There was a fantasy that Mac used a few days back to make me come. He took me by surprise with the person He had included in it. My response was to come, deep shuddering orgasms that left me breathless. Not only was it naughty, it was delicious. I spoke to the person that was in the fantasy and told her that I wouldn't use her name. Her response was "you can if you want, I'm a naughty slut and I like that sort of thing." So thankyou to wench and of course to her Majesty for allowing me to tell this the way it should be told.

And thank you to Mac for the delicious idea.

The bar is sleazy, not the type of bar where good girls go. Wench and I don't mind though, because we are not here to be good girls. We sit side by side on two stools at the bar, watching the rough clientele and teasing each other over the bulge in the one over there's jeans and the tightness of the ass that just walked past. We giggle together in the way which girls about to misbehave do.

The coolness of wench's hand on my neck makes me shiver with anticipation and she smiles at me wickedly as she pulls me in closer to meet her lips. The kiss is soft and gentle, our tongues touching tentatively then pulling away. My hand slips to her thigh, travelling up to the hem of her skirt as one of her hands trails lightly across my breast.

She pulls back slightly and I reach for her again and she moans and kisses me once more, gently biting my lips then sucking on my tongue. I hold her face with both my hands as the passion between us rises and neither of us notices that all noise in the bar has stopped. We smile at each other mischievously, the wickedness returning with the lust.

'Baby,' wench murmurs. 'See those two guys behind me? Watching? Will they do?'
I nod at her without looking. Who it is doesn't matter. Anyone will do fine.

'Show me with them then. I want to see how you suck cock.'

I take wench's hand and we move to kneel before the two men. Both of us pull our skirts up to show off pantiless cunts and we both undo the buttons on our tops to expose our breasts. The air around us is thick with lust and we know we are on display.

The cocks that we take from their pants are already hard and throbbing. It was the kisses that we shared which did it. Wench follows my lead as I gently stroke and lick and kiss the cock of the man in front of me. I can see her out of the corner of my eye as her lips close over the head of the cock before her. I keep jerking my guy as I lean over to lick at wench's stretched open lips. She gurgles and both of the men moan so I do it again. Wench releases the cock from her mouth and turns to kiss me again, both of us still working the cocks with our hands and both of the men growl in enjoyment at watching the two sluts at their feet kiss so we do it again.

I feel the cock in my hand pulse and I turn my head back in time to take his orgasm in my mouth sucking him while he spurts and licking at his cock to make sure he is properly finished before turning back to slide my tongue into wench's waiting mouth again. Within moments she realises her guy is about to come and as she turns to take his orgasm he growls at her 'your tits' and she tosses back her head and jerks him so his semen splashes across her breasts. She kisses his still throbbing cock gently and watches as He puts it away.

I turn to her and lean forward to lick some of the semen from her breasts. The air around us pulsates with the lust of the men still watching and our tongues find their way into the other's mouth. Long slow gentle kisses as our breasts press together and the semen smears over both of us.

A guy moans and we pull away from each other and admire the way our tits glisten in the light of the bar. Wench leans in to whisper close so that her breath tickles my ear.

'Shall we have some more?'

I smile at her and nod and we choose two more from the pulsing waiting throng.

And the night goes on...

She lay in the morning sunshine soaking up the heat of the day. The world looked so different here, it constantly amazed her. She had never been this far away from her river, her life source. She rolled to her stomach and tucked her hands under her head, her wings spread out over her in a soft shield of colours that caught the sunlight and filled the air around her. She loved to watch the tones dance over each other as she gently fluttered her wings. Rarely did she have time like this, time when she could just relax and not worry about the world around her. She knew she could make as much noise as she liked, she could make the sky glow with colours so bright that the world would sparkle. Nothing could hurt her here. Nothing would dare come near her, so she knew she could be as loud and as bright as she wished. Because she knew she could, she didn't feel any need to. She was content to lay here beside him and play gently by herself.

Her dragon was stretched out on his stomach beside her, watching over her protectively. He would not allow anything to hurt her. She had come to mean more to him than he had thought was possible. This tiny creature beside him had captured his heart with her ability to give and her love. He watched her as she luxuriated in the sunlight, amusing herself quietly. His throat thickened at the thought of the trust she placed within him. She was so small, he could so easily crush her, one sweep of his hand and she would cease to exist and yet she lay happily beside him. She knew how deeply he cherished her. She knew that he would protect her with everything he had. She knew she was his.

She glanced up at the giant beside her and saw him watching her. She smiled at him and the day seemed to brighten. She was not in the least self conscious with him and she let her eyes wander over him. She had never known anything living to be as big as he was. He almost filled the clearing in which they lay. She had thought he would be cold to touch and had been surprised when he was not. The scales that covered him made him look so hard and impenetrable but she knew they were just his cover, his body's way of defending himself against those that would see him gone. She knew that to others he looked fierce. She had seen them flee from him. They did not know him the way she did. He would never harm them, unless they threatened those who needed his protection.

She sat up and hugged her knees to her chest, tucking her wings behind her. He delighted in her obvious happiness and his eyes sparkled, brilliantly blue. She saw his joy in her and she positively glowed. She had loved this dragon for so long, from the first time he had chosen to protect her she had loved him, but never had she loved him as much as she did now. She knew it was different between them now, she knew the day it had changed.

There had been nothing special about the day. He had come to see her as he had many other times and they had talked of the same things that they had shared many times before. Yet when it was time for him to leave, he seemed reluctant to go. He had held out his hand to her and she had climbed upon it without hesitation. He had carefully held her and taken her with him, home.

She had marvelled at his cave. It had not been dark and scary, as she had assumed it would be. It was a place of light and beauty. It sparkled and glistened with a thousand treasures that took her breath. He had let her go and she flew about the cave, flitting from treasure to treasure, each more beautiful than the last. He allowed her the freedom to explore at her own will, only occasionally pointing out something he really wanted her to see. She had come back to him often to share with him some jewel she had found. She had surprised him with the absolute pleasure she took in working out his favourite things. He felt his heart fill with love with every smile that crossed her face. Her happiness bubbled out of her in a series of giggles that infected him with their joy.

She noticed a shelf high in the wall and wondered what He would keep above all else. She glanced at him and he watched her calmly. She flew to the shelf, not sure what to expect. She landed softly and felt her body stiffen in surprise. Before her was a rose. Her rose. She had given it to him a year before, knowing that he would appreciate the love she had tended to it with. He had told her he would keep it for her but she had known that flowers die and that dragons did not have the most delicate of touches. She had known he would try to keep it as long as he could but in the end it would be gone.

It was perfect. She did not understand how it could still be perfect after all this time. It should have wilted away to nothing and yet it was still perfect. She looked at him in utter amazement.

'How?' she asked.

He shrugged. 'With love, I guess.'

She felt her love for him swell until it was too big to be kept inside her. Tears of happiness had welled up in her eyes and flowed down her cheeks. She stepped off the shelf into the air and let her wings catch her. He saw the wall behind her come alive with her colours. She was unaware of how brightly she glowed but he could see and was astonished at how brilliantly she could shine.

She had gone to him, hiding her face in his neck as she cried with a happiness that she had never felt before. She knew then that she was connected to him in a way much deeper than friendship. She would be with him forever.

She sat quietly in the clearing watching him, remembering the times they had shared since that day, how he had filled her with His love again and again. All it took was his smile. Everything she had she used to make him smile. She had held nothing back from him. He knew her like no one had ever tried to know her and she loved him deeply for it.

She felt her love for him over power her again and she untangled her arms from her knees and rose with the help of her wings. She flew to Him and kissed his neck. She felt his breath catch and she purred against him.

She flitted around in front of him and found a soft clear place to stand. He growled softly in the back of his throat. She smiled up at him. Then she danced. She lost herself completely to the rhythm she had created in her head and he could hear the beat in each of her movements. She danced with all the joy and love she felt and he saw it all in every curve of her body. She gave him everything she was and all she had to give in the only way she knew she could. Her inhibitions made her even more beautiful to watch. He knew she was only this free with him.

She danced until he called to her to stop. She fell breathlessly to her knees and he smiled at her. She grinned up at him, satisfied that she had pleased him again. He rolled carefully onto his back and she quickly flew to him. She stretched herself out on his belly, over his heart and lay quietly with Him. His heartbeat thundered through her tiny form and she shuddered as each beat shook her core. Never was she so complete as when his pleasure had been in her.

She lay upon him until she heard the river call to her. She still could not stay away from her life source for long, no matter how she desired to stay with him. He knew of her reluctance to leave and gently swept her up into his hand. She found herself looking deeply into his eyes.

'We have tomorrow, little one. We have tomorrow and we have forever.' He smiled at her softly and she wrapped herself around his finger, her cheek pressed against the pad of his claw. He held her safely within his hand and flew her back. They arrived at her river with a speed that exhilarated her. His wings could carry him much faster than hers ever could and she loved being able to fly with him.

When he opened his hand she stood on his palm and pouted.

'I don't want to go.' She whined softly.

He looked at her, understanding her reluctance completely. He would always have her with him if he could.

'Look here you,' he growled at her, 'you have my love. You take it with you wherever you go. Go to your river, fill it with the joy you fill me with. Then tomorrow come back to me and fill me with your joy again.'

She flew from his hand to kiss his forehead then she pushed away from him into the sky. He watched as she flew in loops through the air, then tucked her wings behind her and dove towards her river. She entered the water without even making a splash.

He imagined her briefly moving through the water so smoothly that she almost wasn't there. In his mind's eye he could still see her shining before him as she danced. He smiled and stretched his own wings out behind him. Sometimes tomorrow seemed a long way away, even to him.

Something absolutely wonderful and amazing happened yesterday. Something so simple and so easy that it took both Mac and I by complete surprise with its intensity and the way it coloured O/our day. It filled U/us both with love.

