Kneeling before Him...



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Friday, April 22, 2011

'It's just life, Sarah.' That is what Mac says when I complain that we have not had time to spend together. And life has been complicated of late. On top of physiotherapy (which I cut back to once a week so I could fit in massage therapy) and massage therapy, I have been going to the hospital for half a day four days a week to visit with my nephew who had knee operation and ended up with a staph infection. This means that my therapy appointments take me away from the house for complete days and I am gone another two half days.

I knew he had the operation and I knew he had been sent home after it. He and I talked about rehabilitation and physiotherapy. Then two weeks and two more operations later I accidently found out he was back in hospital. My sister didn't think I needed to know. No one other than my ill nephew had spoken to a doctor and no one had asked any questions. My sister was at work when the doctor did his rounds and only found out herself about the other two operations after they had been performed. I went to the hospital, got him a dvd player (because he was going crazy watching the same TV shows over and over), got him credit on his phone (so that we would know before they operated again, which they did, twice more to flush the infection out from behind the knee cap, took him some home cooked meals (because he had lost 6 kilos in two weeks) and organized my rather slack family into a visiting roster (so that he didn't have days where no one visited. I even ended up cutting his hair and trimming his beard when he was well enough to shave. I was the only one who spoke to doctors. I asked the questions. I made them organise a home nurse and a long term IV line so he could get his IV antibiotics at home instead of staying in the hospital once we had the infection under control, otherwise he would have been there another month. He was in hospital for 6 weeks all up. He will be on IV antibiotics another month, then oral antibiotics for a few months more. He has now been home for three days. He has been here for two of them. He doesn't want to be at home alone so his father drops him off here after the nurse has been to change his antibiotics. Having him here means I will get some normality back in to my schedule. I know Sarah Jane and Nicholas will appreciate having me around more. Mac has been away much of the past month so he has only gotten my second hand account of it all. But he did promise to be home for Easter and all things being equal, he will be here for dinner tomorrow night. He should be home for a few weeks, fingers crossed.

What this has taught me (other than that my family is utterly messed up) is that I do not understand teenagers relationships. I have had a few teenagers around. My niece has been helping me with the children for a while now and I do encourage her to treat this house as her own to the same extent her parent's house would be hers if she was living at home. She does have friends and their boyfriends and her boyfriend visit and I have noticed that the girls speak in front of the boys the same way in which I assume boys talk to their mates. My nephew and his girlfriend do the same. I am often left mortified at their choice of topic and the way in which they speak to each other. Mac and I have been together for years and would not even dream of having a conversation like theirs. Some of it, I would not even discuss with my girlfriends. They talk about who did the biggest bowel movement, have competitions to see who can do the smelliest and loudest passing of wind, and discuss their menstrual cycle in detail, while a group of boy and girls are together. None of them see anything wrong with this. It seems to me that girls and boys are suffering from an over familiarity. I do not like it. I believe there are things that boys do not need to know about girls. I believe there should be a difference. I should not have to tell visitors that they need to change the subject. Maybe I am becoming too old and prissy, but honestly, we never spoke that way to each other growing up. It troubles me.

I am really excited that Mac is coming home. Really excited. I am suffering from a complete lack of submission in the past month. I have been the one in charge for way too long. I do not like being the one making all the decisions and I am exhausted. I am at a point where I asked him what he wanted for dinner tomorrow night, then got upset because he told me to pick between two dishes. I do not want to make any more choices for a while. I need him to come and put his hand on my neck and just be the man for a while. I have missed having a man here more than I can tell you. I get the feeling that he has missed being here too.

I hope everyone has a very happy Easter.

I am planning on making it a very submissive one here.

Posted by Sarah McBroden at 8:41 a.m.

Thursday, March 03, 2011

I have started on a number of posts, then life has dragged me away and I have not gotten back to them. So here are the things I was going to post.

First, Christmas. Yes, going back that far! Christmas day was awful. Well, not all of it. Mac, the kids and I had a really good, happy, busy morning, then my family arrived. My sister and I had not spoken for almost a year, because her husband feels that I am a bad influence on her. I got her a job with a friend of mine and because of that she is spending less time looking after him and it is my fault. Never mind that the reason I got her the job was because they couldn't make payments on the house and she was constantly stressed about money. I found out this is why she has not spoken to me for a year on Christmas day. Merry Christmas to me.

