I simply said I would drool for it and I laid my head against His chest and closed my eyes.

He didn't say anything again. He just thought about it for a while. Then the next day He decided it was time to take things into His hands and deal with them the way He always does. His way.

So now I find time to 'adore and submit' through the day. I do it regularly, no excuses unless it is the children. They come first, but I am finding that if I can take some time out to kneel and centre myself, I am better able to attend to their wants and needs. Mac expects me to be able to make time, so if I don't, I better have a bloody good reason why not. 'I couldn't find time' just doesn't cut it with Him. So I find time and I enjoy that time. I enjoy kneeling and concntrating on submission, reminding myself that I am His. It soothes me and calms me and makes me happy. It is good to be reminded to feel good. I thinks sometimes we all need that reminder.

And of a nighttime when the babies are both in bed I crawl to my place at Mac's feet and He lets me rest there, or on His lap. We kiss a lot, laugh a lot and yes, we fuck a lot. A whole lot. And He makes me masturbate a lot. A whole lot. He says I function best when my sex is occupied. The sex is hot. Damn hot. Some of the hottest, most wicked sex and sexual fantasies I could ever imagine. Often He whispers dirty things while He watches me touch myself. It was difficult at first to be under such scrutiny, but it has become easier, I can relax easier, so He gets wickeder in the things He says to me, determined to make me blush while He turns me on.

This is how we found our way back to each other, back to the intense love we were feeling before He went away. I know that this is not new to us, we have had this submission before, but this is the first time that Mac wants it. He talks about it. He wants us to remember it. He wants me to keep it at the front of my mind where I can use it when I need to, not only when He is here, but for next time He is away. He hates that distance thing that we do as much as I do, and He wants to find a way to make it stop the same way I do. Working together we can make this happen.

I know that Mac is easily bored. I know it better than anyone. Perhaps there will come a day when this submission bores Him, but honestly, I am in such a good place right now, I never want that day to come. I want Him to keep wanting it as much as I do. Maybe I can make Him keep wanting it by helping to keep it exciting.

I want it to stay.