I gave Mac a blowjob.

That's it really. A simple easy loving giggling blow job that totally enthralled Mac.

After I wrote here yesterday of the blowjob that I had given Mac the day before, I went and joined Him back in bed. He was still sleeping because of the late night He had. He looked so at peace with the world that I almost hated to wake Him.

I pulled the quilt back off Him, and was surprised to find that He was erect. He was already close to waking. I scooted down the bed so that I could be near His cock and I played with it gently, stroking it with my fingertips and very lightly running my nails along it. He stirred and shifted onto His back.

I giggled and kissed the very tip of His penis. He opened His eyes in that 'I am awake but really still asleep' way and I giggled again and He smiled at me. I raked my teeth lightly over the head of His cock and He growled softly. I closed my lips over Him and slid my mouth on Him, jerking the part of Him that didn't fit in my mouth with my hand. My fingers caught against the slight stickiness of His cock and without even thinking about it, I took my lips off Him and I let my saliva drip from my mouth onto the shaft. Mac's reaction was electric. He groaned and His body stiffened and His cock jumped in my hand. His hands gripped the sheets. I was taken by surprise but delighted in the effect it had and I held His penis so that the next ball of spit fell onto the slit then I rubbed my thumb over it. I let my spit dribble onto Him again following it with my tongue prying into the slit and my hand still jerking Him. I had Mac in a place where all He could say was 'Baby baby. Sarah. Oh god Sarah. Baby.' I licked at the sensitive spot beneath the head of His cock and my hand stroked the shaft. I nuzzled my cheek against Him, murmuring and kissing Him and grazed my teeth over the head again and He was almost bursting. I knew He had been holding back from the moment I had let my spit dribble onto Him and I knew He couldn't hold on much longer. I licked the head again and again and He exploded, grunting and growling my name. I licked and kissed and murmured at Him through His orgasm until He put His hands in my hair and told me to stop.

I smiled up at Him and that was when He said that I had given Him the best blowjob ever. I giggled and He told me that He wasn't joking. That it had been the best blowjob He had ever had. When He got online He made the comment about it on the blog.

He started me thinking. What had it been that had made this the best blowjob ever? It wasn't the deepest I had given Him and it wasn't the longest. I am certainly no porn star. I have a lot of trouble getting Him deep inside my throat without gagging. And I know that there will be guys reading this and thinking, that's not what I would call a good blowjob, and probably girls thinking that too.

The thing is, it was a perfect blowjob for Mac. I said yesterday that I know Him so well that I knew how to keep Him out of the conversation. I could also say that I know Him well enough to know exactly what He likes sexually. I found out by listening to Him. I found out by remembering little things that He said that He found sexy or passages in books He would ask me to read. I watched His reaction to porn, took in all that made Him throb and the things that He was indifferent too.

There are times during rough sex that Mac will want the in out of mouth fucking. But those times are rare. He much prefers me to love His cock. Kiss it and caress it, lick it and graze it with my teeth. He loves to see me look up at Him and smile and giggle. He loves to know I am enjoying it too. I do enjoy it, because although oral sex is not that enjoyable, pleasing Him, watching Him, loving Him like this is one of the most pleasurable things I have ever done.

The reaction He had to me spitting on His cock surprised me. I had to think about it a lot before I worked out what it was about it that turned Him on and I think I know now. He saw His good girl spit dirtily on His penis. He saw her become a whore only interested in His pleasure, she wanted His cock slick so she could stroke it and so she wet it the quickest way she could. And when she saw that it pleased Him more than she thought it would, she did it again and again because she loves Him.

Because I know what He likes, because I made sure I know what He likes, I can give Him the perfect blowjob. I can also give Him the perfect sex, anal sex, and tit fucking. I can cook Him the perfect meal and make Him the perfect drink and pick out the perfect DVD to see. I can watch a rugby game and understand what is happening and hold a conversation with Him about the game. I can sit at His feet quite happily and quietly when He has work to do. I made it my job to find out what He prefers and it is my delight to bring Him these things.

So that would be what I would put in a book on how to give a blowjob. Listen to what His body tells you as well as what He says with His voice. Listen to what He tells the people around Him. Make it your business to know what He likes and then use it on Him and glow in the praise that you will get. Simple really.

It has been almost 18 months now for Mac and I. Yesterday He said to me: "You can be such a whore, such a brazen wanton slut but You are so loving and giving. God. I adore you."

And it was all because of a simple blowjob.

I must be doing something right.

I went to bed last night thinking about shi's comment that "There is magic everywhere that you two go!" Sometimes it feels that way to me too. I think it is because W/we create magic between U/us. Have you ever seen someone so irresistibly happy that they were infectious? I think a lot of the time it is like that for Mac and I. W/we really do make each other happy and W/we feed from each other's happiness and pretty soon those around U/us are smiling and laughing and loving and lusting too.

That makes what I did just that much more awful.

A couple of weeks ago, I did something that I haven't really talked about yet. At the time I just said my behaviour had been bad and that Mac had forgiven me but I found it hard to forgive myself. I didn't want to talk about it then, because I was told not to wallow in it and I knew that I would. Now I feel like I am at a place where I can accept what I did was wrong and talk about it without punishing myself for it all over again.

I need to start with a couple of things so that you understand just why it all went so wrong. First, Christine is one of my best friends. Mac and Christine can hardly manage to be civil to each other. They used to be friends, but things changed when Mac and I became U/us. I may write about that another day. There are some days I love Christine to bits, and others that I really can't stand her but for some reason I can never sever the friendship completely.

In the morning of the awful day, Mac said that He would come home from work to pick me up for a dinner party at Christine's that I had said W/we would attend. I was looking after my nephew and niece that day and as I would have the children late I told Him to go straight from work and I would meet Him there. He didn't seem delighted at the idea, but He said ok.

Through the day, I managed to change the plans with the kids and I got someone to pick them up early so I could arrive at Christine's with Mac, but I couldn't get a hold of Him to tell Him until it was to late. He had just arrived at Christine's when I called and He said I should grab a cab and come over. I was a little upset at this. Not because He didn't want to come and pick me up, but because He didn't acknowledge that I had made the effort to have the kids picked up. I went a little cold on Him but I didn't say why, I just said bye and hung up. I arrived at Christine's 30 minutes later.

In those 30 minutes, I decided that I would tell Him that I had felt my effort was unappreciated but when I walked in He said something to someone He had been making small talk with, and I got it into my head that He was saying that He didn't want to talk to me. Don't ask me why I thought that, I am really good at projecting my feelings into other people's words. ('That outfit looks good on you' translates into 'When you are not wearing that outfit you are an ugly cow' in Sarah's mind.)

So I did the absolute worst and most stupid thing I could ever do. I confided in Christine. I was angry with Mac and I walked over to Christine and I vented. I told her that I felt like Mac didn't want to talk to me. Knowing she hates me being with Mac and knowing that she is a manipulative person, warning bells should have gone on inside my head but she said the simplest thing in the world and I grasped onto it like a drowning man grasping a float.

'So don't talk to him.'

Simple. Easy. That will teach Him. Also awfully manipulative, horribly disrespectful and not at all how people who love each other treat each other in private, let alone in public. But I didn't think about those awful things. I just went with my anger and cut Mac off.

He tried a couple of times to engage in a conversation with me and others, and I would shut Him out, talking about things He wasn't a part of, or wasn't interested in. I know Mac really well. So well that it was very easy to know how to keep Him out of the conversation. Of course Christine helped. We were like two horrible children doing our best to exclude a third from our playtime.

Mac didn't understand what was going on but He knew He was bored and it wasn't long after W/we ate that He said He had work to do and W/we left. The minute W/we stepped outside I felt horrible. I knew what I had done was wrong and yet I stayed silent. W/we drove home in silence, W/we went inside in silence, and W/we put away O/our coats in silence.

Finally Mac said 'Hello'

Me: 'Hi'

Silence.

Me: 'How was work?'
Mac: 'Busy.'

Silence.

Mac: 'Couldn't seem to find anything to talk about tonight.'
Me: 'That's because I didn't want You to be a part of the conversation.'
Mac: 'What?'
Me: 'I cut You out on purpose.'
Mac: 'Thank you. Very much. And do tell me what on earth possessed you to do that?'

Now I should point out here that Mac has this deadly calm voice that He uses. It means He is very very close to losing His temper in a big way. Anyone who knows Mac well knows that voice means tread carefully because you are walking in a minefield. And I ploughed on.

I told Him that I had been feeling upset when I arrived at Christine's, then He had said He didn't want to talk to me, so I hadn't wanted to talk to Him. He was surprised. When had He said He didn't want to talk to me? I explained. He said that the comment He had made had not been directed at me. He pointed out that He had only done what I had asked Him to do by going to Christine's without me and that He would have much preferred arriving with me and that I had pretty much carried on like a fool. He told me that He was going to do some work and that it would be best if I left Him alone but before He left He pointed out one more thing to me that cut me like a knife.

I had allowed Christine to disrespect Him too.

I don't know if anyone can understand the true horror of what I felt. He was right. Not only had I allowed it, I had encouraged it and I wished the floor would open wide and swallow me whole.

I sat down and thought about it, keeping well away from the room He was in. I wrote out a dozen or so apologies and all of them said I am sorry but it wasn't my fault and I screwed them up and tossed them out. It was my fault. I love Mac and I deliberately set out to sabotage His evening and I succeeded. I did have a little help on the way, but laying it at Christine's feet is like blaming a soldier for a war. She was a participant, but the whole thing could never have been started without me. I knew I had hurt Mac and I knew I had broken a part of U/us and I didn't want to take responsibility for that. I had to though. I had done it. I had to face the consequences.