And apparently her husband had decided that getting absolutely smashed drunk at our house would be a good way to spend Christmas and he had not had much sleep for two days after working a night shift, going shopping on Christmas Eve, working another night shift, then opening presents with his kids before coming to our house. So he somehow managed to down half a bottle of good quality bourbon inside of an hour, stumbled around for another hour, showed me his penis, and passed out in a chair. It was a relief when he passed out. I had spent an hour trying to stop Mac from hitting him and keeping the kids out of the way while my sister thought it was all hilarious. Her husband is the type of person who won't even raise his voice in public. His public image is really important to him and she took great delight, bordering on nasty glee, at his embarrassing display.

Of course, the brother-in-law passing out was just the beginning. It was all quiet for a couple of hours before he started throwing up all over himself while still passed out. People held his head and aimed him at a bucket. This happened a few times through the afternoon and evening, including one time where he cried for his mummy. What a wonderful example he set for his four teenage sons. Sarah Jane kept asking what was wrong with him. Nicholas just stayed right away from him.

I have not heard from my sister or her husband since Christmas day. No apology, nothing. This is behaviour that we would not have put up with from a friend. Yet from family, it happens and we not only accept it, we are also supposed to just forget about it and move on.

On New Year's Eve, we decided to stay home, just Mac, the children and me. We put the children to bed at their normal bed time then sat together on the couch and talked. The talking led to touching and the touching led to fucking and we saw out the old year and in the new year with him inside me and us both deciding it was a much better way to celebrate then being out with a bunch of drunken people.

Next Christmas will not be held at my house.

Mac is still travelling a lot. In fact he is away right now. He will be away for a couple of weeks. It is hard to maintain any sort of relationship while we are spending so much time apart. Before he left we had a discussion which included Him saying that He felt like I did not love Him as much anymore and me saying that I had started to feel more like a booty call than a wife. The only time we were communicating at all was when we wanted to have sex. It wasn't just Him either. I have physio twice a week, which is a torturous nightmare. I have swimming therapy twice a week which is so much better than the physio, but still tiring. I have two very lively children to take care of and I am still on massive doses of painkillers and still in lots of pain so I haven't had the time or energy to give to Him. He is working his tail off, often working from 8 am to midnight seven days a week, two weeks at a time. Then He comes home jetlagged and unwell and he works another 5 long days before he gets a day off and by that time all He wants to do is sleep. Then it is time for Him to go away again. We both agreed that we both need to talk to each other more. We just have to make the time.

As you might have guessed by now, the last surgery I had was not successful. I am still in a lot of pain when I walk. They are no longer sure why I am in so much pain, the surgeon took out a lot of scar tissue and some bone, which should have freed up movement in the joint, but even my strapping, young, rugby playing physiotherapist with the intense blue eyes cannot get it to move, no matter how much of his weight he puts into it. I have, on one occasion, walked around the supermarket, ignoring the pain, because I was told I had to force myself to walk, only to suffer a stress fracture and end up back on crutches for 6 weeks. I have to walk, but if I walk even a simple distance, I injure myself. The whole thing just sucks.

Sarah Jane and Nicolas are growing like weeds. I swear they change overnight. I wish I could capture every moment. Sometimes it just feels like it is all going too fast.

I think that is all I need to write for now. At least I got this one finished.

I hope I get back into writing again now.

I just want to add that I have received an email telling me that once again my posts have been stolen and reproduced on someone else’s blog and claimed as the blog owner's writing. Whilst I am flattered that you think my writing is worth stealing, stop it. It makes you look silly. And now I know about you, if you do it again, I will have no choice but to maked sure all your friends know who really wrote the things you post.

Take care everyone!

Posted by Sarah McBroden at 10:49 a.m.

Monday, December 06, 2010

About two weeks ago, completely out of the blue, while Mac and I were having a conversation online, my phone rang. It was Mac. He was talking to me online and ringing me at the same time. I answered the phone.

'I just want to tell you that I love you.' He said. 'I need to tell you that I love you.'

'I love you too.' I said.

'Good girl.' I could hear Him smiling. I smiled too.

I took the phone to bed with me and He did too and we talked to each other until we were both too sleepy to talk anymore.

It had been a long time since we had done anything so teenager-in-love-ish.

He came home a few days later and both the children happened to be sleeping. I threw myself into His arms and slipped my tongue into His mouth. His bags were left at the door. Both our clothes were left in the hallway. After an hour of loud messy sex and really filthy kissing, we came up for air long enough to say hello.

It was so delicious to be so lustful for Him that I don't understand why I stopped feeling that way. I feel calm when I want Him.

Now I just have to keep this feeling alive while Mac is away again.

We can do this. I know we can.