I went to Him and I knelt and I told Him that I had believed that He had said He didn't want to talk to me but even that was not an excuse for what I did. I had no excuse and I was sorry. I wanted to be His good girl again. He kissed my cheek and told me to stop crying, it was a misunderstanding and that it was all over now. Finished. He still had work to do so I went to bed alone and the next day He went away and I have told the story from there.

I think I can tell this now because the part of U/us that I had broken feels fixed. It may not look the same as it used to and it may work a little differently, but it does work and it feels strong and I know I will never try and break it again.

Yesterday Mac woke up hard and horny, as is usually the case with Him. I snuggled up against Him and kissed Him and ran my nails along His belly. His voice was still thick with sleep and made thicker by His desire.

'Mouth' He said. 'Need you.'

And I slid down the bed and lightly kissed the head of His cock.

'Oh baby' He groaned and He pulled my hair away from my face so that He could watch. He gently stroked my cheek and I took Him inside my mouth, and I dragged my lips up off Him and I licked His balls while my fingers stroked His cock. I caressed Him, I nuzzled Him and I loved every second of pleasure that I brought Him. He came with my tongue licking the head of His cock while my fingers stroked His shaft. I let His semen drip back onto His stomach from my lips and chin. He slumped back against the bed, drained and I giggled at His lack of energy. He smiled and stroked my hair while I licked Him clean.

He left for the city after that, so I didn't see Him all day. I have a vague recollection of Him kissing my cheek and whispering goodnight as He snuggled up against me when He got home. Right now He is still asleep but it is almost time for me to go kiss Him awake.

I am smiling now.

I wonder what magic the two of U/us will make happen today?

After W/we woke on Sunday, it was starting to get late in the evening so W/we ate and W/we sat around, kind of sated and drained. The only thing was, I was crying.

Mac said 'I love you,' and I filled up on tears. He held my hand and I cried some more. He left me alone and I followed Him to be near Him and I cried. He went back to sit on the couch and I cried. I wasn't sad. I was just so full of emotion. All the colours were too bright and the sounds were too loud and even the food had too much taste. I was in a complete sensory overload and I really didn't know what to do other than to go back to sleep. I desperately wanted someone to talk too. It didn't have to be about anything deep or personal, I just wanted to talk.

I told Mac this and even though it was getting late on a Sunday evening, He suggested going out. I wanted to resist it, everything was so loud, but Mac said to trust Him and I do trust Him so W/we went to a quiet little pub that is a favourite haunt of O/ours.

Mac took my hand and held it until I was ready for Him to let it go and it was nice to know that He was watching over me. W/we were talking to a couple of women there that W/we knew. I can't remember why, but Mac started to refer to me as His sleazy wench. Then Mac and Marie said the same thing at exactly the same time and I made a reference to great minds and Mac told Marie she could be His other sleazy wench and got her to sit on the other side of Him. The other woman, Fran asked if she could be a sleazy wench too and Mac told her to pull up a chair. Another lady at that bar, Emily who knew Marie and Fran asked if she was a sleazy wench and Mac told her that her status was undecided as W/we didn't know her yet.

She looked a little disappointed so Mac told her to have her people fax His people and He would get back to her on it and for the time being she could join U/us on a provisional sleazy wench status. She smiled and sat down and He told her that a smile was a good start. Emily got a bottle of wine and W/we laughed about the name of cocktails and there was talk of licking lipstick off lips and off nipples and there was talk about Emily and where she was from and I was entranced by these three women looking at Mac with such desire and I was watching Him handle them gently and carefully and making sure that none felt left out.

Marie got upset about the attention that Emily was getting and she said something snappish and Mac looked at her and told her to stop being surly and she apologised immediately and He smiled at her and she relaxed. He was gorgeous, truly gorgeous, making each woman feel special.

The air was thick with lust and I suddenly realised that each of the women at the table would have done anything for Mac at that moment. We were all submitting to Him and far from feeling jealous, the beauty of watching these 'strong' women willingly submit to my Male carried me away. It was almost like we were under His spell. I was so much in lust with them all.

We were joined by another person and then another and the spell was starting to break apart. Mac took my hand and said goodbye and W/we left.

When W/we were in the car, I asked Mac if He was as turned on as I was. He told me no. He was wryly amused that all of us women had submitted to Him so easily. He hadn't expected it to happen and when it did He had to be careful not to hurt anyone, but He understood that I was heavy with lust and He thought it was lovely.

As W/we walked in the door His phone rang and He told me to masturbate to orgasm while He took the call. I lay on the sofa with my head on His lap and He stroked my hair while I played with my clitoris and I took little notice of what He was saying into the phone and I came very quickly, moaning softly so as not to disturb His call.

He hung up not long after and I asked Him who had called. He told me it was one of the people who had joined U/us at the table just before W/we left. He rang to ask Mac what He had done to the women because they had left not long after U/us and he thought that they might have fallen on each other in lust. This made me grin at Mac and I asked Him why W/we had left and He said W/we left because the feeling at the table had been something special and He wanted to leave while it was still there so we would all remember it and not have it ruined by the people joining U/us.

W/we sat together quietly for a while. Then Mac said that now He had time to relax and think about it, He found it arousing to have those women submit to Him. I smiled and shifted to my knees and I took His cock into my mouth. He held my head gently and stroked my cheek while I drew His orgasm from Him and made it mine.

I ran into Marie at the store yesterday and we were both a little embarrassed and both blushed. We exchanged small talk then she said last night was fun and I looked at her and said 'yes it was' and we both sighed. She told me reality called and we said goodbye.

We both knew that it would never happen like that again.

I had lunch and went to the movies with Emma and Claire yesterday to see Lord of The Rings. It was a kind of getting to know you date with Claire, though Emma Claire and I have been in contact through emails and pager all week. Mac didn't want to see the movie. In fact He would be quite happy if He never saw it. It holds no interest for Him at all and He thought it would be good if Emma Claire and I went out. Also, it gave Him a great excuse to have lunch at the pub with 'the boys.'

So we girls enjoyed lunch and watched the movie and I think I fell in love with Aragon in every scene he was in. The man is just SO Male. I was captivated and enthralled and so much in lust. The three of us giggled, cried and ohhhhed and ahhhhhed over him throughout the whole movie.

When it was over, Claire had to go as she had things she had to do, and Emma took me to the pub where Mac was but she didn't stay either as she had a report due at work that she was behind on.

Mac was sitting with some people W/we know and I practically bounced in, full of love and lust and totally excited. Mac laughed at me announcing I was in love with Aragon and two of the other women there agreed. We talked about scenes from the movie and Mac watched me quietly as I filled on lust more and more.

One of the ladies mentioned that she would have Aragon in bed, on the table, in a chair. And I said 'Bugger that. He could throw me to the ground and just take me. That's what I want from Him.' All the women sighed.

Mac told me it was time to go and on the way home I kept nattering about Aragon and how Male he was and how much I lusted him. When W/we arrived, I went to the computer room to check if I had comments on the blog and Mac followed me in.

Before I reached the desk He had seized me around the waist and told me to hold still. He pulled my dress over my head and grasped my bra and pulled it over my head too. I was standing there naked, breathless with anticipation and He tangled His hand in my hair and pulled me towards the desk. He turned me around and pushed me back against it so that I was almost sitting on the desktop but my feet were still on the floor. He stuck His foot between my feet and almost kicked them apart before undoing His jeans.

He moved in between my legs and He thrust Himself up into me. I was wet and I was ready for Him and still it hurt. I clung to Him and He bit my neck and kept thrusting into me. I tried to spread my legs wider but He couldn't get deep enough so He withdrew from me and grabbed my hair and spun me around, pushing my head down against the desk.

He forced Himself back into my cunt and thrust His cock into me harder than He ever has. He hurt me. It felt like He was splitting me apart. He had His legs either side of mine and He was grunting with the effort He was putting into slamming His cock into me. I started to whimper and He hissed at me to shut up and I bit my lip to keep myself from crying out.

I came, whimpering in spite of trying to stay quiet and He leaned over me and bit my shoulder hard and I screamed. He reached beneath me and squeezed my tits, brutally pinching my nipples and I screamed again. His cock kept pounding into me and I felt bruised and raw and I was sobbing uncontrollably and I came again.

He stopped and enjoyed the contractions of my cunt on His cock then He tangled His hands in my hair and pulled my head of the desk and hissed in my ear.

'Enough of your cunt, I am going to fuck your ass now,' and He let my head fall back onto the desk.

I was afraid. I wanted Him to do it. I wanted His cock in my ass, but I knew that if He thrust into me the way He had used my cunt, it would hurt beyond belief. I started whimpering again and told Him yes and He laughed at me.

'I wasn't asking for your permission, slut.'

He spread my ass cheeks and positioned His cock against my asshole and He grunted again as He forced His way into me. He growled at me to 'take it' while I shuddered and cried out and pushed back against Him. He was thrusting in my ass and I was crying and He grabbed my hair again and pulled my head back, twisting my face towards His. He gripped my throat and bit at my lips while I choked.

I came again as the world blacked out and He let me go and withdrew from my ass. I was sobbing and gasping and trying hard to focus on what was going on when He pulled me from the desk and turned me and pushed me to my knees. I felt dizzy and I was still gasping for air and He forced His cock into my mouth and I gagged and I choked and He pulled His cock back and thrust into my mouth again. Each time He pushed Himself into me my head would bang against the desk and I felt even dizzier and I was still crying and I needed more air.

He pulled His cock out of my mouth and I swallowed huge gulps of air, still shuddering and it felt like I was still coming. He dragged me from the desk by my hair and pulled my legs out from under me and I fell back against the floor. He straddled me and again He forced His cock into my mouth and fucked my throat deeper. I tried to relax, I tried to think about what I was doing but I wanted more than ever just to breathe and I couldn't.

Then His cock was out of my mouth again and I was pulling air back into my body. He slapped me. Hard. He slapped the other cheek. He slapped me again and again and again and I whimpered and turned my head back to take the next blow.

He dragged me back to my knees with His hand in my hair. He slapped me again, across the face and He slapped both my breasts.

'Suck this cock, cunt.'

Slap

'Suck it, bitch.'

Slap.

'Lick my balls, fucking slut'

Slap.

My body was wracked with sobs. I wanted to suck on Him. I wanted to make Him come but I couldn't think how I would even do that. He was stroking His cock between each slap and I just couldn't work out how to get His cock into my mouth.

'I am going to come on your face, bitch.'

Slap.

Him coming on my face was something I could grasp the concept of.

'Yes,' I gasped. 'Come on my face.

Slap

'Say please, cunt' He growled.

Slap

'Come on my face, please.' I pleaded.

Slap

'Call me Sir, you little bitch.'

Slap

'Come on my face. Please. Sir.'

I knew I was going to break. I couldn't handle anymore. I knew the next time He hit me I would shatter into a thousand pieces and I would never be whole again.

And He came. And I watched Him as His hot semen landed against my stinging cheeks and over my face. I remember wondering who He was and why I felt such a sense of relief and then I crumpled into a little ball on the floor and I did shatter into a thousand pieces.

He managed to pick me up and carry me to a chair and He cradled me in His lap like a baby. He held me, He rocked me and He stroked my hair and spoke softly too me. He let me sob until I was all cried out.

W/we showered together and He washed me so carefully and He kissed me so softly that I started to cry all over again. W/we dried off and He led me to the bedroom and covered U/us both in the huge quilt. He snuggled me into Him and He told me I was a good girl and that I was His and that He wouldn't let me go and He stayed awake, watching me, until I fell asleep.

There is another story to tell about when W/we woke, but for today I will leave it there. This was the most intense rough sex W/we have ever had and I am still feeling the consequences. I know that I love Him more than I ever have and I know that I trust Him deeper. I did shatter into a thousand pieces, but He has put every one of them back together again and I do feel whole and calm and content.

He told me that He did it because He felt that I needed it. I needed a very powerful and dominant Male to take me and use me. I need my Male and He was right. I did need it. I was building up to it and revisiting the rape fantasy and watching the movie had taken me to the edge. Mac just pushed me over it.

And He caught me when I reached the bottom.

A girl couldn't ask for more than that.

I have a rape fantasy. It is a very scary thing for me to admit. Rape is wrong, very wrong and I know women are hurt by it, more women than we will ever know, and it happens every day. Yet I am not alone in having a rape fantasy, many women have them. Some women try and live them out with their partners. I don't want to live my rape fantasy. I am quite content to keep it as a fantasy. I will admit though, there are times that Mac and I will be mucking around playfully and He will get the better of me and pin me down and my playfulness will turn to immediate lust at being His captive. I can't help it, being helpless whilst I know I am safe, turns me on.

I used to be ashamed of my fantasy. I had good reason to be, my older sister whom I respected and loved told me it was disgusting. When I was a teenager I had a book that was a favourite of mine. It was a throwaway novel called 'Torture Tomb' (I cant remember the author). It was about a twenty year old woman that was kidnapped and sold to these two men that made 'snuff films' in a dungeon they had dug into the ground. Whilst there she was tortured and raped and made to perform acts she found degrading. In the end witches and a guy that was into BDSM rescued her. I found it very arousing and I would often masturbate whilst reading it, or while imagining a scene from the book.

Then I gave it to my sister to read. She was disgusted. She never even made it into the heavy stuff, just the first few paragraphs in. She told me I was a freak to be reading such things and called me sick and I realised that I was the only one who had thoughts like this and I threw the book away, but I never stopped thinking about it.

There was a time about a year into this relationship with Mac that I got angry with myself for still having fantasies like that and I decided to tell Him about them. I did it over a few days, starting with a rather tame fantasy with a 'look at what Your sweet girls thinks about, can't You see how terrible she is' email while He was at work. His reply was, 'Baby, you are so erotic.' So the next day I got dirtier and His reply was 'I adore your sexuality.' And the next day I got dirtier still. Each night W/we had noisy messy sex and the next day I would try and show Him my disgusting side again.

Then came the rape fantasy. I told Him this in person, tentatively, whispering, unable to look at Him. I didn't actually tell Him what the fantasy entailed, just about the book and my sister's disgust and how I enjoyed reading about the rape, masturbated to it and even had a fantasy of my own about rape that I masturbated too. He wasn't shocked and He wasn't horrified, He said it was a normal fantasy that many women have. He wasn't disgusted in me and He didn't think I was sick. He found it all very interesting and enticing. He never has fantasies about raping women, it's not His thing, but He wanted me to tell Him about my fantasy. He always is interested in what turns me on, in what makes me come.

When I had written Him the fantasy, He told me I was a good girl and that He loved me and I didn't need to think I was bad anymore. I was free to enjoy the wickedness of it and revel in this side of my sexuality. The anger at myself is gone.

Below I have written my rape fantasy. Please remember it is a fantasy and not at all something I would actually want to occur to me. If fantasies of this type bother you, please don't read it.


I can feel the awful stickiness of the rapist's spunk between my thighs as I run naked through the woods. I can hear them taunting me, crashing through the woods behind me, beside me, in front of me. I have nowhere to go. I don't know how many of them there are. Is it five? Six? How many of them have already taken a turn before setting me free so they can hunt me down and rape me again? I can taste the panic rising in my throat and all I can do is keep running.

They are coming for me and I am helpless. I can feel my blood dried across my thigh from where one guy has wiped his hand after he slapped me and made me bleed. I can taste my blood in my mouth from where my lip is cut and swollen. I can still remember how hard his prick felt inside me while two others held me down and they are going to do it to me again and again and I can't stop them.

Then I run into the sunshine and they capture me again. Struggling is no use but I do anyway, screaming and crying, trying to pull away. The guy whose turn it is looks at me in disgust and announces he will not fuck a used cunt, and orders them to hold me belly down against a large rock. I am thrown against this rock. The surface is hot from the sun and burns my skin. Two hold my arms and I am unable to move and I feel him kneel between my legs. He presses his cock against my ass and I start to scream and the guys holding my arms start to laugh and he shoves his cock into me. And while he fucks my ass, he pulls my head back by the hair and he bites my shoulders and neck and each time I scream the other guys laugh and he bites harder and harder. He tells me how much I am enjoying it, how much I love a cock in my ass, how much I long to be fucked like this. He knows I want to be fucked by men every night, he knows I am really a whore, a slut and that I want to be fucked every way possible constantly. He speaks in a low growl, almost like a lover, as the skin of my belly and tits is rubbed raw on the rock with each thrust he takes in my burning ass. He fucks me past the point of pain and when he comes in my ass my own orgasm is deep and strong and I shudder as he stands and wipes his cock clean in my hair and then they are gone.

I curl up in a ball to protect myself and I cry, shuddering uncontrollably. Then a voice taunts me from the woods and I know I have to run again.

Whilst Mac and I were having my recent issues, people noticed that I was a little colder towards Him than normal. Although I never told anyone what was going on, I got a lot of unasked for advice from a girlfriend that I have known for a long time. We used to be really close, but she actually dislikes Mac and it makes it rather hard for me to talk to her, knowing she would be much happier if I wasn't with Him.

Her advice horrified me. She told me that when she and her partner are fighting, she withholds sex. On purpose. I know that Mac and I went without any sex for four days, but there was no concerted effort on either of O/our parts to withhold sex. I was being horrible to Him and therefore He had no desire for sex. If He had wanted it, asked for it, demanded it, hinted at it, He would have gotten it. My desire to please Him never changed, I just couldn't see how to do it.

She told me she doesn't give her partner sex unless he has done something for her. No blow job unless he has vacuumed, no intercourse unless he has washed up, no kissing unless he has put away all his clothes. She said it took her a couple of years to get him to understand that she has to be happy before He gets what He wants, but it was worth it. By this stage I was feeling rather ill.

I can't ever imagine a situation where bribery and blackmail are good for a relationship. I don't please Mac because of something He has done. I please Mac because I want too.

I mean, lets just imagine for it for a moment:

Mac's hands tangle in my hair as He forces me down to my knees. My fingers reach automatically for His pants, undoing them and freeing His already stiffening cock. I kiss it gently then look up at Him with lust in my eyes and whisper huskily 'Darling, did You take out the garbage?'

He freezes mid moan, with a sudden realisation in His eyes. 'Damn baby, I forgot.'

'Oh.' I say, standing up and dusting off my knees. 'Well, I guess if you don't have time to take out the garbage...'

Is anyone else seeing a girl aching for an argument?

I know people conduct their relationships differently and I know in some relationships, orgasm denial is part of the play and orgasms as a reward are used, but these are an acknowledged and agreed to part of the relationship, not just one person using sex against the other to get what they want.

I know in O/our relationship this would be a power that Mac would hold over me. I am the one that wants sex more often, I would be the one doing extra chores to please Him if He wanted it that way and I wonder just how long it would take before I resented that He was using it against me.

I think I have said before that I initiate sex between Mac and I, but that's not entirely true. I don't actually initiate the act itself, it's always His choice, what I do is encourage Him to be turned on. I entice Him into sex. I do this in a number of ways, like bringing the lotion to Him the other day and telling Him I wanted it on my breasts. I hoped it would achieve the reaction that it did. I also dress in the clothes He likes. I love that look of desire He gets when He sees me dressed up in an outfit He knows that I have worn especially for Him. I add sex to this blog, knowing that it turns Him on. I tell Him when I am ovulating.

Mac is not silly, He knows perfectly well that the things that I do are meant to entice Him to O/our bed. He enjoys it. He likes knowing that I will go out of my way to please Him. He likes knowing that I want Him that much. He has never used it against me and it would be a great breach of trust between U/us if He did.