Posted by Sarah McBroden at 11:55 a.m.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

I had to have surgery again. I had to hold my foot completely immobile for 8 weeks after the last lot of surgery and scar tissue formed that stopped the joint from being able to move properly. When the surgeon went in, I also had an overgrowth of bone that had to be removed. It hurts. It hurts like the injury is brand new and I am back on crutches again, though it should only be 10 days this time. I have to take weight on it already. I started physio the day after the operation. The surgeon and I both agreed that this is the last time, so I really hope this fixes this once and for all.

The surgery has made me extremely tired. I remember surgery when I was a kid and I don't remember it knocking me around so much. I slept for most of 48 hours and was still tired. Mac and I have not had sex for 9 days and I cannot remember any other time we went without sex for this long. Even when I had the babies we had some form of sex. Hand jobs, blow jobs, kissing. Lots and lots of kissing. This time, He was away before the surgery and only made it back in time to take me to the hospital. We had not seen each other for a week and we didn't have time for any sort of intimacy and after the surgery I was so sore and so tired that there has not been any desire. The muscles in my tongue were strained due to intubation and I can't kiss properly. I can't even stick my tongue out at Mac when He is a smartass. So we have gotten a little cranky with each other. A little testy. We are both just really in need of some good old fashioned fucking and I think I am just going have to suck it up and get horny for Him. I know if I can find my libido, He will find His and before we know it, we will be feasting on each other's sex again.

I just have to find the energy.

Posted by Sarah McBroden at 11:51 a.m.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Mac doesn't like it when I am on top. Or, at least, when I am on top, Mac holds my hips and thrusts up into me, so He is still in control. I pointed that out to Him one day and He was surprised by that. He had never thought about it. He had just done it, but once I did point it out to Him, He did give it some thought and He admitted it was true. No matter what else is going on, in the bedroom, Mac is always the one in control.

I say that because more and more, I am finding that submission outside the bedroom just doesn't fit in with our lives. I am a mother of two and as such, I have to be the mother lioness. Dealing with finances, with business people, with trades people, (we are having some work done to the kitchen and no, it is not ok to just stick a box on top of it because you cut it to the wrong size!) it is not sensible to be submissive. With Mac away, it is not sensible to be submissive. I guess there is a sort of soft submission between Mac and me. He still makes the big decisions. He still is the one I go to for help when I am unsure. I still cook His favourite meals when He is home and I still wear the clothes I know He likes. But when He drags me to bed and takes from me what He wants, that is when I remember what it really can be like. That is where I don't have to pretend.

It is just a shame we can't be there all the time.

Posted by Sarah McBroden at 1:29 p.m.

Sunday, August 29, 2010

I am so stressed. I have been sick, a cold, which I have unfortunately passed on to the little man. Nicholas has spent the last two nights coughing and not sleeping, which means I have not slept either. Mac is away and I am exhausted, but life doesn’t stop, Sarah Jane doesn't stop, Mac can’t stop, just because I am sick. Nicholas needs me constantly. I need sleep! I know it will pass. My cough has slowed. So a week from now, Nicholas will be over this. Sarah Jane will probably have it, but Nicholas and I will be better. I think Mac is happy not to be home right now.

I know this is horrible, but sometimes I wish it was me that was away. Just sometimes, you know?

Either that or I wish Mac was here so I could just kneel for Him at the end of the day. I think that would help me relax.

But I am a good mum and I will soldier on and it will get better. Any day now!

Posted by Sarah McBroden at 1:57 p.m.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

I found that misunderstandings kept happening between Mac and I. Not big deals, just little things that left us both feeling a little titchy with each other. As the titchiness set in the misunderstandings kept coming which meant the titch took up permanant residence and I didn't like it. I didn't like it at all. I hated feeling that grating edge between us.

So I decided to go back to the basics. Instead of just saying 'I love you' which still is a lovely thing to say, I started saying why I loved Him, what things about Him I loved. 'I love the way You smile.' 'You have the most gorgeous eyes.' 'I love being with You.' 'I love the way you smell.' Just little things. Not big deals. And I didn't make a big deal out of them. I said them with a kiss as He was leaving in the morning, with a smile as we sat down to dinner, with a caress on the cheek as I was walking past. And instead of saying 'You are late' when He didn't make it home on time, I said things like 'I like it when You come home.'

The difference it has made has been huge. There are less misunderstandings and instead of being titchy, we are very comfortable together. We can tease without anyone taking it seriously. We can question misunderstandings without anyone being on edge. And I don't think Mac realises this, but we are spending more time together, talking, touching, and kissing while we are watching TV. He touches me more often while I am cooking. We hold hands more. He looks at me with that look that is full of love. He smiles more often, especially at me.

I think it is easy to fall into a spiral of bad habits.

And sometimes it is just takes something simple to get us back out.

Posted by Sarah McBroden at 9:46 a.m.

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