Yesterday morning, He remedied the situation of only leaving a little semen on my breasts by coming all over them while I tit-fucked Him again. W/we talked for a little while, then He got up to go shower. I rolled onto my tummy and presented my ass up in the air. He grinned at me and told me 'No' and I smiled at Him and said 'Okay' and kept my ass in the air. He walked past me running His hand over my ass as He walked out the door. He was gone for maybe all of five seconds before He came back in the door and said 'For christ's sake woman, do you ever stop?' and I giggled as He climbed back on the bed and knelt behind me.

It was hard and it was deep and He made me push my thighs together to put more pressure on His cock and god I love it when He makes those noises as He comes. So after the four days without, He has come five times in two days, I really feel quite smug about that.

Last night when W/we went to bed He touched me. Not my clitoris, or even my cunt, but He touched me all over. He stroked the back of my knees and the inside of my elbows, the area below my breasts and my neck. He touched my tummy and my back and my inner thighs. He turned me on my side so that He could mould His body to mine behind me and He kissed my ear lobe. His arm was thrown over me, His hand rested on my breast with His fingers idly caressing my nipple. He hadn't been into the office yesterday and His unshaven jaw scratched against my neck and made me shiver.

'You are Mine.' He whispered. 'You are beautiful and desired and adored.'

I wanted to hold Him and I wanted to touch Him and I wanted to ask Him not to let go, but my back was to Him and I felt so warm and drowsy that I couldn't find the strength to turn over, or find the words to speak. I felt spoilt and cherished and I fell asleep before He did for the second night in a row.

I like being loved.

I like it very much.

Some things have happened here recently that I didn't fully appreciate at the time. I am a very sensual and sexual person (not that you could tell) and I tend to make judgement on my relationships with sex and pleasure as a measuring stick.

Good sex=He is pleased=Good relationship.
Bad or non-existent sex=He is not pleased=Bad relationship.

While I was busy having my little 'I hate me so don't touch me' hissy fit, Mac was pretty much busy leaving me alone. He said that my behaviour was hardly an aphrodisiac as I was cold and morose and I kept pushing Him away. So from Sunday to Thursday morning there was no semen. This bothered me a lot. More than it should.

I asked Mac yesterday why was there no affection and He looked at me in total surprise. He pointed out a few things that I had simply missed, or at least glossed over, because they were not blindingly obvious affection. When I stopped and thought about them, they were deeply loving and very protective. Sometimes I forget to count the little things, and they are the things that mean so very much.

We were sitting with some friends at the pub and laughing about the conversation Christine was having with Dan on her phone. Everyone was hinting at a sexual side to her short conversation and she took it good naturedly, blushing and giggling and relaying messages from Dan to us and us back to Dan. She hung up and said she had to go do something and she got up from the table and walked away in the direction of the bathroom.

Of course this made everyone laugh some more and allude to what she might be doing. Another friend, Diane, came over to say hello and Christine came back from the toilets and announced that she had washed her hands, to which I said 'She DID touch herself!' and the whole table broke into fits of giggles. Diane was not impressed and looked at me coldly and said 'Sarah, get off that topic'. Everyone went quiet and I was embarrassed, I hate having that type of attention drawn to me.

Mac very calmly said 'Excuse me, Diane, the sexual innuendo has been flying around this table for at least 15 minutes and for the most part Sarah has stayed out of it. Perhaps next time you wish to join us, you might like to get a feel for the conversation before you become censorial and self-righteous.' Diane mumbled something about having other people to see and left.

What He did when He defended me like that was very special. He knows how much I hate little attacks like Diane's and He knew that it would bother me for some time. He knew that I was deeply embarrassed and I would fret over having offended her and He knew that I was not in the wrong. So He made sure that she knew it and I knew it too. Instead of being something to worry about, I forgot about it completely until He mentioned it to me when pointing out the affectionate things He had done. It had made me feel a whole lot better about being me but at the time I didn't see it as the loving thing it was. And above all of that, no one speaks to His girl like that and gets away with it when He is around. It feels very safe to know that when He is around I can relax and just be me.

So the Great Four Day Semen Drought ended yesterday morning in a big way. It wasn't at all what I was expecting and turned into one of those situations where no matter how high the level of passion is, some things are just funny...

I woke Him a little early and much to my disappointment, instead of wanting to fuck me, He just wanted food. I made U/us breakfast and while W/we were eating He asked me what I had put in the blog. I said that I had written about ovulating. That got His attention. After breakfast He told me to come to the room with Him while He read the blog. I did and I knelt next to Him stroking His cock while He read. He came quickly and I wasn't expecting it and didn't even have time to put my mouth on Him while He was coming.

I said to Him that it hadn't taken long and He shrugged and said 'Sometimes, you just make me come.' I giggled and licked at His semen on my hand and He looked at me with mock sternness and sent me to shower.

After the shower I was putting a new moisturising cream on my face and enjoying the soft silky feel of it when I suddenly thought I should tell Mac how nice it feels. He loves it when I am all girlie. I took the cream to Him. He was still working. I put His hand against my cheek and told Him that I thought it made my skin feel like silk and that I wanted to try it on my breasts, but I was worried that if I did I would want to play with my tits all day.

He scowled at me and told me I was a horny little witch and I grinned at Him. He had me kneel and put the cream on my breasts while He watched. When I was done and my breasts were well and truly moisturised He demanded that I suck His cock. I did, taking Him deeply into my throat but He almost immediately withdrew and told me to lie on my back on the floor.

He entered me without any fuss and I held on to Him tighter than I ever had before. I brought Him to the edge of orgasm and then He would hold back from me and force me to come instead. I had my legs wrapped around Him and I was pulling Him into me with my hands and I was desperate to make Him come and He was enjoying my desperation.

I whispered to Him that I couldn't take much more, that His cock was stretching me open and He lost His concentration and He came. I was kissing Him and gurgling and feeling very triumphant. I kept clenching on Him because I know how much He loves it and He called me a horny fucking bitch and told me to fuck His still hard cock with my tits.

He lay on His back and I knelt between His legs and I held my tits around His cock and slid them along Him. He moaned and growled and was almost at the point of orgasm before I started. I begged Him to cover my tits in His semen and His orgasm was short and intense and when His body relaxed He started to laugh. I looked at Him a little worried and asked what was so funny and He pointed out that there was hardly enough semen from the last orgasm to cover one nipple let alone my tits and then I was laughing too. I laughed until I had tears in my eyes and Mac was holding me and laughing too. And it felt so good to be laughing with Him like that.

He rang me at lunchtime, just to say hello and see how my morning out had gone. It was very nice and warm to hear His voice and although He couldn't talk for long, I know what He really called for was to say He loved me, even if those words weren't said.

Then last night before bed, I was talking to wench on pager and Mac was standing beside me pretending to be Winston Churchill after watching a show on WWII on the television. I was full of giggles at Him and it was gorgeous to watch Him being such a boy.

In bed last night W/we kissed and W/we kissed and W/we kissed some more. Soft, gentle, loving, 'I could kiss like this forever' type kisses. I tried to talk to Him, to tell Him just how much I love Him but He told me to hush and covered my mouth with His and W/we kissed again. Then He tucked me into His chest and wrapped His arms around me and that always makes me feel so small and protected.

I faded off to sleep fast and it was a long deep sleep and when I woke this morning He was the first thing I saw and I fell in love with Him all over again. I am still trying hard not to cry with happiness.

I love Him so very very much.

Yesterday, in the morning I tried so very hard to see a happy place and all I could see was darkness so in the end, I showed you darkness. It wasn't meant to upset or worry anyone. It was just that I needed to get it out of me. Mac and I talked afterwards. It was a good honest talk from a place where neither of U/us allowed emotions to get in the way. W/we talked about what W/we were thinking and what W/we were feeling and how much I need to please Him and how pleased He is with me. I was feeling like I failed, but He pointed out that I am a good little soldier following orders and I am making Him proud of me in the process so W/we are moving past the icky spot and onto something positive and I feel good about that.

As for if it is based in reality, my mother was a very sick woman when I was young. Depression tends to force you to focus on the person who demands the most of your emotions. I was the only child left at home and my mother and I spent 24 hours a day 7 days a week in each other's company. She asked a Dr for help before she ever hurt me and the Dr told her that if she couldn't handle the children she had, she shouldn't have had them and gave her a prescription for Valium, which just made her sleepy. My father threw them out. She started to see me as the cause of all her problems and if I would just behave myself everything else would be all right. Irrational, I know, but she truly believed it. I don't hold any bad feelings towards her, she was sick and she got better and she is my mum.

I have been watching Mac fall exhausted into bed for the past few days and I know that work is keeping Him busy. I also know that I am ovulating and had it not been for the smack in the mouth a few days back I would have raped Him by now, if He was sleepy or not. I tend not to care if He actually wants to fuck when I go through this stage. I am frustrated and edgy and very much in need of His semen. The reason that the smack has held me back is because I was still trying to find a comfortable place to be with Him. Yesterday I found that place and last night when W/we were out with friends I shone. I thought maybe He would want to make love to me, but when W/we got home He had some work to finish off and by the time He got to bed, I was completely and soundly asleep. As sleep was part of the problem I am having, I have to get as much of it as I can.

Even my gorgeous builders have gone, their job done. I look out my window at the lovely new house across the street and I sigh. Yes they were just a fantasy, but it was a NICE fantasy and I miss them.

I remember when they first arrived Mac watched me watch them and He knew why I was looking. When W/w were in bed He wound a delicious tale of gorgeous sex into my head while He toyed with me until I was begging Him to stop and begging Him to never stop and I thought I would never come down from the height of orgasm again.

I will try and tell it the way He did. My apologies to Him if I stuff it up.

I have this recurring vision of a young married woman. She is beautiful and married to a much older man. Work is being done on her house and the builder already has her submitted. She is totally thrilled with how he dominates her. She has never known this kind of man. She grew up like a princess, private schooling, holiday resorts, always protected from the outside world. Suddenly she is obsessed with a hard, rough, sometimes brutal male and she can't get enough.
This day she is standing at an upstairs window, half hidden by the curtain. She is smiling and waving to her husband as he leaves for work. Hidden beside her is her lover his cock already engorged. She has the fingers of her non-waving hand round it. Her husband turns to reverse down the drive and she moans ferally and quickly bows her head to lick her lover's precum.

There are 8 men working at the house. She knows she will spend the morning being used by them all and she is soaked in anticipation. He told her yesterday that today she would fuck all his men and she was up at 6am, bathing, waxing, anticipating. She is nervous but the thought of him allowing his men to use her and being allowed to pleasure them is thrilling to her.

He will sometimes watch and will be pleasured himself, but work is there to do and He won't spend all day with her. She knows he is near and would come to her instantly if she called. She is expected to be ready for anyone who wants her.

The first two come in when he is still there they watch as she caresses his cock. The only one not nervous is he. She can sense their lust as he holds her hair and thrusts his cock roughly into her mouth. One of the men tentatively frees his cock and her lover withdraws from her mouth. The men wait for her reaction to the exposed cock of the newcomer. She looks at him in silence, then she smiles.

'Mmmmmmmmm' she says, then like a good girl she snakes her tongue back to her lovers cock. He thrusts again and she feels him quicken and swell and just as he starts to orgasm she pulls back slightly, wanting the two men to see his semen start to spurt. They watch breathlessly and she closes her mouth over her lover to take all into her throat. When he has finished he zips himself up. She turns to the others and casually wipes her chin with the back of her hand and looks each in the eye in turn as she licks the semen from her hand.

'Ok boys,' she breathes, 'how may I please you?'

The morning passes. She is taken and used all ways and when her lover visits her later she is tied. Her hands are above her head, shackled with chains to the bed. Her legs are wound around a sturdy workman and her lover can see that the workman's cock is pumping her hard. She is kissing him passionately and moaning.

Watching is two more, masturbating impatiently. One is the first she had this morning. This is his third time and when he kneels beside her head and offers her his cock she laughs and asks how much he can have left having fucked her pussy and her ass already. It is not long before she finds out.

By lunchtime every man has come with her at least twice and still she greets each with pleasure and lust. As soon as they kneel between her legs she pulls them into her and kisses them or sucks their neck. If she is turned over to be ass fucked she pushes back and squirms. With each man each time her only thought is pleasing him and she feels that as a drive like no other. Even the younger ones, who at first came almost instantly, brought from her a giggle of sheer delight. What does it matter if a cock spurts over her tits even before she can get her mouth around it? He was still thrilled with her enough to come.
One guy roughly announced he had never ass fucked, so she turned over eagerly and presented to him. He moaned as he approached her and as she felt his penis touch her, she felt his orgasm splash hotly on to her. She laughed, turned and licked him clean.

'Next time,' she said. 'Do it next time.'

One man fucked her ass for a long time, rough and gentle. She sensed his experience. Then he got rough and bit her shoulder hard. The guys watching were startled and wondered if she would call her lover. She moaned and she came and she begged him to be rougher. His cock seemed huge and he was so deep that the guys behind could see his balls pressed against her. When he withdrew they could see semen, his, and others' trickling to her vagina.

That's when she laid on top of the next, his cock in her pussy while his mate pressed his cock to her ass. He didn't enter her, but came between her cheeks while he was still trying to.

At one point she was lying on her back being fucked, sucking a man's neck when she suddenly turned to the two watchers and said simply 'suck my breasts.' They did gently.

'No,' she said, 'rougher. Bite them, mark them, suck them.' From then her breasts got much attention and became very very very sore and still she asked for more.


I think those were the highlights. I came and came and came some more and there was much moaning and much whimpering and much begging while He just kept whispering to me about this poor poor princess that was being brutally used the way I wanted to be used. He was vicious with His teeth and gentle with His tongue and I was well used, bruised and semen filled by the time He was finished.

I am looking at the clock and wondering if there will be enough time to fuck me before work. I have to go out today and I so want to feel His pleasure leaking down my thighs when I do. I want to go wake Him.

I need Him.

I really do.

She woke slowly, almost lazily and opened her eyes. At least she thought she did. She blinked and still the darkness closed in on her. Her head pounded heavily with a nasty ache that started at the top of her spine. She tried to bring her hand to her face and discovered that it wouldn't move. Quickly, on the edge of panic she tried to move the other hand and discovered it too seemed stuck. Her muscles worked, she could feel her fingers flex and her wrists twist, but the space around her was too tight for her to be able to do much more than that. Suddenly she was scared. Where was she? Why was the space so small? How did she get in here? She tried to talk but all that come out was a low moan and that frightened her all the more. She screamed.

She had no idea how long she screamed for. Sweat had drenched her body and as it had run down her legs and arms she had imagined tiny spiders running all over her and at that point she had become hysterical, a tiny switch had tripped inside her head and she had lost herself completely until the darkness swallowed her up.

When she came aware again, her throat was dry and sore. She could now only make a raspy pathetic sound that scared her again. This time she fought for control and managed to keep it for now. The smell of urine filled the air and she realised with horror that she had wet herself. She hated the smell, just hated it. She knew what it always reminded her of and she didn't want to think about it in here, in the dark but she couldn't stop it from happening again.

Suddenly she was four again, playing on the orange mat in her brother's room. She was playing with her Mr Potato Head, the one she got for her birthday. She had kept all the pieces in the box. Mustn't let them spill on the floor. Mummy didn't like a mess. She heard a sound at the doorway and looked up to see her mummy standing there. She smiled, but mummy didn't smile back. This worried the little girl. Then she saw the strap in mummy's hand. She stood really quickly, the fear in her obvious.

'Get undressed' mummy said.

Her fear turned to terror and a part of her registered the warmth running down her leg. She watched, fascinated and horrified at the way her urine pooled at her feet before it soaked into the mat.

She looked at her mother, trembling, knowing that she had committed an awful crime.

'I am sorry mummyyyyyy.' The last word had risen in pitch as her mother had flown across the room at her and started tearing at the clothes on her.

'You dirty dirty girl. You naughty, evil girl. I wish you hadn't been born.' When she was naked her mother had punctuated each of the words with a stroke of the strap, again and again and she had curled herself over her own wee and protected her head while her mother went to work on her back and bottom.

She pleaded at first, 'Please mummy, I will be a good girl, please mummy please.' But eventually she fell into a whimpering much like the sound she was making now.

She shook her head vigorously to chase away the memories that tormented her. Pain shot across her brain and she moaned softly. She was six now, a big girl, and mummy didn't hit her with the strap any more.

She needed to think clearly. She closed her eyes tightly so that sparks of light shot out of the darkness and tried to remember what had happened. She had been playing outside with the dog. It was her sister's dog, a silly old Dalmatian called Lady. Lady had been playing rough and she remembered her mother telling her that the dog would hurt her. She had listened to her mum and kept playing with Lady anyway.

She remembered the dog running toward her really fast and knocking the feet out from underneath her. She remembered the pain in her head as she hit the ground and the sky looking really blue but there was nothing after that.

'Mummy?' she whispered to the darkness. 'I promise to be good now. I wont be the naughty girl anymore.'

She heard the snap of a switch and small pieces of light found its way around a door she could now make out. The door opened and her mother stood over her.

'Oh baby girl, what are you doing in there?'

The little girl started crying again as her mother lifted her out of the locker that her father had left lying on the garage floor. Her mother covered her in kisses and she was happy to be saved. Mummy opened the garage door and took her inside the house for a nice warm bath and gave her some biscuits and warm milk, cooing and gurgling to her little girl the whole time.

It wasn't until much later that the little girl remembered that she didn't know how she had gotten into the locker. It wasn't until later that she wondered how she had managed to shut the lid. She wondered when she had taken off her clothes and she wondered why she had gone to the garage in the dark. She wondered why her mother never told anyone what she had done. She thought about it for a long and quiet time. And when she had thought about it enough, she put it in a place with other things she didn't like to think.

She loved her mother very much.

I got a verbal smack in the mouth last night. I deserved it. I have been pushing for it for quite a while. I tend to wait until something is perfect, build it up to a point where I think it cant get any better, then set about sabotaging it because I don't think I deserve it. Mac is tired of it and I don't blame Him. It exhausts me and I am the one doing it.

I could wallow in this. He really didn't hold back, He told me straight out what He was thinking and it wasn't very pretty and it hurt. But wallowing won't get U/us anywhere and I don't feel like doing it anymore. So instead I am going to look at it like this:

I can't change what I did yesterday, but that is over. Today I have a chance to live it right.

I am sure someone somewhere put it much more eloquently than that, but for me, that will do.

And what is living it right? It starts a lot like this:

"She sat comfortably on His lap, facing Him, her legs wrapped easily around His back. His hands held her ass, pressing her closer to Him almost as if being a part of her was not close enough. Her hands were tangled into His hair, pulling at it gently as she let it run through her fingers over and over. She kissed His forehead, His eyes, His cheeks and His nose before her lips found His again. Their tongues duelled silently, each trying to find purchase inside the others mouth.

She used His hair to pull His face from hers and smiled softly at Him, her eyes glittering. Keeping one hand entwined in His hair she used the other to hold a breast to His mouth, guiding Him onto her nipple. Both hands threaded back into His hair as He suckled at her breast. She held Him to her, letting her head fall back, a sigh of pleasure escaping her lips as her vaginal muscles clench again and again with each suck that He took.

She gave herself up to His control, allowing Him to time the tightening of her cunt for His pleasure. He eased her nipple from His mouth then took possession of her other breast, treating it in the same manner. The feeling of fullness overwhelmed her and she bucked and writhed, squirming on His hardness. Her hands pressed His head against her breast and she felt His teeth sink into her skin as she came violently on His cock. She screamed and swore as He pulled her onto Him, clenching rhythmically as He pushed even deeper inside her.

She caught her breath and tugged His hair again, pulling His mouth from her breast. He grinned at her and she quickly covered His grin with her mouth, teasing His tongue with her own, forcing it to chase hers into her mouth. Her lips sucked at His tongue and she felt Him stir deep inside her and she clenched her vaginal muscles tightly against His movements. He growled softly and she sucked harder at both His tongue and His cock. His orgasm exploded inside her and she grinned as He shuddered in her arms. Once more she pulled His head back before biting at His neck sucking on His blood. She tightened her muscles on Him, drawing the last of the semen out of Him. He pulled her from His neck and she grinned at Him again before she kissed Him deeply, gently rocking her body against His.

She rested her head on His shoulder as He whispered to her words of love and pleasure. She smiled and squirmed and placed her tongue against the pulse in His neck. He stroked her back and she twirled His hair around her fingers. She clenched her cunt against His cock and moved quietly to kiss Him time and time again. She knew that words could not explain what she felt and so she kissed Him some more. He snuggled her into His chest and He held her against Him and kept the world at bay. She rested, keeping Him inside her, a part of her, waiting until He needed her again."

When Mac got home, we were all up and making breakfast. His flight had been delayed. He was an hour or so later than I had hoped. W/we didn't get to sneak a few minutes alone but He did manage to whisper wicked things in my ear.

W/we all ate breakfast together. Mac told us about the country He had been in and the awful flight He had and made us laugh. He made offhand references to the night before and made us blush. Emma and I got Him back a couple of times but He just grinned at us. Claire was mostly quiet though she didn't seem to be out of place.

After breakfast He told Emma to stay and He told Claire He would like it if she stayed too, but He needed to be alone with me for a little while. I think He knew that although I was forgiven I needed to please Him. I needed to be the one to take His pleasure and He took me to the bedroom and gave it to me. I shan't tell you what was said and done because it was full of love and lust and somehow more personal than ordinary sex. W/we snuggled up together and He drifted off to sleep.

I was relieved and it was exactly what I needed. Knowing that I am forgiven and forgiving myself are two separate things and I somehow couldn't forgive me until I had brought Him pleasure to wipe away the bad.

I wonder if that is why make-up sex is so good? Just the relief at knowing that all the anger and hard feelings are gone and nothing lingers there for either of you to worry about. Some people find that spanking wipes away the guilt, some find solace in punishment, I take my comfort from His semen leaking from me and the knowledge that I have brought Him pleasure that made Him growl with its release.

Emma did spend the day and so did Claire and it was even more decadent than the night before or perhaps I was just that tiny bit more relaxed and allowed myself to enjoy it a little more.

I will share with you just a tiny bit of O/our day.

"She stretched and yawned and looked over at Him sleeping soundly. She felt a tightening of her muscles just from drinking in the sight of Him. She wanted to come again but she knew He would not be pleased at being woken so soon after He had fallen asleep. She thought she should go see what the other girls were up too.

It didn't take long to find Emma and Claire in another room. She just followed the sound of the moans. They lay together, each touching the other tenderly. Emma saw her first and smiled. She grinned at her and moved across the floor to the bed. 'Don't let me interrupt' she said softly and climbed onto the end of the bed to watch. Claire giggled. 'We heard you and Him.' She said shyly and giggled some more.
'Oh,' His girl said. 'Tell me what you heard?'

Claire blushed and Emma stroked her reddened cheek before moving to suck on her nipple. 'Well,' said Claire quietly, 'We heard you moaning and sobbing and Him grunting and groaning and you calling His name, and Him growling and I...' she faltered. 'Go on,' His girl whispered. 'Tell me, please?' Emma still sucked tenderly at Claire's now swollen nipples. Claire's blush deepened along with the desire in her eyes.

'I almost felt Him come inside you.' Claire hid her face in the pillow. His girl smiled softly. 'He did come inside me,' she whispered. 'Would you like to see?'

Claire gasped and nodded. Emma's attention left the breast she was attending too to watch His girl as she opened her legs to them. His semen was visible both from where it had leaked already to her thighs and also as it continued to leak from her cunt. She grinned as Claire licked her lips and grinned again as Emma's eyes also filled with lust. She slid a finger along her cunt and held it out to Claire. 'Would you like to taste?' Claire nodded and moved forward to greedily lick His semen from her fingers. 'Mmmmm more' groaned Claire and His girl held open her cunt in invitation. She moaned when Claire's tongue touched her and again when it slid inside her. Claire licked greedily at the semen leaking from her as well as paying attention to her swollen clit. His girl lay back and let her cunt be explored and probed by Claire's soft gentle tongue. She felt herself being kissed and caressed and loved almost to the point of orgasm. She looked for Emma and saw her masturbating gently while looking at her breasts. His girl looked down to see the bruised teeth marks He had left on them. She smiled at Emma. 'Would you like to kiss them better?' Emma moved eagerly to her side and kissed and licked and sucked on her aching breasts. She gave herself up to the soft sensations of two mouths bringing her pleasure and she allowed herself to be carried into bliss...

It was at least an hour later that He woke and went looking for His girl. He found her curled lazily with Emma and Claire, the three of them flushed from girlish lovemaking. She smiled softly as He entered the room and brought her stickily wet fingers to her mouth to lick.

'Whose cunt is it that you are tasting, slut?' He asked as He crossed the room and grabbed her hand. 'All three' she whispered quietly while she looked at Him with undisguised lust. He leant over her, bringing her fingers back to her mouth and meeting both with His tongue. Emma snuggled closer and Claire shyly reached to touch Him and her muscles clenched tightly at what was still to come..."

Emma called yesterday and invited me to dinner and although I didn't really feel like going I didn't feel like staying home and I had a thought that Mac might have initiated the invitation. This was quickly confirmed when Mac called straight after Emma to make sure that I had said yes.

We ate early at a tiny little restaurant where the food was plentiful and the owner told us jokes and encouraged us to eat more than we could. We lingered over coffee, watching the place fill up with a dinnertime crowd as we talked about anything that came to mind. It was warm and it was comfortable and it made me remember just how precious good company is.

Emma asked if I was ready to go home but I didn't feel like it yet, even though I knew Emma was going to spend the night. I didn't feel like being wicked but I did want to go dancing so we decided on a nice place that plays music that you can sing along too and not just that 'doof doof' beat.

That's where we met Claire. Emma and Claire knew each other through mutual friends and she had been about to leave when she had spotted Emma and come to say hello. We chatted and we flirted and the mutual attraction was obvious. Claire's eyes lit up when Emma mentioned she was staying with me. I told her that if she wanted to stay too I needed to ask Mac and I called Him and asked.

He talked to me, then He talked to Emma and then He talked to Claire and He made her laugh and He made her blush and He told her not to tell us what He said, and she wouldn't. Then He talked to me again and told me to be decadent and told me that He loved me and He said goodnight.

Three girls in a bed, full of giggles and warmth and delicious delight. So many hands and mouths and tongues and breasts and at times I wasn't sure whose body I was touching. And at times I wasn't sure whose hands were touching me. I know at one stage I was lying over Emma, kissing her and loving her while Claire's tongue travelled between both our pussies and I licked away Emma's tears when she came. There was more giggling and more kissing and when I woke this morning my fingers were still sticky despite having been licked clean.

Mac had asked Claire if she would stay at least until He met her and she agreed to do just that so Claire and Emma are still sleeping in O/our bed and still I have been watching the clock count down slowly.

He should be home soon.

I am sorry.

I didn't mean to say the things I said, do the things I did. I was angry and I was tired and You were in my line of fire. It didn't matter that it wasn't Your fault and it didn't matter that You tried to love me. I wanted someone else to hurt the way I hurt and it happened to be You.

And when I kneel before You and tell You I am sorry, I see that look in Your eyes that says You love me too. I hear Your words and I know I am forgiven but it feels too easy, too simple for the things that I have done.

I sleep fitfully, waking many times to watch the look of peaceful bliss upon Your face. You sleep soundly, innocently, like a babe that knows its next meal is no more than a whimper away. I love You more than I have the words to say.

W/we wake early and I watch as the cab makes You leave me. A meeting in another country means I will be spending the night alone. I want You back and I don't deserve You and the sobs come from deep within my soul.

The phone rings and I snatch at it, knowing it can be only You.

'You are a good girl, you are my good girl and its over, let it go.'

W/we say goodbye again.

The bed feels so big without You in it, my body aches without You next to it. My fingers find their way to my cunt. I tremble and I shake and I please myself over and over, calling out Your name and wishing for Your touch, needing Your pleasure to make me whole again.

I fall asleep and wake to find the day half gone. I lie there watching the clock tick over. I count the hours as the minutes pass by.

20 hours to go.

Taisha asked, "Could you write about (if you haven't already) what it is that makes you willing/needing to submit to any dominate male even in the softest sense?"

I have given this some thought and I am not sure I can answer it. It isn't something that I am aware of or something that I do on purpose, but it is something that I do. It makes me feel comfortable and safe when I am submitting to a stronger male.

I actually have trouble communicating in a general sense. In large groups of people I often feel out of place and I become rather clumsy with my speech and body language. People were always getting the wrong message from me. They perceived me to be aggressive and I came off as someone who thought she was better than everyone else when really, that's not me at all. Even when Mac and I first meet, He thought I was rather bitchy towards Him and it took Him a little while to realise that it was just my insecurities showing through.

I have always believed that insults that other people have aimed at me were a criticism of my character instead of seeing them as more a reflection of the person being nasty. Some people seem to be able to shrug such things off and only worry about what people close to them think of them. I worry about what everyone thinks of me. If I could please everyone, I would be content

I have learnt to always be on show. I put on a witty front and am very much a smartass and people that don't see me with Mac tend to think I move more towards being a Domme. I can be funny and quick with a comeback. I can entertain a whole party. I am also careful about what I say, I never intentionally mean to hurt or insult anyone. I will apologise immediately and publicly if someone was upset or hurt by what I have said.

All this being on show and guarding my words is exhausting for me and I can only keep it up for a certain amount of time. When I find a strong male and submit, I no longer feel that I need to be acting. I don't feel I need to be in control, or entertaining anyone. I feel I can just relax and be me.

I guess that sounds a bit strange, I should be more on guard against the strongest male, but I have found that when I allow my submissive side to show to a dominant male it tends to bring out a protectiveness in them and if anyone dares to insult me, the male will take care of it. The more I allow my feminine side to show, the more powerfully male he will become and if I feel myself becoming aroused by him, his own arousal will rise and mine will feed off it. It is a powerfully strong attraction when it happens.

Not that long ago I was in a situation where I was away for a weekend and ended up in the same hotel as an international rugby team that were preparing for the recently held world cup. Mac was not with me and I went to the bar in the hotel feeling very self-conscious but before long I had attracted the attention of a couple of the players. One of them was a very take-charge sort of guy and upon learning that I liked rugby (I am a huge fan of the sport) he insisted that I sit with him and watch the game.

This guy was easily twice the size of me and none of it was flab. He could easily have held me down with one hand and sitting beside him made me feel very small. Each time he leant over to whisper in my ear to tell me why a ref had made a decision I would feel a shiver down my spine and my cunt would clench and when I would lean in close to ask him a question I would hear his breath catch and I knew he was aroused too.

The game finished and I knew I had to get away from this guy and I said I had to go and thanked him for explaining it to me and he walked me to the door of the bar and kissed my cheek and said goodnight. I almost ran back to my room.

I tried to call Mac but His phone was off, so I left Him a quick message and then I masturbated to the thought of the rugby player forcing me to my knees in the bar and forcing his cock into my mouth while the rest of the players looked on. I imagined him staying still while he held my hair and made me move my head so I was fucking him and he was using me to pleasure himself with very little effort on his part. I choked and I gagged and still he just kept pulling my head onto his cock over and over again. And all the men were watching this slut on her knees sucking on The Alpha Male's cock and none of them would dare touch me without his permission now.

When he pulled out of my mouth and started to come on my face before forcing himself inside my mouth again, they all watched the grateful way I accepted his pleasure and the way I sucked on him to make sure he was finished fully before he released my hair. His semen on my chin marked me as his and I knew that I had pleased him and that he protected me now.

Even while I was masturbating alone this thought filled me with warmth and I came thinking he could find me that pleasing.

I didn't speak to Mac until I got home the next day. He had watched the same game with some rugby mates and was a little under the weather due to the necessary drinking watching the game entails. I told him that I didn't know if the guy had been aroused at all but Mac just grinned and said that no man bothers to explain his game unless he is interested in the woman he is explaining it too.

I was blushing and Mac made me tell Him my fantasy. I asked if it made Him angry but He pointed out that my first action had been to run to my room and call Him and it was hard to be upset about that but He did want me on my knees and He did use me for His pleasure and He did come on my face and in my mouth. I grinned and knew that The Alpha Male was pleased with me.

No one would dare hurt me now.

Before I belonged to Mac I was depressed. Not just sad and lonely, but clinically depressed. I actually considered leaving this out of here, but as Mac said to me yesterday, it is a part of me. I was not always depressed, but there were times in my life that began in my teenage years where I experienced long periods of blackness. For months on end I would be exhausted and sleepless and I felt dead inside and each and every day was a struggle just to get through. Nothing would make me happy, nothing could touch me on the inside and I hated myself.

I would go for weeks without saying anything to anyone except to answer questions that I was asked. I would only eat as much as I had too to escape attention from my parents. Everything tasted like it was rotten and I would heave on each mouthful. I had a constant headache that no amount of painkillers could ease. This could last up to half a year and then it would go away and I would be relieved and I would go out and live again. Then it would come back.

Eventually it was diagnosed as depression when I allowed someone outside the family see how much I was hurting myself and much to my embarrassment I was not allowed to be left alone. There was medication and there was a psychiatrist and there was talk of hospitalisation but my family refused to allow me to be 'locked up.' My mum and dad and my sister all took turns at making sure that there was someone with me at all times.

Months later I was no longer considered a danger to myself but it took a toll on my family. Their lives had been disrupted a lot by me and felt an awful amount of guilt. A couple of years later it happened again and again they refused to allow hospitalisation only this time the medication didn't help. They tried four different types over a year and my family were exhausted and angry with me and I just couldn't get seem to get beyond a certain point. It was then that my psychiatrist told me that I wouldn't get better unless I wanted to and that was a very liberating thing to be told. I had some power over how I felt. I just had to learn how to use it.

The medication stopped and instead I changed my diet, I exercised more, I stopped all caffeine, alcohol and antihistamines. I forced myself to go out with friends, especially when I really wanted to hide from everyone and over time things got easier and I got better and I found some people I could be friends with and everything was ok.

Only, depression is something that is cured. It's always there, lying dormant until the next time it rears. And sometimes it sneaks up on me and blindsides me. I went through three rejections from men in 6 months and suddenly I found myself watching the world closing in. It became too hard to go to work. It became a struggle to go out. I couldn't sleep and everything tasted like it was spoiled. Even just putting clothes in the washing machine was just too hard.

When I did realise what was happening, I didn't want to do anything about it. I knew my family couldn't handle going through it again and I think they must have seen the signs and decided to ignore them and hope they went away. I hid away from it as long as I could until Mac asked me what was wrong. W/we were just friends, but W/we knew each other well enough for Him to know there was something not right.

I didn't even tell Him straight away, but eventually I emailed Him and told Him this:

"I am sad Mac, I am more than sad. I feel it pressing down on me. And it's not because of anyone. It's just me. I can't sleep, I can't think straight. I am getting flaky around the edges.

I lose track of what I am saying unless it is written down. I am exhausted by 11am. I can put on a good front, and I can battle through, but that's what it feels like. Each day is a battle and each achievement is a small victory. Some days I gain a few metres, some days I retreat.
I am going to go now.

Sarah."

His reply was:

"I think I know what's wrong."

Those words filled me with relief. I didn't care if He did know what was wrong or not, I was just happy that someone thought they understood. There was no admonishment to "pull up my socks and get on with it" there was no accusation of being silly. He just said He thought He knew and that was enough.

He came to see me and W/we talked and He was worried that telling me I was depressed would push me away and I couldn't tell Him until He said it, so I fought with Him and W/we both went away mad. He came back a few days later and told me He was still mad. I told Him that was ok, I was still mad too.

He told me I was depressed and I surprised the hell out of Him when I said 'I know' and started crying. He didn't hold me and but told me that from now until I was better He would look after me and I had to do what He said. He asked if I agreed to this, and I told Him I would.

I fixed an appointment with the doctor for the next day and the doctor and I agreed on a plan to keep me well that didn't involve medication. Mac was reluctant about the lack of medication, family members of His had used medication while depressed and He said the difference had been notable, but He was happy to go along with the Dr as long as I kept improving. If I didn't improve then I was expected to take the meds.

Mac added in the proviso that I write to Him each day and tell Him what I was feeling and how it was going and whatever else I felt like saying. It took me about six weeks to realise that He wasn't reading these long and exhaustive pages of emails but by then it didn't matter, I just wanted to write and write and write. He would always glance over them to make sure my tone was not down and then skip over the rest and call or message me and say hello. I learnt that if there were something I really needed Him to know I had to put it in a separate short email otherwise He wouldn't see it.

It was two months before I was feeling well within myself and He was completely supportive and caring and as much a friend as I could need. During this time He never touched me and I actually think He may have spent a little time avoiding me because He didn't want to abuse the position He had in my life until He knew that I was capable of making the decision to be His all by myself.

I remember it was just over two months that I had been in His care that I went away for a weekend with my sister and her children and I took my niece and nephew on a hike halfway up a mountain to be at the bottom of a waterfall. (I still can't work out how we walked up to be at the bottom, but we did.) When I got home on the Sunday I emailed Mac and told Him how wonderful it had been to stand at the bottom of the waterfall and completely out of character, I told Him that I had been fantasising while I stood there.

"It was almost as if I could feel the man's hands moving over me while I watched the water spray tumbling down the side of the cliff. He slid his hand along the buttons of my shirt undoing them one by one, sending shivers all through me as he casually brushed my skin. My protests were quietened by a gentle hand caressing my neck and a commanding voice saying 'It's ok, no one can see. I will take care of that.' And when my shirt was opened and my breasts were bared, his mouth had closed over mine and the world had slipped away."

I don't think I said much more than that. I actually didn't keep a copy of the email myself. I had also made the guy seem to be some imagined Male that I was still waiting to meet. I don't for a moment think I fooled Him. He knew I had written it about Him and for Him and that was as much of a hint that I would give Him.

He has actually never mentioned it, and I doubt He remembers it, but it was the next weekend that I stood before Him and offered Him all that I was and He accepted. This last year and a bit has been the happiest of my life. I feel loved and secure and protected and cherished and it's hard for depression to take hold when I feel so good about being me.

Mac and I both realise though, that there is a very real chance that it will come back and though He tells me not to overanalyse sad days, I know when He questions me that He sometimes wonders too. If it does come back, W/we will deal with it together. I know that the two of U/us combined have amazing strength.